Grief, anxiety and a possible sacrifice

[randomperson]

Again I will share who I am to help you. I hate to say it but I too would have went back if I had the chance. So I can never say anything about you wanting to stay. I will say however the emotional state I was in.. and still recovering from now it would have been a mistake to keep things going the way they were with no changes, and it had to be changes on both sides. I was not emotionally stable enough to handle such a high maintenance relationship. I just wasn't. Been through too much and needed more trust more love than she could give in oreder to heal things enough where I would feel safe again.

Something needs to change for you I will say that. Words enough from him won't be enough to make a long term difference. I hope for your sake it is possible.. but remember how many times you tried. Do not put your heart out anymore. Trust me on this no matter how things turn out if you want better results do not put your heart out to be hurt.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi random,

I understand what you mean and I know you want me to recover from this man, I was doing good for a while, but I think I did better as I knew it wasnt totally over, that he still was there. It would be different if I knew that was it and that I would never ever see him again, that is really painful to think of. But I know I have to protect my heart because he has broke it once and he said the same that time, that he promised not to leave me, but still he did and in the worst possible way he could, not only did he leave but he lashed out at me being cruel with no empathy, so I know what he is capable of. I told him right out he had no empathy, remorse or guilt. Of all I wrote to him he didnt deny anything I said, so he must know he acted cruel...of course he knows...shouldnt fool myself there. I told him he did it with purpose and knew exactly what he did, he didnt deny anything I said except for the phone problem. It wouldnt surprise me he pretend his phone has problem so he can use this to block off any responsibility if he chose to leave again. He is capable of anything in my mind. But I might get paranoid too in all this, no wonder when I have such good reasons. I will try protect my heart, I must try not to get too much emotionally involved. You are right words are not enough, but as long as we are in different countries it will be only words until we are together, if that will happen. I might be silly but I think I also would regret not give it another chance to see how it could be. But I know who he has been. I really dont know. Only time will tell. I am prepared it can turn ugly, but that will at least prove to me he is a monster. And that he has no empathy or love to give.

[randomperson]

Thing is he doesn't control your heart or how much you hurt or will take or not take. Only you can decide what you want in life. You always have the power and control. Please remember that.

[randomperson]

One thing that might totally change everything for you. I realized a big part of my problem was self abuse and self hate for me. I always felt I wasn't good enough.. in a way wasn't deserving of being loved no matter what I said or did. Deep inside I thoguht this..still do to a certain degree. Didn't even realize it until enough layers peeled away to see it.

I kept myself in negative situations or destroyed good ones and in a way proved myself right. Still working on what to do with this knowledge and how to prevent myself from messing things up for my future. But the first step is to raise your self worth. To start healing and being loved even if just by friends. Friends is all I have.. but it is enough to get me started on the baby steps. ..I hope I do get better and hope I do find love one day.

Hope this helps you, not sure. As long as I keep this inside the self loathing I will always mess things up and want to keep going back to anything just not to be alone. The key I found was within me had nothing to do with my ex at all.

[sadgreeneyes]

You are right about how we feel about ourselves in bad relationships/marriages. I believe in these layers you mention, layers that needs to be peeled off. We have childhood issues and attachment issues which makes us attracted to the bad. I dont know how it is with you, but I know with me I feel I need to strive to feel alive. What I do, is to repeat and try to fix what went wrong in childhood. I strive for being loved and seen and heard. But it is true what you say, its not about the other partner/man/woman, its within us and to know we are worthy to be loved the way we are. We hope there will be love, but we dont love ourselves in the way that we can be able to act for our own good. We do intellectually know we deserve better, but we are not able emotionally to give this love to ourselves. I am emotionally damaged and the cause is the childhood abuse, I was emotionally ignored, ignored in every way and there was some violent episodes that I am able to remember.

You are doing great that has come so far, you can start fresh and you know what you want and not want. The hardest part is to get over the emotionally pain and I think if I knew it all was over, it would be extremely painful, but I also would be able to start heal, like you and start fresh too. I know I am not emotionally able to do that because I loved him. I guess a part of me still do or I would have left him.

