Depression

[sadgreeneyes]

I am severe depressed. My doctor gave me a new diagnose that I suffer from a mental illness. Which I have known since 97 when I was diagnosed with paranoid psychoses ( which I think happened because of my ptsd which I still struggle with ). But yes I might have to admit that the latest 10 years I have been more suspicious of nature but not weird after all what I´ve gone through with hurt and being deceived. In 97 I was clinically depressed, I was laying 9 months in bed before being able to get up. They had to force me to eat at the hospital as I had not eaten for one week. I fall down in the floor nearly before they got me up there. I used all from zyprexa, trilafon, risperdal, seroxat, cipramil. I started function again after 9 months but I never have gotten the same person as I was before I got sick. I have had bad and better days through the years, but never the same and I have problems being in work or find work because of my health. Never had a work on my own, have been through the work office 14 years as I got sick in 97.

The doctor understand me. How come that my contact person at the work office doesnt understand I am severe depressed when I tell her? she say she knows I struggle right now. "Right now" isnt very right, I have struggled since childhood! She said I was so young still so she didnt want to give up on me. This is in my opinion wrong thing to say as it says she does what is best for her not for me. I go to the work office for their appointments because they want to try a last thing before giving me this money to not be able to work again, dont know what the english word for this is.

She wants me to try treatment again, she called it "maintenance treatment", what is that?? and my doc sent me to the hospital and they will give me psychologist, but the work office woman meant I didnt need anti depressives??!, how can she think I will get better by talking to a psychologist about my depression??? and to be true I dont even think myself either that any anti depressives will help me any more than it did. I have talked before for 3 years without any change. I doubt my depression/health will be any better. When I told her about its not good to have medicines in my home as I told the doctor, as the instances work together, she said its needed much to commit suicide with anti depressives!! well, she is sure right it needs much but so wrong about its not a problem as I nearly died in 2004!

So she says so what do you do at home, just sitting there looking out in the air???? I found it condescending to say! I said I dont do anything, do you watch tv, I said not, but that I was on the computer little yes.

Can someone explain this? would it help any going to the doctor again?

Beside this my depression makes it difficult to organize myself, like showering, do the dishes, washing the floors, making food, sometimes also washing clothes. Its takes me a big effort doing these things. Sometimes I have better days and things goes smoother, but it goes up and down and I sometimes have a tendency to black and white thinking.

To shower I usually have to lay down half hour blocking all sounds out and empty my head before being mentally ready to go shower.

I am also very intense emotionally, I cant take any critic for example when I was working. I have problems with memory and are insecure. Also have cognitive problems. I have also had anger problems when treated unfair, I have lost control 3 times in my life and gotten violent. Outbreaks. Throwing things, breaking things. Like a child. One time I cried a lot after that.

I dont react normal always to bad things that happen in my life. In my journal it says it seemed like I was very unaffected emotionally concerning my suicide attempt. It also doesnt affect me having been abused sexually men getting their way. Like better being used abused than alone. And I sometimes laugh of tragic things that is not to laugh of. I dont know why I do that. But its very rare I do.

Doctor also wrote ( saw it in the journal I got and which I am aware of myself usually) my speech is with high speed and that I talked unconnected. I sometimes have days where my speech is racing, but its not often,but sometimes. Then I cant even follow myself either what I say because the words are stumbling.

[finding my way]

What would really help is to find a therapist you can connect with. A good therapist for you would be someone you could trust and build a relationship with. Then you could start putting things together inside and start to heal. I'm sorry things hurt so much, greeneyes!

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks finding my way,

my husband has tortured me playing the push me pull you game for 3 days now, he still continue and I have cried. I will get therapist but now I want to give up everything. I see now hope anymore.

[Waiting]

Hi Sadgreeneys,

I understand what you are going through and I am terribly sorry for that. I understand how things that help can take a long time to begin and how things that don't like dishes and showers are very difficult as well.

My wife was also not supportive in general and after 6 years of my depression and our relationship falling apart over this, I left her. That took months of preparing and the help of my best friend who understood me well.

If you can seek a therapist, I would suggest you do so. Keep in mind you need to find the right one. I was seeing one a few months back and it didn't help so I left him. Problem is I have not sought another for financial reasons and because I thought I saw an end to things.

Please know you are not alone.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you waiting, even I have been clinically depressed before I think much of my depression now comes from being abused the cruelest way by my soon to be ex husband. He has abused and used me, tortured me, bleeding my soul, rip my soul in two over and over again. I didnt know someone could be so heartless and evil. He left me because I didnt have the money to get him here, he was a monster.

I´m sorry you suffer depression too and I hope you will find someone who can help and understand you.

