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Where to begin...Pt1


Ruined
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I do not know what my problem is, I have had a few different professional opinions...This being the case I don't even know how to be understood except to start at the beginning. Pardon for the length this post is sure to be, I hope the thread will be moved to a more appropriate forum when I am reviewed.

The past 4 years I have been feeling suicidal on and off at least once a year. I have my good months and my bad, but lately I have been thinking of the different ways, daydreaming of the release, and minus holding a blade in my hand, been feeling really damn close to just ending the charade. I would really prefer to grow, begin to believe in myself and use my talents to find some happiness...but it is getting pretty fucking hard. I am genuinely seeking help to work myself out so if any questions arise about my past or present situation, please ask. I would prefer that only an experienced therapist offer me advice, I do not need talk down tactics from a hotline pamphlet but real solutions. Many of you may find this story becomes disturbing, if you don't like it-don't read it.

I have been studying psychology by myself over the past decade and know a good deal so please speak bluntly and accurately, I will understand it I assure you.

On to my story...

I was born with no father in Omaha Nebraska 1977, to this day I have no idea who he could be. My mother married a man around my first birthday and was divorced by my 7th. He was always there for my sisters, I have two, and though he tried with me, we were never close and by the age of 10 he had left town. Soon after was the last I heard from him until my 26th year.

Around my 4th grade year I began to have issues in school with the other kids, it wasn't that I had no friends, I found those whom I could relate to, but I would get bullied by the bigger boys. Around this time I began to experiment sexually with other boys my age, I don't think I need to go into detail there, just innocent experimentation. To my knowledge I have never been molested in any way.

By the age of 8 my mother worked 12 hour days 4-6 days a week and there was never much to come home to after school so I would find other things to do. I began to steal petty things, cigarettes, candy, packs of collector cards, small toys...petty theft. Or more often going to the creek to catch tadpoles, riding my BMX bike on trails, going to the arcade to rummage through the ball pit to collect coins dropped from the other children and play video games.

The issue of my absence at home was a worry to my mother, usually I would be home by 5, but there were days when I would lose track of time and get home a bit later, once or twice even as late as 9. If I was not home directly after school on a day when she was, she would drive around the neighborhood yelling my name looking for me. Embarrassing at the time, perhaps not even relevant...

At the age of 9 my mother did not know about the extent of my petty theft. She had caught me smoking a few times and as I said, was extremely worried about how I would not come home after school. She was a deeply religious woman and had me going to church meets with other children. This is when I mention that I was without a doubt indoctrinated in the worst way as a child. Fed horror stories that haunted my dreams, and my mind with words like dirty and bad in relation to what I now know are completely natural and normal human behaviors. Later in my life this caused me a great amount of self loathing/hatred and stress. It follows to say I am now what I call an agnostic atheist. It was at some point here she put me in Christian child therapy.

A short bit about my mother:

She is an unorganized, messy, overly protective, frightened, racist, extreme Christian conservative. She has suffered from extremely high stress since I can remember and nothing to this day has changed. Sadly, her love life has always failed her. Some of these things I believe I have innately inherited as I am sure you will come to learn.

I was in therapy for at least 6 months perhaps longer, when my mother, followed the advice of those around her whether they were therapists or pastors, and had me placed in Boys Town there in Omaha. I was 10 in a juvenile home. surrounded by 16-18, and in some cases 20 year old boys who had real problems. Many were just downright criminals, and the rest were just seriously angry and confused kids. There were a few others on campus my age but in my home everyone was 16+ except for one boy at the age of 13 who was 10x as angry as I at the time of admittance.

In my opinion I was just like every other boy. I do not feel I needed to be placed away from my family and I truly believe it did a great deal of harm to my psyche.

Most of the boys were generally tolerable in my home, though I was still picked on and got a blanket party or 2. This if you do not know, is when you are in bed an your blanket is pulled over you and held down while you are beaten with...well anything. In the home it was one thing, but the campus school was where I had real problems. There I was one of the 5 youngest children in school, and being so, one of the biggest targets. I had numerous issues with many of the other "students" that resulted in many fights and within a month I began to absolutely hate my situation.

