The narcissist/sociopath

[sadgreeneyes]

Days after days go by and it becomes clear to me that I have married not only a narcissist, but probably a lovefraud con man sociopath. There doesnt exist any remorse nor any empathy for anything he has done to me. He divorced me allowed to take me back as it suits him. And now I am told to wait his decision, not to meet another man nor ask much questions put to this. It has been emotional mental abuse, terror, lies to make his impulsive actions fair ( in his mind). I cant believe I cant cut the loss. I am not confused, still confused.

I know what I see, still I am a slave to his demands.

Theres no reason why I write here as I know I must deal with this somehow. I just dont know how to yet. I just need a placed to write as I feel alone with this.

[Waiting]

Hi Greeneyes,

Of course there s a reason you write here. You write to let he emotions out and to reach out and touch someone. It will take time and support and we are here for you.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi waiting,

I guess you are right I write for a reason, I just find it so hard to let go and I dont know why. I guess there must be something in me that still loves him despite all his cruelness.

[Waiting]

suffered with depression from 2001 o 2007 when I finally left my wife. I am not sure it was love, but I stubbornly tried to fix things long after most would have given up. Why? I don't know. I think for half that time that it was irreparable, but I did. Now I can give up on my gf who left me. Granted in this case there is still hope.

[Leo1954]

Hi!

sadgreeneyes

Can you play turn around when you say he allows you to come back to him is there any possibility turn about is fair play. If he calls you and says I'll allow you to come back can you say well let me think about it and I will let you know! He is very much into himself as you say I know you still have some love or care about him. Just see if you can play the game because he knows you love him. [maybe huh?] Even though he has divorced you he wants to make sure that you are always going to need him.

It' like he doesn't want you but he is making sure you can't have anybody else or keeping you in an emotional state where nobody else is going to want or have you either!!!!!!!!!!

[sadgreeneyes]

It must have been a difficult time for you, I know how it is to suffer depression and we shouldnt have to work for love when its one sided. But still I do like you did. I dont know why I do either. I guess we hope things to go our way and that we will have the love we yearn for.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Leo,

I am too scared to say that to him if the time comes should he take me back. I am still scared losing him forever. It is horrifying, but true. In his country he has right to take me back twice with his chosen form of divorce.

I have a long long list of things he has said and uttered that should make me run for my life, still I hope for him to not leave me. He holds on to me because he wants to know will I be able to bring him to my country, its all about the money. I am sure. Even he denies it. I did a play saying if we ever meet again it wouldnt be in my country, I said it as I was scared of him. He reacted to that, so if he reacts to me meeting another man plus reacting saying what did I mean with not meeting in my country and answer me now real,he said, I said I was scared him leaving me, then he talk his babble lies be patient again, to see if he can back with me. He knows very well how I dread losing him, and he plays on this. This is my problem,as he knows I fear abandonment.

[Leo1954]

Hi

sadgreeneyes

I'm so sorry what country is he from I don't understand if and I'm sure the way you're talking you can't get protection anywhere?

There is got to be something any services or what is he? Is your life in danger?

[sadgreeneyes]

No, my life is not in danger as he is in his country in islam. But he is probably a con man sociopath, if not he is definitely a narcissists as he lacks remorse and empathy. I am still his wife and I am in my own country, so safe, but I dread losing him despite his evil treatment of me. He divorced me because he heard I may not fix the income to get him here, so he divorced me and can take me back, he wants me to wait his decision and I am scared losing him.

If he was sure he wanted divorce,he could have divorced one time, not a divorce take me back, I am doing iddah as they call it, then I am sure he would not keep me hanging on. He must do this to know what he can get out of me and then he either hurt me a final slap in the face goodbye forever and I must face the pain and grief even more losing him or I have the money and I let him use and abuse me as I dont want to lose him. I know he does me a favor by leaving, but I feel confused even I am not confused, I see who he is, still I hang onto hope:eek:

[Leo1954]

I feel so sadden for you it's unbelievable that you have to decide this is a situation that kinda makes me say [what!]. I understand that you love him but is he reciprocating the same feelings or does he want to use your money to get back here. It's one bad situation he is definitely a man or whatever he calls himself sorry to say it that way BUT!. So what you're saying is he is over there you are here right? And he wants your money to come here ok if you give him the money to come here then what is going to happen? Is he seeing another woman but that is allowed over there right? So please don't tell me that he is saying that since you are or were his wife it is your duty to do as he wants?

I hope I am not confusing you with my responses trying to help to diffuse the situation you are in! trying to think of something to succed in helping!