[getting there]

Hi Sad,

couldn't help asking you about your connection of your suffering with your husband. What I mean is that it could be positive if you feel you could cut some of your pain by re-establishing the right boundaries with your hurtful husband (in whatever way feels good to you). What I learned to think from my depression is that I tend to extend "bad" relationships I encountered in my life as the type of relationships I can expect with ALL others in my present and future. THis is a wrong logic to have and can contribute to avoid healing. Can you imagine having good relation with a person you trust? Friend, relative?

If you can't find one I think this is also a kind of work you could try in finding a trustworthy therapist: if you do one day you can say to yourself: "if this person exhists, then others exhist, just need to dedicate myself in reaching out for them once I am able to see them". Note: I beleive that people that have been so used to being around hurtful situations may have a hard time imagining how healthy ones may be, and hence identifying them, that's why sometimes we don't find them.

Take care as much as you can.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi getting there,

I know what you mean, but I have a pattern meeting men who hurts you. I thought my husband was nice and cared for me, I thought he loved me and missed me. Now I see he doesnt and probably never did.

I thought he was a good man and I remember how can I have found a good man that I also was attracted to, because that never happened to me.

But now I see he was the same as the rest.

I can have a good relationship with a friend, but she is very like me, herself abused the last two years. I am not sure but I dont know how I would feel with good people.

When I hear a man talk with care and compassion I usually get these thoughts : he sounds nice, I sometimes, if the person is extra warm and talk with compassion, like everythings gonna be alright and dont worry and get a stroke on the back, I even get a warm feeling in my chest because it sounds so safe and good, but then I think why cant I meet a man so nice, but I guess I will never be attracted to one who is nice, then I feel sad because I think I will never find love and be attracted to one who is nice. And I do have a self destructve "urge" to be in hurtful relationship, not because I want it or wish it ( like you see how much I have cried how my husband has hurt me), but its the only way I feel alive. I still work to be accepted and loved in my marriage. Like the book "Woman Who Love Too Much". It is sad I am still one of those women. I feel I will die without it. There is nothing to fight for if not.

My husband is leaving me, I dont think I will hear from him again:(

[Leo1954]

Hi!

I am sorry for what you are having to feel & do. I also have been [stupid me] abused by two men I have been married the sad thing is I loved the man of my first marriage but, I know I married the second man because it was my thought that's what I was accustomed to I guess being abused severely by a man growing up. Please stay away from these! I also feel now that I will never let any man get close to me because I don't know what it is like to be treated with love & respect. I will not even let myself get close to people because they would never understand or say OH! in time it will get better not knowing that I have multiple mental problems. [sorry I had to say the last three words it is hard] I have a life that will never be the same it totally changed in 1993 and no matter what I try to do! I will be very cautious. Please stay true to yourself. It might work for you because you know now to get away from one ungrateful man that you loved and would never think he would turn out to plainly not give a damn!

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks Leo,

ungrateful, yes, I married him in good faith, going to take him out of his country ( as he has said he cant start family down there as he didnt have money enough to do so, so we needed to stay in my country, he dont own anything down there, live with his parents), and I was going to take him out of the country, he was so happy when I said yes to marry him, I thought he loved me.

All I would do for him, an innocent woman, who loved and still love him so much, would give my life for him and help him financially till he got a job here, he would live with me free till he got work. I did everything, worked with the case, was patient because I loved him and patient getting the other money, as I told him I will get them, which was true, I found where he could take norwegian language course, I missed him every day and every night, wanted to pay all the trip, food, rent apartment to come see him even I took from my credit cards to be able to see him, even it made me in more depth, he knew all this and still he did all this cruel things to me and dumped me right before I was going to see him, I had bought gift for him and his parents, paid the trip with my little money I have, he knew I couldnt cancel the trip, he knows I will be all alone in Amman in unsafe place, I was so happy I should see him again, and he just dumped me the cruelest way because I didnt have the money as fast as he wanted. Just like that.

Ungrateful, all I did for him, how I loved him and would never leave him. How I prayed to God. God did see my love for him.

And he said he was better than me. And claimed he has faith and follow Allah when we met. His whole family does pray 5 times a day, so how can his family and him do this to me, if its true what my husband say.

He who said 5 days ago weird on the phone he didnt want to leave me, he couldnt leave me, I was his wife and then he dump me 12 times on a row in the last two weeks, changing mind 12 times, torturing me, my soul. If he loved me he wouldnt leave me.

Ungrateful. Beyond words.

[Waiting]

Again I am sorry Greeneyes,

It can be very hard to understand people. I always try, but I don't always succeed. My ex-wife who I am mid divorce with at the moment hates me with a passion. It seems she never really trusted me and thinks attributes all kinds of things to me. Generally she is a good person, she belongs to a church and volunteers at shelters and yet she can not see how good a father I am and how much freedom I give to her and the kids to interact even when she gives no warning. I will never understand her and so I just accept that is what she is and carry on.