I was confused, scared, alone, and angry. These feelings have never left me. Most probably there were many other emotions in play but these are the ones I most remember.

Within 6 months I ran away for the first time, it didn't last an hour before I was spotted walking 2 miles from the grounds. Over the next 3 years it only got worse. I ran away numerous times, I would stay with my grandmother when I felt I could, or I would make my own way and stay downtown in the ghettos. I was beaten by crack dealers, hung out with other runaways, I became a street kid. It never lasted too long. A few weeks, a month, 2 tops. Then back to the home.

Over the next few years I began to have a fair amount of explosive outbursts. I would throw chairs, knock over bookcases, generally lash out at my situation. They put me on drugs, of types I am not sure. I was forced to go to therapy and church. I was allowed to go home for holidays and occasionally I would get a home pass on random weekends when my behavior was acceptable.

A bit after my 13th birthday, after being transferred from one home to the next within Boys Town, my final home suggested to my mother that I was as stable as I would get and that she should get me out before I went downhill. She did. Unfortunately the damage had been done. Living with criminals and juvenile delinquents I had become a product of my environment.

I went to live with my mother and had maybe 3 months left in my 8th grade year. She had moved to a small town outside of Omaha on the Iowa side in the country. I hated it there. It was good to be free, but I was stuck in the middle of no where. I made a few friends though and had some innocent fun, but at the same time, I befriended the outcasts as well. I skipped my first day of school, got into a few fights, nothing really serious though.

Come summer time I convinced her to let me move in with my grandmother in the city and off I went, back to Omaha. That summer living with my grandma I made a few friends. A boy across the street whose name escapes me now was my good friend for the next 9 months. I went to a community center and played pool, basket ball, went swimming etc. Minus what I am about to tell you, I had the most normal summer ever.

It was at this time I was becoming sexually curious and I molested both of my sisters, once each and at separate times. I only touched them, and only for a few minutes while I thought they were sleeping. Later I found out they had woke and froze...I still feel deep amounts of shame and despise myself for this.

Continued in the next post...

Edited by Ruined
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And then began high school. I was in one of the toughest schools in the city, Benson High. I was a scrapper and didn't take shit off anyone. I was never the type to start fights, bully people or the like, I just didn't let myself get pushed around or made fun of. I made a few friends, stoner types, metal heads. and after a few months in I was finding trouble quickly. I smoked weed and got drunk for the first time, met a boy who could been in juvie with the rest of us if I didn't know better and we were thick as thieves in a very literal sense, I would go out daily and steal whatever I wanted. I stole my grandmothers car on a regular basis and got into allot of fights. She began locking me in the house at night...I always found a way out since I had made copies of the keys though. By Christmas I had been expelled from school after a particularly nasty fight.

Just after the holiday I found myself in a car ride to see a "therapist". Little did I know that morning my mother had signed me over to the state and I was on my way back into the system until my 18th birthday...

I spent the next 4 and a half years going from one juvie to the next. They sent me to a rehab clinic, to a halfway house, to a juvie with placement centers in between and I ran away every chance I got. I was always getting in fights, smoking, and drinking when I would get the chance. Finally I ended up being sent to a state run military school in the middle of the no where hours away from civilization where I was stuck for a little over 2 years. This was the hardest of them. Criminal kids from around the US. Chicago, New York, LA. If they were bad, they were there.

I became a wallflower, I was outmatched by more experienced and just generally harder kids so I tried to lay low as best I could. I still got into allot of fights but always in self defense of my person or dignity. I hated it as much there as anywhere else though and after a year and some one day I just woke up and thought "fuck it, I'll play the game". Over night I just started doing what I was told and then some. I quickly gained the confidence of the staff and was promoted time and time again until I was considered a model "student". I did well in school, and on the surface I was doing as I was told. Behind the scenes though, even those of us who were trusted students with special privileges were corrupt liers and manipulators. They let me out 2 months before my 18th birthday and I was free of the juvenile system.

