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The Closing of Another Door....


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I've always lived by the saying "God never closes one door without opening another." As I've watched the doors close on many chapters of my life, I often watched them close with a lot of questions and heart break,- just not understanding why so many doors had to be closed. When is the door going to open in front of me that leads to where I belong? To a place that is more than temporary? Last night, the door slammed shut on my family, leaving me standing on one side, my parents on the other, with them holding the key.

I've known for a long time that unless my mother got help with her mental issues, it would be best for me to have minimal contact with one another because instead of nurturing me as a mother should, she was tearing me down, little by little. All the lies that I believe she really believes in her mind, that she told my dad, and he believed as well. His reasoning? Because why would a mother lie??

Last night during one of my many phone calls with an ass chewing on the other end, my dad was saying how he couldn't believe I treated my mother the way I did. He was talking about the many things I supposedly said to her while he and my husband were gone on a hunting trip. Tired of having to defend myself from her fantasy world, I told him the truth, all the way down to my mother knowing my brother was an addict and not telling us about it. I cried, I begged and pleaded for him to listen to me, but he didn't. Instead, my branch has been severed from the family tree. I'm hurting really bad right now, and feeling as alone as ever. How is it my brother passes away and they up and decide that I'm some horrible person, so they need to disown me? How is it that dad can live with mom and not see that she really has issues? How can he not catch her in her lies especially after 36 years? Can he not look at me and see that I'm none of the things she portrays me to be. She spent years throwing suspicions on me when I was straight as an arrow in this life, to avoid my dad picking up on the fact my brother was the one who needed more attention. Now that he's gone, secrets buried, and no one being able to convince my father that yes, my brother had a life he didn't know about, I'm the bad person for standing up and saying the truth.

I don't know what to do. What door could possibly open now? I feel like I've ran out of doors to a dead end. Now I'm locked in a room, secluded, dark, and full of sadness. They say the truth will stand when everything else is gone.... what does that really mean?

I can't understand any of this nor will I ever understand it. How does a parent and child severe all ties? Why would a parent want to assume the worst and criticize a child until their dying day?

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Jenna, I'm so sorry for all of this pain. :P I'm also very sorry for my delayed response. :)

Your father sounds as though he is in denial of everything at this point. Did they cut off contact with you? :( Family therapy might be helpful. There are so many confusing emotions around grief, ups and downs... And this loss has been so very traumatic for everyone in the family. I'm sorry they are taking their anger out on you, Jenna. This is no reflection on you...

You have spoken of doors being closed. This must be very frightening and lonely for you. Can you reach out to your husband or a friend? I hope that you can be open to the possibility of doors opening once again. I know this may be difficult to see right now through all of your pain and sadness, but there is always hope, Jenna. Hang in there and be very kind to yourself. Take care.

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Yes, the communication has been completely cut off. The sad part of it is, I'm not so sure that all of it, or even half of it, can be blamed on grief. My mother spent years, 6 years to be exact, accusing me of using drugs, sleeping around with people, and so many other things that it's ridiculous. I never understood why she would say those things, especially when 4 out of those six years I spent sharing my life with a police detective who I thought I would be spending my life with. It was insane! As if I'd be a police officers fiance and be out partying wild and have the ability to raise our kids, keep a full time management job, and have a wonderful home as I did. I know now, my dad is gullable, and mom wanted to through dad off of my brother's addiction, so who better to get him worried about than his only other child. There are so many lies and betrayals of trust in this matter that I doubt even therapy would ever mend our relationship. My dad refuses to believe that my mother would lie to him, and in some strange, twisted way, I believe my mom has herself convinced of these things due to some type of mental illness. It's very hurtful, and has caused me to become a shell of a person over the last three years. I have closed myself into this shell trying to avoid contact with anyone and everyone, all because my self esteem has been torn down. I'm tired of defending myself against such claims. I'm exhausted IJ, I really am. I miss my brother dearly and I blame myself in so many ways for not being able to see that he was sick.

