Depressed.

[Filum]

On days that I don't have class, I sit at home watching cartoons, rotating jars until they're okay, and feeling sorry for myself. I had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks back. Or maybe last week, who knows. I'm having them uncomfortably often. People pretend not to hear me. I try to talk to them about anything and they look straight ahead or at each other. I looked in the mirror today and realized how much older I look than I realized, I look like an adult, but I'm dreaming about killing myself and ending up in a place with cute animals, singing, and the cartoon characters I watch. I drive, too. I drive to appointments and class and all sorts of places, and then I forget that I went anywhere unless I think about it. I don't know who is real. It's like there are doppelgangers everywhere, but it doesn't worry me, they've never done anything but leave me alone. It's almost comforting. I want to kill myself, but I owe too much debt to the gods and goddesses. I'm an Asatruar, not a very good one, but I'm kind to animals and I think that counts for something in a religion that values honesty, generosity, integrity, bravery. I couldn't qualify for the military even if I wanted to, forget Odin's and Freyja's halls if I died now. Hel would take me, and that would be a joyless existence. I'd rather pay my debts and go to my own world, where I can make cute anthropomorphic cartoon animals and do my own thing away from people.

[finding my way]

Filum, I am sorry for your pain :(

Are you able to do any volunteer work or a service job? Something simple that has you serving people in a small way. Even stocking shelves. I made ice cream cones in my first job, and it was an ok place to begin.

I hope today is better for you!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Filum,

why such unhappiness? why those terrible thoughts about wanting to kill yourself? are there any ways you have to help yourself feel better? are there things you enjoy doing during the day?

allan