I hit the streets like never before, I partied and started using every and any drug that came my way in excess. I slept with any girl that would have me and just indulged, indulged, and over indulged. I did anything I wanted to anyone as long as I benefited in some way. Lie, cheat, or steal. I have shoved more powders up my nose, smoked more shit off foil and out of glass pipes than you can imagine, though I never feel I was addicted, I was certainly an abuser. Over the years the only thing I have stayed away from is needles. Within a year though, I gotten a girl pregnant and had son I have never been allowed to see according to the mother though she honestly knows nothing about me, my past, then or now. Not long after that I had caught herpes and didn't tell anyone until years later and after sleeping with well over 200 girls and a decent handful of boys, I never used protection.

I left Omaha for good by my 20th birthday and started traveling, I went anywhere. Rainbow gatherings, Grateful Dead shows (well, Further Tour since Jerry had died) and just numerous cities on every side of each coast, Midwest, north to south. I ended up in jail a few times on minor infractions and once I came a hair's breath from prison. if I didn't have a pro bono lawyer I would have been sent up the creek for 8-10 years minimum in Colorado. In short, a guy had wrecked my girlfriends car and owed her $1300 for the deductible and other charges. He didn't want to pay so he skipped town. One night he came back and I heard about it so I went and found him, threw him in a truck an had a mildly violent talk. I was charged with kidnapping, 2nd and 3rd degree assault, menacing with a deadly weapon, crime of violence, and conspiracy.

I had served my 4 years of strict probation and during that time I had never really changed, I still did drugs as long as I felt I could get away with it. I hung out with drug dealers and junkies, drunks, and social maladjusties. I had, at this point I should mention, always been dealing and it didn't stop, weed and coke mostly. This is when I met Jessica, my currently on the rocks and longest relationship. We connected and she fell in love, I did not, and we never lost touch even though we went separate ways for quite a few years. I began to realize I was a sexually kinky and over the years that follow I began to get deep into the BDSM scene. I will get back to her soon...

I was shot in the head at 23 while being robbed in a situation where they didn't even get anything. I just remember chasing them out of the house with my dogs thinking if I am gonna die with a bullet in my head, I am taking one of them with me. I never caught them and never found out who it was.

It was at the age of 25 after my probation that I took one last heavily drug induced road trip and did a tour of the states before I went off to college to straighten my life out. I moved to Chicago and started school with loans co-signed by my step father who I had not spoken with since I was 11 or 12.

While in school I got really into BDSM and this forced me to confront the religious guilts as well as my mother with the pain of my childhood. At first I was just extremely upset, then I felt as though I had reached a place of understanding and came to a place of forgiveness. I don't know that I feel this way any longer however and we have not spoken in 4 years easy. She has never attempted to contact me to my knowledge. As for the question of god, after a year of reading everything in the world I decided it was all bullshit and never looked back.

I started meditating and yoga and felt I had really centered myself for a few years here. I made contact with my estranged family and was really trying to get that part of my life back. I contacted my son's mother and though she has denied me, I really wanted to be a father or at least a friend to him.

While I continued to deal while in college, it paid my rent and I received my BFA in media arts and entertainment with a 3.4 GPA. I had been in touch with Jess about a year before I graduated and we began a long distance relationship between Cali and Chicago. I was robbed at gun point in my senior year for $40,000 in weed and money and began working on the front to pay it back. I cleared up everything and was shot at and robbed again less than a year later and am back in the hole $10k which I have been unable to payback. After college I tried to find a job in my field but have been unable to cut it or commit. Before leaving Chicago I had become a total recluse, I quit going out or calling friends. I just stayed at home and played online video games smoking weed. No yoga, no meditation...

Continued in the next post...

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I moved to California with Jess out of desperation and a love interest that I was not honest about. I was broke and could not continue dealing, I had no one to trust. I figured I could get closer to the job market and maybe even make things work between me and her. When I arrived I lightly looked for work and after a few months found a job doing landscaping. Since then I have been unable to keep a job, the economy crashed and I now live in a small town with an unreliable vehicle for commuting. I hardly look for work any more, I barely make ends meet and have been unable to pay my loans or afford any decent standard of life.

