Dont know how nice to be

[scared]

When i try to be nice i always seem to end up being too nice, or really mean. Any tips on how nice to be?

[paula]

Yeah! Treat everyone how you'd like to be treated yourself?

Before you say it, I know I should practice what I preach!

[Celeste]

This is a question that I kinda have, as well. This is probably not be your situation, scared, but I get really frustrated with people quickly and often for no reason... and, in holding back anger (if I expressed myself how I'd like every time I got angry, I would lose the few friends I have), I am too nice to people. I think that my extension of normal levels of kindness might also relate to my intense fear that everyone hates me and my friends and family only tolerate me, and will one day abandon me. I don't know how to say no to anyone and I will defend almost everyone, always searching for the best in people and focusing on it so strongly that I fail to realize that they are treating me poorly. People who have figured this out take advantage of me, and I don't know how to ask them to back off. Whether it be giving rides, loaning money, borrowing items, or volunteering time, I am constantly rearranging my life to accommodate the wishes of those around me. When I attempt to balance my own needs with those of others and have to refuse a request or offer a compromise, I just turn mean and nasty, even if that particular person doesn't deserve it. How can I learn the limits? I mean, I would want someone to be willing to sacrifice this much for me (not that I have friends like that) - the whole treat people as you'd like to be treated - but I know that there has to be some point at which this is unhealthy for me, abandoning personal ambition and desire on the outside in an endless attempt to please people while just getting more frustrated with others and myself on the inside.

If it helps at all, scared, I've asked someone about something sort of like this before. Their suggestion was working on communication skills, which would help compromise skills (between yourself and others and within yourself), and in assisting with one part of this you can work with larger portions. Usually, they said, as in my case, there's a cycle in which everything gets magnified as you grow more frustrated with others and yourself and act out this aggression, or else the more acceptable opposite (kindness), to a further extreme.

Working on communication didn't really help me, as I only felt more sure about what I should say, but never was able to get it out... Maybe it can help you?

[pias10]

I have also problem in balancing relationship.........I want to give everyone the respect that he deserves .......but I don't know how to manage it........As a result I make someone very much pleasent with my too nice words and I make someone very much hurt with my rude speech..........although I don't want to do this

[mscat]

When i try to be nice i always seem to end up being too nice, or really mean. Any tips on how nice to be?

I understand what your dealing with. It is either to one extreme or the other .

I try and be nice as well, until something or someone angers me, which is frequently then I will become "really angry, or mean" there is no in between .

if you have A Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder then All or nothing thinking is what happens. Black and white feelings and thoughts persists, and effects how u deal with people.

[Pseudonym]

I think that a lot of people have difficulties gauging what is too nice, and more importantly, what is too mean. If you are too nice than you risk being taken advantage of... If you are too mean than you risk alienating the people around you.

I know what this is like, see I used to be too nice. Because of that I was taken advantage of and deceived by a person who I sustain to this day was pure evil. However do not let this effect how nice you are. Many people who are used to seeing and being around bad people, but are good themselves find it a breath of fresh air to be around a person who is truly nice and kind. I know I do.

As for being too mean I have more recent experience with that. Because of the fact I speak frankly and with absolute candor people often mistake me for being mean. This plays a lot of effect in my romantic relationships. However in my friendships it plays very little. My good friends understand that I am, for lack of a better word, an asshole. And they understand where I come from even though I do not always say the nicest things.

The fact is the more familiar of a relationship you enter into, you might want to double check your speech before you say something. (familiarity breeds contempt) Being too nice isn't too much of a problem, however being to mean could land you alone in your room with your four girlfriends and a thumb, if you know what I mean. However if your friends are really your friends they will not mind, and the people who are not will most likely warm up to the fact that you can be rude.

On the side of being nice... I wouldn't worry about it, as long as you do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

Why I say don't worry too much about these things is I know this habit very well, and watching what you say ALL the time is not only futile, but self defeating. Especially if the reason why you do this is because you HONESTLY cannot distinguish when you are being too nice or being too mean for that matter. I wouldn't worry about it, personally.

- Anonymous