A total and utter failure

[ExCruceLeo]

I've known for a long time... that I am a failure. I've found, wanting for something that isn't there... is weakness. I'm becoming somebody... that I don't recognize at all. No one can help... I don't blame anybody. I wouldn't want to be around me either. I'm told that I'm a good man... that's incredibly hard to believe. Why do I have to be alone?... I'm sorry everyone. I know I'm an annoyance... I have no right to be here.

[Leo1954]

You have every right to be here you are not an annoyance if that's the case there would be no such community on here. I felt the same way at the beggining sometimes still do you say what you have to talk about to get your feelings out. There is always someone somewhere on here for you to talk to. Just say what you feel and go for it!

OK?

[ExCruceLeo]

I've tried to be the best person I could possibly be... I love my family, I try... I live to help people. I love people in general... much deeper then I should. I have to prove myself to everyone... and I am so incredibly tired of it. It seems like I'm never able to fulfill peoples expectations of me... always being corrected, always being asked if I had, or hadn't done something. I'm 26... I should be able to live my own life! I have a mental and physical disability. For the physical, people doubt me in jobs that I know I can do, for the mental, people don't believe I have the capability to do something... even if I show them that I can. I am bi... however this is a problem, as I come from a "faith" background that considers all who are not "straight" to be abominations, so I can't tell anybody. I have pain in several places of my body, but I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to worry them... the thing that hurts the most, is I know I can help people... but because certain individuals only see my disability... I can't help... there's no way I can do it alone, and I have no way of getting the assistance that I need.

...I hate trying to prove myself so much... it's taking me to a point in my life... where I never wanted to go to. There's no understanding... from people who can't, or are unwilling to understand.

[rogina]

I do understand, I spent the last 3 days crying uncontrollably for who I am, and what i feel inside. Hold on, man. It will get better.

[Loneone]

You sound so much like me at times. I felt like even though I had to go about life on a slightly different path that I had to prove to everyone that I was worthy. However, going on others validation only gets you so far. It is impossible to please everyone, and you do sometimes meet people that just are not going to like you, and you may not like them. You have been told that you are a good man. Why do you think people say that? You have to be able to look into a mirror and like what you see. You absolutely have just as much a right to be here as any other person walking upon this earth. I have already found a part of you that I like just from reading your post. You stated that you care about people very much. You also have more to overcome than other people, but you want to work, to do it on your own. I would be so proud if my sons became caring, hardworking, independent people regardless of their sexuality. Please don't beat yourself up too much. Welcome to the site, and I hope you find some measure of peace talking with us. There's a lot of good people on here.

[CantGiveItAway]

Hi ExcruceLeo,

You are welcome here , I dont feel like your an annoyance....Maybe you could try and write down a few goals for yourself and think of ways of bringing yourself closer to them.

I hope you can try and reach out in someway and let people in to how your feeling. They may be more open and care about you more then you think. Im sorry I dont have more to offer right now.

You are someone who matters.

[ExCruceLeo]

I am incredibly upset! I was speaking to my Dad today, and he tells me that I need to learn how to "work hard"... Even with all the changes that I have made in the past years, he doesn't see it. I can't believe that! With the work I have done in my life to get myself to where I am now, I can't believe he would say that!

[SweetSue]

Hi ExCruxLeo

Im sorry you are really upset, sometimes people dont realise how much their words can either hurt or heal.

Parents sometimes say things meaning well, but ultimately get their wording wrong - is there a possibility that your dad didnt mean to upset you ?

Im sure you have been working hard the past couple of years, especially with all the adjustments you have made.

I hope that your tears ease soon, passing you some tissues, hmmm and chocolate through cyber space

Take care

[ExCruceLeo]

Sue,

First of all... I hope you are feeling better. And 2nd... I wish I had tears, that would actually help to relieve pain. I've stopped myself from crying a long time ago... it's horrible, but I did... I will take the chocolate though! I know he did not mean to hurt... but the words that he used did. I've tried to work so hard... am I really that much of a failure?... that none of those changes would be seen? Am I really a failure at the things that I do?... trying to help people, or trying to get better then I am?... I am such a moron... and idiot... I can't do what they want me to do... they won't see it.

[SweetSue]

Hi

Thankyou, Im working on things......

Hope the chocolate was nice

My parents never recognised anything that I achieved whilst growing up - or even throughout my early adulthood. It does not mean I didnt achieve anything - just that they were too self absorbed to notice. Yet, I think secretly I always wanted them to say, I had done something right for once, instead of being critisized or to just say Well Done.

Sometimes you dont always get the responses you need or yearn for from your parents. Its sad, but it is true.

Try and just pat yourself on your back, and say out loud to yourself that "I have tried my best, and I am not a failure", a failure does nothing. You keep going and you keep trying dispite all you are going through. That makes you a success

You are not a moron or a idiot, you dont even come close to those names. You are a kind caring person.

What more do your parents want you to do ? :confused:

Take care

[ExCruceLeo]

Hey Sue...

I am always trying to prove myself to others... if I don't I feel like I am hurting them... I am trying to get past this, but it has been beaten into me since I was born. Because I have disabilities, people look at me to work myself harder and harder until they are satisfied, and happy with my accomplishments... but I don't know how to make them that way! I had a therapy worker who worked with me last year... he tested me to see if I could get into a job placement organization for people with disabilities. He told me that he didn't notice that I have a disability at all... that's very hard to believe, because of how people... even my own parents, and family have treated me in the past. This sounds stupid... but I have very low self confidence... saying that... makes me feel like I would be trying to get attention... but it's true. It's one reason I try to help people... it makes me feel like I'm doing something, especially if I see results out of it.

[SweetSue]

Hi

Im sorry if people have treated you differently to how they should - just because of your dissabilities

What kind of work would you enjoy doing ?

It doesnt sound stupid at all that you have low self confidence, and it doesnt sound like you are attention seeking either. I think you are trying the best that you can - considering your circumstances.

Have you ever thought of ways that you could try improve on your self confidence ?

Take care