[Loneone]

Oh Leo,

My heart is aching so badly for you right now. I am so sorry that you ever experienced that, but I am so glad that you have now gotten yourself away from the situation. I pray for only good for you here on out.

Sadgreeneyes,

I completely understand what you mean about being attracted to the bad. I grew up in abusive household, and one of my first serious adult relationships was with a man that was very controlling and mentally abusive. It never got physical, but that was threatened. I made it clear that I did not know what I would do if it got physical, but it would not be good. When I think upon myself at that time, I can't believe it was me. I went from someone with an okay self- esteem to someone that I did not recognize. I let him slowly isolate me from my friends, I was drifting from my family. I couldn't eat. I was drinking coffee all day long and smoking a lot. I am normally pretty curvy. Not overweight at all, just a little on the thicker side. I was so thin that my family was telling me I had to put on weight, but I remember going through the motions of eating, just because I knew that I had to get something in my stomach. I had my nails bitten down and bleeding, and when I would talk to people, they would tell me that I did not sound like myself. I was lucky that my child kept me going. I didn't want him to know how much I hurt, how much I hated the man that was his father. I left. At first, even though I knew it was wrong. I missed him so much. When someone controls and occupies every facet of your life, you lose yourself, ,and finding yourself again can be daunting. Don't be scared. It can be done, and when it's done, you feel so GOOD. I am scared for you to stay with this man. He has only made promises. Unless he goes and enrolls himself in treatment to work out his own issues, they will only recur. I know it is so hard to be strong, but you do deserve to be loved. You do deserve respect. You do deserve to be happy. Much love from one hurt woman to another.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Loneone,

I am so sorry to hear how you suffered, by what you tell I can tell you really had a hard time, this is what is so dangerous, I have lost myself too, I am not the same person as I was before I met him. He made me feel not good enough, unloved, unworthy, he didnt respect me and loved me like a husband should. There has been two emails between us again and again he had nerve to finish the last email with saying that he just didnt want kids and said "dont ever say that you want kids". That raised my resentment again for what he took away from me and how he treated me. It really hurts me.

Before we married we agreed to have a child after 1 year and we talked about names. When I had problems bringing him here he turned into a monster, threatened me with a marriage without affection and without kids! He took back the first threat as I said he just have to divorce me then, who did he think he was. But that time I had to mumble a "yes" to not have kids as I was scared he´ll leave me. I am not that scared anymore as he has hurt me sooo much, he broke my heart and let it bleed with no empathy or concern, he changed out of the blue, it was a shock. So I told him tonight on email he has no right deciding should I want kids or not as he was the one who broke our agreement. I told him he can find someone who doesnt want kids then or stay with me. I dont know what he will say, but I will not ever again give up my dreams and rights for a man who promised me a family and life together and he wiped it all away out of the blue with no warning. If he leaves he can just leave, no matter how much it hurts and breaks my heart. He has no right.

Because my husband is in middle east and he has given me lots of suspicions he´s out for visa and wants to leave me, he has even stated "its better I leave you now than later" ( not sure did he mean in the process as he thought we had no chance) and he has stated "I´m afraid I´m gonna leave you there" ( in my country!!! ) and he doesnt want kids, I am very sure he doesnt want kids because he has no plan to stay with me and love me. He has no intention to be my husband.

He has made a hugh mistake saying all the horrible words to me. That is why I take back charge saying I want kids. It puts him in a dilemma. I wanted us to be a family and he pretended he did too, then he changed and started abuse me and wiped it all away like nothing. Threatened me and divorced me. I am very sure he will not accept me wanting kids. I am sure he will try to manipulate me. I have learned that "no" is a sentence. He is not gonna be able to change my mind. To have family is my safety. In their culture to marry and have kids is of utter importance, and for most people when people marry they get kids and to start be family. I find it shameful to tell people my husband doesnt want kids with me. Because everyone will know he just uses me, even more.

Me agreeing with him is out of question, all the ugly and hurtful horrible things he has said to me is a constant reminder to not ever feel guilty for standing up for my rights to have family and to be respected and loved like a husband should love me. I do think I have done the right standing up for my rights and not give up my dreams to be loved like I deserve. If he leaves he didnt love me the way I loved him.