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Leo,

he doesnt want my money, but I need right income to bring him here to stay with me. He got frustrated and said he´s sure we dont have chance, he wasnt patient, couldnt divorce me, I was his wife, then he wanted divorce, like terror 15 times doing this to me, then finally divorced and can take me back, abused me, terror, lies, then divorced, then say I must wait, the tables are turned, he´s not waiting, now I am the one waiting and get told to be patient, waiting for him to decide does he come back or not as he had difficult with parents again, which he said was a lie last time he lied about that,now he said the same again, but that he doesnt want to marry woman from own country like the parents SUDDENLY wants, that he wants me, but I had to wait now as the situation was soo difficult suddenly and all this bs happened after he thought I couldnt have the right income to bring him here. Why on earth should parents not accept us when they accepted us to marry, I think its all crazy. The thing is that he is driving me crazy, I am his wife and I have to sit and wait what he decide, the situation. If things were normal a wife shouldnt have to sit and wait for his whims and for her husband to make decision come back or not, I am his wife. But I do wait and give into his whims and abuse and this is killing me. In my other threads the whole story of his abuse is very telling, I am so depressed. He was so charming and nice in the beginning, when he heard about the immigration problem for me and him he turned into a monster and abused me. I asked him right out what he wanted, me or other woman, he said he wants me, but that he really doesnt know what will happen, so I had to be patient these 2 !/2 months now. What gives him the right to treat his wife like this. I havent even said that to him as I am scared and if he really didnt want me he would say so as he has said before HE HAS NO PROBLEM saying right out to me he wants divorce, like ice cold without feeling, as he has shown me how cruel he can be. No remorse, no empathy. To understand that this man is narcissist or sociopath can only be understood by reading my story, its quite shocking and I let him abuse me. I feel very depressed and my days are very hard to come through. If he wasnt abusive he would tell me its over, but yesterday he said he wanted "me" and not other woman. So he keeps me hanging on.

[Waiting]

Hi Greeneyes,

He abused you. You didn't let him. Emotions are as powerful as anything in the universe. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks Waiting,

yes he abuses me, plays with my emotions, what he is doing is soul damaging. Problem is that an abuser doesnt think he hurt someone, for him this is normal and he has right ( in his mind) to do this. I cant believe how I let him do this to me.

[Waiting]

It is sad, but well all tend to judge others based on how we think. My ex always knows she is right so if she explains something to you and you respond by claiming you disagree then she will explain it all over again to you. She does this because since she is always right and you disagree, you must have missed something. When I left my wife, the kids chose to come with me. The only way she could conceive this is possible is if I was a master manipulator and so that I what I am to her. In reality the kids are with me because I respect them and do not try to manipulate them and so they are more comfortable with me.

It took me a long time to understand that about my ex because I assumed most people were like me.

Your husband likely sees the world as a place where people use each other as a matter of course and so yes, he feels he has that right like anyone else. It is alien to me as well.

You didn't let him. He just did it.

[sadgreeneyes]

I said to him every man is his own boss and I know that even in his country man decide. He said he knows he decide and again he say be patient bla bla, when I ask him what he is waiting for to happen??? like what is he waiting for, help to fall from the sky?? then he told me not to put much question to this and that I hear what he answer me, like it was a threat.

Parents not accepting european woman is BEFORE marriage, this doesnt happen AFTER marriage. Thats crazy. There is something really really wrong going on or my husband has something bad bad things going on. Or he has made a mess with lies to punish me, like most narcissists/ sociopaths do. They say that if you suffer under a sociopaths abuse, you can be sure you are not the only one suffering. The only thing that is clear to me is he is abusive.

And he telling me he wants me, early as yesterday. The last thing I said to him as to me this is ridiculous, I said his name and said he is his own boss and if he wants to be with me he will be.

I think I must draw back, I am going crazy, exactly as he wants, I am sure. He is the crazy making husband.

[sadgreeneyes]

You know, when you are dealing with narcissists or sociopaths you cant expect them to understand how they hurt you, abuses you and take from you.

They are God.

I think the best thing I can do now is to put him behind me for a good while, focus on me, pretend he divorces me finally and go on with my life. In meantime he can whirl.

[Leo1954]

I'm sorry on what you're going through he is definitely a son of a -----. You might need the income which I perfectly understand. But I think you also want to be with someone who wants you for who you are! With what you just said just try it. It is going to take you a while, BUT MORE POWER TO YOU

[sadgreeneyes]

Yes, he divorced me only because it "took more time" with getting the right income. I think it is so evil of him to dump me and everything because of that, he doesnt do a thing to be with me. I just asked him on txt so he wont care I am in Amman next week. He hasnt answered yet. To me it only shows he doesnt care if he doesnt want to see me. He doesnt care his wife is 2 hours away from him, a trip that was suppose to be see him, but he dumped me and everything right before I should go see him, plus because of the money issue. Nice.

