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Why can't we accept who we are?


Dying
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I've joined the forum 2 days ago. Recently, I had an emotional break down due to stress and due to the fact that I noticed that everyone else has a life except me.

Deep down I feel I am not loveable and I isolate myself from others because I am pretty sure my deep rooted problems will freak out people around me.

I find the fact that there are others just like me comforting. It's nice to know that you are not alone.

With these realization, I came to a rational notion that why can't we just accept who we are? We are not alone. Maybe we are just different and we are just who we are? We are related.

I am not suggesting to meet up in real life as this will obviously lead to safety issues, but we can make friends here who understand each other.

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Welcome to the forums, Dying.

Indeed, you are not alone.

I've read through your earlier posts as well. One thing that strikes me is it seems like you try to deal with things by breaking them down and rationalizing. This can be good, I think, but sometimes it ends up frustrating when all the emotional back log is still there even though you've reasoned it away. Is this making sense? Do you think this is generally how you cope, or do I have it all wrong?

As for why people can't accept who they are, I think that's a very complicated question. I know for me, I sometimes have a way of feeling like I accept myself just fine until I encounter other people, then the disconnect is disturbing. Then I start to get self conscious. I don't know. Human relations are weird.

I'm glad you are finding support here! I have as well.

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Thank you for your response.

You are correct, that's generally how I cope.

I find the key problem that many of us having is that we can't accept who we are. We are tortured by the difference between who we are and who we want to be, i.e. other people around us. The difference is what caused the emotional break down. Ask yourself this, if everyone around you shares the same traits as you are, would you still be in pain? At least my answer is no.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, we have grown to be who we are and it's not something that can be easily changed. Why do we have to fight who we are? We are different, so what? There are people who born with severe disabilities and they are still alive and kicking.

On a different note, I believe a fundamental change can only happen after we accept who we are.

By accepting who we are and knowing that there are others struggling like us, we will be more likely to focused on making the adjustments that we desire to have and less likely to be frustrated by our failures. After all, things can only get better.

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I have just read some of your recent posts.

It might be very rude for me to suggest this as I don't share the exact experience you have.

Have you considered learning about lucid dreaming?

Why not treating your nightmares like a horror game? Remember that, it's a game only you can play.

Therapy doesn't have to be painful. I find it's a lot easier to do what you want to do if you poke fun at it.

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The thing about the nightmares is that oftentimes I do become aware at some point during them that they aren't real, but I've never been able to control them. I freeze up and can't breathe. Things start happening that I can't make stop. They feel less like dreams and more like half hallucination/half panic attack. Trust me, I've tried many many things. The best I can do is to try to go to bed calm and deal (not always in the best of ways) when they happen. They make me physically ill. They leave me shaking and unable to get back to sleep and an overall wreck. gaaaaaah. I probably need to not think about this right now. I get pretty anxious in the evenings.

Changing subjects...

So you've been feeling alienated lately--am I getting this right? Any particular reasons why? You're probably on the right track aiming for self acceptance, but I caution not to assume that seeing the solution makes the problem solved. That's the trick of being human. We may be able to think rationally, but we can't necessarily force ourselves to act that way. Maybe part of self acceptance includes acceptance of irrational emotional states--letting yourself feel without telling yourself your feelings don't make sense. It's possible I'm not making sense... :cool:

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Yep, you are not making sense :rolleyes:

Most people don't know that you actually need emotion to think rationally. It's just too emotional is not good for you. In other words, try not to think when you are too emotional.

Why not go play a game like "Portal" and "Portal 2" until you calm down?

Changing subjects...

Due to my experience with an abusive teacher when I was little, I have been telling myself almost my whole life that I can't do anything. I tell myself I am just lucky even when I made a significant achievement like earning an 8th place on a national contest (ok, I am bragging a little here :D). I have been bully by others almost my whole childhood and I have been feeling like a failure ever since until recently.

I start to accept that I am different and I have been using my difference to my advantage. I find that I am more capable than I believed.

I don't just see solutions and I am having fun implementing them :P

In the past year, I have "grown exponentially" (my supervisor's word). I was able to face the problems I have and solve them one by one. It's very satisfying to see these improvements and it's exciting to solve these challenging problems whether they are personal or professional.

Recently, I am on the edge of a major scientific break through, an achievement that will put me one step closer to my dream. It's stressful because it's almost too good to be true.

With all these said, I still have personal problems that I can't put my hands around yet, but I am taking first steps necessary. Hey, I am here :D

Our personal problems will make us stronger after we solve them. In some senses, we are lucky. We have more chances to grow than others.

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Hi Guys. Hope you don't mind me butting in but i've read all your posts here and i'm amazed at how clearly both of you seem to see yourselves and your 'problems'. I've never been able to think rationally, I see everything emotionally and all my life i've not wanted to be who I am. My not accepting me as I am, wanting to be someone, anyone else, has been a big part of my problems. Only in this past year have I felt that I have to start accepting myself and stop thinking that everyone's grass is greener than mine...:rolleyes: Although I know that if I am to have any kind of life at all I must live the one I am in right now, and though I am trying to do just that, at times it feels like i've decided to not go for the gold but to settle for last place in terms of what I wanted for myself.

Dying....it's great to see that you are trying to hard to improve things for yourself. As you said...all journeys start with the first step.:P Wish you luck in your breakthrough...Take care.

Sometimes "Different" can be good.:D

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Deep down I feel I am not loveable and I isolate myself from others because I am pretty sure my deep rooted problems will freak out people around me.