After being here 2 weeks Jess began pushing me away out of a pattern of defense in a very hostile way. She would belittle and demasculate me, attack me physically. I have identified myself as heteroflexable which she has in the past made some pretty nasty statements about, (even though she is bisexual) since then she has admitted her fault in the matter and come to accept me more fully as far as I can tell. And at the end of the 6 months she began an emotional affair with a young man halfway across the states. We came to terms at this crux and things began to turn around emotionally for us. I began to really admire and care deeply for her but it is now a roller coaster in love and life...

I have been here 4 years now, scraping by. Somehow I have managed to maintain my relationship with Jess who I have since gained a deep respect for and though I am completely unsure how to define such an abstract as love, I am as close to it as I have ever been and I am fucking it up good...Even though she has her issues, she has found help and really centered herself in the past year. I wish I could say the same.

I have learned allot about myself in this relationship, mainly that I am one fucked up individual. I have intimacy issues, trust issues, low self esteem and self worth. I feel like I just want to be with her and can go a few months at a time with no issues then my trauma kicks in and I hermit up and become reclusive. We are now on a break for an undetermined amount of time.

When we fight my mind freezes up. My heart rate is high but my thoughts are slow and I wall up my defenses. I take offense at times, when she is speaking out of love, even though I can think logically and know she is only trying to help....When we are not fighting and things are good, half the time I feel 100% there, the other half I feel completely disconnected from my body, like my head is a mile above me. I feel like I am still 10 and in juvie with the defenses and inability to function intimately, socially, or emotionally.

I started going to therapy about 8 months ago. I went with one guy who I think was just too behind on the times and told me I have anxiety issues, I didn't solve anything at all with him and found another therapist who has been enlightening at least. I have been seeing her for just under 3 months, we have done some parts work, breathing exercises, and tons of feeling exercises and she feels I am re-living childhood trauma.

I experience hyper and hypoactive physiological responses to stress. I become depressed and sexually flaccid. I can't sleep at decent hours and am up until 4-8 am, much less wake before noon. I eat terribly and very little, get little to no exercise, I am completely reclusive and with no friends here at all, and I mean at all. I talk to no one anywhere, and go no where. I break into tears or extreme bouts of anger at minor daily issues like a stuck screw or jammed window, political and social ills as well but only when I am alone, which is allot lately. I am so angry and so sad at myself, my mother, at life. My therapist tells me I need to allow myself to feel, to allow the process so I can move on but I don't know how and now I am going even further down, I am just crashing so hard and I need my therapy more than ever now but have no work and as of 2 weeks ago had to cancel my appointments until further notice. I have just layers upon layers of defenses, walls, and psychological traumas, I need serious help. I am a fucking wreck and I don't know what to do...

Thanks for listening, to whatever end it brings...

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Thank you for that...so how does this work? I am really in need of therapy and can no longer afford mine...Are there therapists that frequent these forums as I assumed? I am ok being contacted by phone or even in person around my area. I just need professional guidance...

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I aint had time to read all your posts brother but just wanted to address you last concern. This forum is more about support from other people such as yourself who grapple with life's obstacles and mental health issues. It is not intended (from my point of view anyway) to be a place for expert advice althouth Allan Schwartz is indeed a therapist - however he only pops in once in a while. You definitely wont be receivin any phonecalls though!

Once more people have had the opportunity to read your posts, you'll find they will start responding slowly.

****

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hello Ruined,

it's true that we can't really replace professional help, but it can help to write about your feelings here. I'm sorry you feel so sad. It seems that those little things that cause your emotional reactions have to do with feeling helpless to change your situation. Is there a way you could get some support to continue your therapy? You'll probably have to try getting a job, even though that can be quite frustrating. A job could have a positive influence on your self esteem as well. Could you take anything out of your previous therapies that you can apply now to help you feel better?

Take care,

S.

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