What husband says he wants you after divorcing you, plus doesnt want to see you when you go to his country. To me that is shocking. Its a clear evidence he doesnt care at all. I bet his answer will be he does care but he cant see me as we are divorced. And he say he wants me. Actions speaks louder than words.

As Steve Becker says, when dealing with a narcissist or sociopath, you always have to look what they do, not what they say.

I think if he says he cant see me, I think that is me saying enough. What can possible hurt more than this. A husband who doesnt show up for you, yet claiming he wants you. I think that would be shocking to every "normal" person.

[sadgreeneyes]

I gave him an ultimatum as he said what I was sure he would say ( why he couldnt see me), it hurt me. So he talked about he couldnt say no to parents again, but tried to work it out, its ridiculous as they accepted the marriage, then when I said he has to make a choice and how much this is hurting me and that I cant be only one to love, he say he loves me, but try to work it out with them. Ask me to be patient even he doesnt know what will happen, back together or not. I said if he doesnt know will he chose his own wife or not I had to let him go, because this is soul mutilation to me, I cant be the only one to love, I told him.

He pleaded me to wait 2 1/2 month, so he wants me to sit and wait for "maybe"more hurt.

To me this is heart and soul mutilation. This is hurting me.

Just now he txt tried to threaten me saying he will say last thing, that he will decide in two months and that now I could chose wait or not, I got scared, my heart pounding, but I said wait for him to maybe say goodbye, said if I was loved I wouldnt have to wait for him to say he never leave me.

This is truth.

[Leo1954]

Do you have to go to him? You said his parents accepted your marriage this mean if he is one is ripping your heart out! Now he is practially saying to you he don't care if you come or not. Isn't it the custom over there the man comes first and his family no matter what is going to always take him over you because of the custom?

There isn't anybody over there for you I'm sure. Do you have any family or friends or are they considered both of your friends? Oh yeah where are you at? Does he have any other relatives that would come to you to talk about this. It is breaking your heart as I can see.

Can you go anywhere for a while and not talk to him or text him? wherever you are is there any services for you to talk it out? Or is it allowed? Also if you can will they keep it confidential?

I will always be here for you to talk as well everybody on here. I don't like that he keeps threating! What the hell does he mean he sounds like you said but, it also ax like he knows he will always have you under his power is he seeing other women?

Tell him no more games!!!!!!!!!!

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Leo,

I will probably stay at home not travel to his country, I wanted to see if he cared, he didnt as he came with the islam iddah divorce stuff, he knows how to play his cards. But this is so abusive. Yes, the parents accepted the marriage and they smiled at me and seem to be friendly, I find it very odd that his parents suddenly should be angry on him for this marriage, even it is a tradition to marry cousins and muslims, they are allowed to marry people of the book, now the parents suddenly doesnt accept this, the thing is if I did have the right income he would never have divorced, so why bring in the parents, like he wants an excuse for himself, and if they didnt accept the marriage in the first place its no right of my husband to treat me and punish me like he does. He has been and still is abusive, this is his character all alone and has nothing to do with his parents.

It is just not fair of him to threaten me wait or not, I have to sit and suffer waiting for my husband to decide will he leave me or not. That is absurd and unheard. He wants power, it is clear as the day. Said he loved me,but all his actions show he doesnt.

Its not the first time he threatens me, as the story I have on this board on him is quite shocking. No remorse no empathy, he wants to win, gain, take, he is not a giver.

I said on one txt earlier when I txt him that I will go divorce in the end of next week, and that he could think about it and that no wife should be put away after marriage, its treating me like should I be trashed or not.

This is what he actually is saying, chose to wait or not, till I decide will I trash you or not. He still wants power and threaten me, he said and now ( my name) you can chose to wait or not, this was his last say as he said it.

[Waiting]

Hi GreenEyes

I think it would be a good move to not go to his country. I don't think you have anything to gain by doing that.

Focus on doing what you need for you

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Waiting,

yes it would be very difficult for me emotionally as I would be so depressed and in pain him being only 2 hours away and not even care see me. All the memories would come back, hearing the mosques and it would be awful and so sad.

I just have to lose the money I paid for the ticket, it bothers me, but its the best I think for me.

[Waiting]

Greeneyes,

Try to contact the airline. Sometimes you can get money back at least part. When I was arrested it was at the airport and my girlfriend contacted the airlines and got a refund. Money is always good - you may get a credit and use to to somewhere else. In any case give it a try.

[sadgreeneyes]

Unfortunately I dont get any refund as I didnt buy cancel assurance, so they told me no refund. A lesson learned, but its my husbands fault as we talked about this trip since january, when I ordered the trip, and he knew I couldnt get the money back, and then he just dump me and everything two weeks before coming to see him.