Hello, D. I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. I wonder if you know what brought these kinds of feelings up?

With these realization' date=' I came to a rational notion that why can't we just accept who we are? We are not alone. Maybe we are just different and we are just who we are? We are related. [/quote']

I agree that self-acceptance is very important. I also believe that differences can be a beautiful thing. Balance come to mind once again. What is one aspect of yourself that you embrace and accept?

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Pseudome, maybe and maybe not.

If you are in pain and if you can cut yourself, I suppose you still have your body control.

You don't know if things would work unless you give it a try.

Emotions affect our actions, but actions can also have an effect on our emotions. This is a fact.

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Dying-

Don’t take offense at any of this, just trying to explain my position. Also, be aware that most things I say are hypocritical, so take them with a grain of salt. I only ever pretend to know what I’m talking about.

Your suggestion that I play Portal when I’m having problems is a bit simplistic (hence my flippant comment earlier). As we’ve discussed, this seems to be your standard mode—if you see a problem, you try to find a solution as quickly and efficiently as possible. Nothing too wrong with that approach, obviously, as problems tend to want solutions. (Note though, that when you get a girlfriend and she starts complaining to you about something going on in her life, that if you take this approach, you will lose her pretty quickly. This is standard guy error here. The reason being that firstly, some problems are not easily solved, and secondly, sometimes just being heard is what a person is looking for.) Anyway, while doing something distracting like playing a game might work on occasion, during the times when I’m really struggling, this wouldn’t be something I’d be capable of. It’s similar to telling someone who’s treading water in an ocean full of sharks to play Portal to distract themselves. Even if you gave them a computer floating on a little raft so they could physically do it, it wouldn’t probably be the most helpful thing. They need to get ashore and away from the sharks first.

Also, I don’t really consider the ability to cut myself as being a sign that I’m in control. I use it to regain control when I feel out of control and it’s a habit that can take on such immense overwhelming desire that I can’t stop myself. While my problems may appear straightforward from the outside, I assure you, they aren’t. I consider myself an intelligent person with a reasonable amount of self awareness and I’ve still been struggling with this for years. I agree that actions can affect emotions and vice versa. I have many many things I do to try to cope. I have many methods I’ve developed over the years to try to avoid nightmares. I know what things tend to trigger them. I have things I do when I come out of them to try and calm down. I’m always looking to refine this process and make it less painful, trust me. Sometimes I do play video games or watch a movie to distract myself, but it isn’t something that would work in a moment of crisis. Honestly, if you catch me coming out of a nightmare and ask me to turn on the computer, I may not even be able to figure out how to do that for a good ten minutes or so. I can’t think. I feel like I can’t breathe. My head is spinning. I’m terrified and half frozen. All I feel is fear. Sometimes I’m too busy throwing up to do anything else. If I’m able to get as far as posting on these boards about it when it’s happening, that’s a triumph in and of itself.

Getting back on track…

The deal with acceptance is that there are sort of two sides to it. Acceptance can mean being happy with who you are—accepting your differences and embracing them as what makes you unique, but it can also mean accepting things that you are unhappy with as a starting point in moving forward. I accept that I have nightmares. I accept that I drove my girlfriend away because I used her as an emotional crutch. I accept that I cut myself when I don’t know what else to do and it’s turning me into a physical mess. I’m still struggling with the whole accepting what my uncle did to me when I was a kid. These are all things I’d like to change.

I think it’s great that you feel you are getting a handle on things, making progress. Being on the verge of a scientific breakthrough must be exciting—I’m familiar with similar rushes in my line of work. You say “With all these said, I still have personal problems that I can't put my hands around yet.” Much of what you post seems to be problems together with their solutions, so I wonder if you are able to share with us more details about what you are still struggling with?

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pseudome:

I realized that I was forcing my solution to your problem. I am terribly sorry.

I used to be alone. I remember spending days and even a whole month without communicating to anyone when I was a teen. I don't remember the last time I have hugged anyone.

I tend to solve my own problems not because I am strong but because I have no one to turn to.

I am still struggling to find a sense of belonging and to learn how to connect with others.

Hi, Endlessnight and IrmaJean, welcome to the thread!

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pseudome:

I realized that I was forcing my solution to your problem. I am terribly sorry.

Dude, don't be sorry. You were trying to offer help and that is greatly appreciated. It's just the nightmares are a really sore spot right now (and especially last night)

I used to be alone. I remember spending days and even a whole month without communicating to anyone when I was a teen. I don't remember the last time I have hugged anyone.

I don't really have any close friends either. I've had sorta-friends. In school--there were kids I'd hang out with sometimes, but never anyone whom I'd confided in or anything. I spent the later half of my teen years pretty emotionally detached from reality. There was a period of time where nothing ever hurt me because it was like I couldn't feel anything.

I tend to solve my own problems not because I am strong but because I have no one to turn to.

I am still struggling to find a sense of belonging and to learn how to connect with others.

I hope you find this place welcoming. Don't hesitate to PM me or anything either. You'll get there--we're all here to help each other.

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pseudome:

I know you are making progress in dealing with your nightmares.

Are you keeping a log of your goals and improvements?

If not, I highly recommend you to do so as it will encourage you in the long run.

I’m not really the log keeping type, my friend. I think I usually have a pretty good handle of where I am at any given time. I know where I need to go. The path is blurry, but I’m fumbling my way around. :cool:

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