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This all sounds very confusing and painful for you, Jenna. :P I'm sorry your parents are not supportive and have been behaving so cruelly. This is a time when you need support the most. I'm sorry this is happening.

What aspects of yourself do you like? Can you connect with your strengths and know that you have gifts? You can feel your light internally and know that it belongs to you. I still struggle some with this myself at times, but I appreciate myself way more now than I did for much of my life. What are your gifts, Jenna? Can you share them with yourself?

I hear that you're feeling guilt around Charlie's death. From everything you've written, it sounds as though the two of you shared a beautiful brother and sister relationship. I don't think any of us can know exactly what is happening with another person unless they tell us. You were a great sister, I have no doubt. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. :)

Keep talking, Jenna. We're listening. Take care with you.

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Thanks IJ. I have spent so much of my life struggling with criticism from my parents that it has damaged my self esteem. I've also had other things in my life happen that have damaged how I see myself. I was raped at the age of 22 and I never sought help for that, and have only told a handful of people about it. In the long run, that has damaged my ability to trust. Then I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved very much. We moved in together, lived as a family with me and my daughter and him and his two daughters. When I started getting these odd muscle problems where my muscles would go rigid and stay like that for days, my relationship started deteriorating. I couldn't hold a coffee cup, feed myself, pull up my on pants. At the time, they suspected it was multiple sclerosis and still so suspect it, but couldn't diagnose if for sure through MRI's, and so at the time, I had no diagnosis. One night, out of the blue, he sat me down and told me he could not be with a "cripple". He made statements like," If I want to go to the beach, I want to do so without having to take care of someone while I'm there." My right hand had started to draw up at that specific time which he found disgusting, and so I was kicked out of my home, to start all over again, over something that I couldn't control. Though my hand has straightened up quite a bit, all but the ring finger and pinky finger that are slightly bent, I'm very self conscious now. I fear that at any moment I will be left by someone I love. Even though I have married since then, I fear that my husband will soon grow tired of having to deal with the muscular flare ups, the flareups of my depression, and the effects of my severe anxiety. When I had to quit working, I lost all the things I liked about myself. I no longer enjoy any of my hobbies, a lot of them I can't do because of my health. I used to love to hunt, but now I can't shoot a high powered rifle. I used to love to shoot guns at the range, but I can't shoot a hand gun because my hand locks up. I like to fish, but I get extremely irritated because I can't tie the hook on my line. I liked to sew, but handling anything small is pretty much impossible. I used to enjoy writing poetry, but I'm so distracted I can't do that. I've given up on enjoyment. I've searched for ways to relieve my stress, things to occupy my mind, but nothing has worked thus far. My anxiety and depression has taken its toll on all my friendships due to the fact I can't get out with them in public places because I freak out in stores, resturaunts, and any where public. I had one friend left, but when my husband had a job I did a good deed for her and paid her electric bill before it got shut off, and then she got a job, and I haven't heard from her. I think she fears I'll ask for payback from the bill I paid for her, but I told her when I paid it that she could take her time on paying me even if she had to wait until tax returns come back next year. I call, she doesn't answer, and it makes me sad to think that she too has abandoned me after all this time. There is no one I can talk to anymore. My husband tries to understand, he really does, but he gets frustrated so easily with things.

As for my brother's death, I miss him every day, sometimes I forget he's gone until I start to dial his number, but I know that some day I will see him again, and that he's in a better place. I do feel guilty because I couldn't see that he was an addict. I guess I feel like I slipped in some way because I've had 2 years of Criminal Justice under my belt in college and some police training, I feel like I should have been able to detect that he was under the influence. But why didn't I?

Life is too short for me to spend it like this. My ultimate fear is that I will spend my whole life in this prison of grief, depression, and anxiety, and never get to live. Without my parents there to repeatedly knock me down, will my self esteem grow to where I can establish myself and like the person that I am? Or will it just cause more grief knowing that my own parents have abandoned me like every one else in my life? The wheels turn in my mind non stop, pondering these things to the point it drives me crazy. I pray for the day that I can wake up and feel an ounce of happiness that is not drowned out with all the other bad emotions I feel.

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