[Loneone]

You sound so sad, and I really know how hopeless it is at times. I, like you, couldn't leave. I had no real family support system and was very young, so most of my friends were still living with their parents. Eventually, I started going to school and receiving financial aid, and, I don't know if it is a misuse of money, but I used the money I received back after the semester to leave him. He wouldn't let me work, though. He said I should stay home with my son, which I did enjoy, but then he constantly complained about money. He gave me just so much to go shopping and would check the receipts when I got home. He would check the phone bill to see who I would call and would ask about any numbers he did not know. He would call several times when I would be visiting family WITH MY SON to make sure I was there. I think a relationship with transparency works well, but there was none on his side, and on mine, I was just crushed. I told him over and over I was leaving, and then he began just disappearing. I would call, he wouldn't answer and just come home whenever he wanted. He would try to stand over me to scare me when we would argue and tell me that a woman shouldn't talk that way to him. I politely let him know that if he ever laid his hands on me, he may wake up with a knife in an uncomfortable place. It was just too much. I don't like arguing, and he was yelling at me in front of my son, and my son would cry. He would laugh when I would cry. I am sorry to hear that you had trouble having children, because I know in my case, I knew that it was not right. I grew up in a very violent household, and I would be damned if my children would do the same. But, it may be a blessing in disguise telling you to just go. I know it is hard to do, but you just sound so down, so angry, so deflated, and I remember those days now as some of the worst of my life. Although it was ironic, after I left, he wanted to be a family. He said I ruined it by leaving and asked if it was really that bad. And, they are never that way right away. Otherwise, they would never be able to snag a woman in the first place. Once they get really comfortable, their true colors come out. We were together off and on for a very long time, and it wasn't until life got real and was no longer partying and fun that it really chafed him, and he took it out on me. In the long run, I am not always one for throwing in the towel, but sometimes, its just really not worth it.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Loneone,

I am sure you did the right thing leaving, he controlled your every move and that must have been exhausting to the end. And that he screamed in front of you and to your son is not acceptable. It surely create damage.

I am angry because we agreed to be a family and when he started abuse me he took it away from me, he took my safety, my dreams of me and him always be together, he took it by saying all he did to crush my spirit, to make me insecure and feeling unloved. Not even worthy a child with him. He has no right deciding can I have children or not. Because he said he would be so happy if I got a child and family with him, before we married. It all started when he started abusing me. I have now took back my rights.

Yes, I am sad and angry, I resent him for fooling me into believe he wanted to be a family and then marry me and then abuse me and threaten me, even divorce me and still threaten me. I feel betrayed and fooled, which I actually am. There is nothing wrong in me having rights to have kids and family. Its normal. And he is the one to blame, he is the deal breaker.

He hasnt wrote anything on email and I think/know it is because he 1. doesnt know what to say or how to manipulate me again as I was very good with my words. Or 2. he just doesnt care.

No matter what it is I dont change my mind, if he thinks being silent waiting for me to write him or change my mind, as he mighty try show me he doesnt care by not responding...and he might think this will make me insecure and take back my words...then he is wrong.

I wanted a family with him when we met when he was nice to me so its not something I want only because I think he will leave me. But since he has said all the leaving stuff and even divorced me and then threaten me with a life without kids is a hugh red flag for me he has no intention staying with me and if I let him do this to me I will regret the rest of my life for putting my wishes aside for him and to trust him. Its not possible to trust someone who has created so much doubt. And he has no right to threaten me. I have right to have kids. And he can chose to leave or accept it. So family kinda gets my safety for him being honest with his feelings. Even its not enough its better than letting him run all over me and leave me. If he doesnt want me and kids with me I know there are someone who wants and that I am worthy this.

I am tired of putting my real feelings about things into a box, to deny myself what I really feel about things. And this is how I feel about what he has done and I have told him how much I hate hearing him say what he say and that he took away my rights and took away his promises and agreement.

He cant blame me for this as it is his mistake. I am so sad and angry and I feel so betrayed. He´s not gonna win this. He can stay with me and have family or he can divorce.

Hugs to you.