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self from the perspective of the other


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I think I have problems seeing myself the perspective of the other. That is not to say I lack the ability to take the others perspective entirely, I do not for instance, lack in empathy for another person. . Nor is it the same as the inability to see what effect I have on the other. I know when I am making someone angry, I know when I am making someone uncomfortable, I know when I am making someone sad, and I of course wish not to make someone so.

What I am talking about is the particular instance where the other is experiencing 'me', and not when the other reacts to me, but what I am to the other person. The difference is that while I can tell when some one is reacting negatively to me, what I don't know is what part of me made the other react negatively to me. It is failure to see myself from the perspective of the other.

In other words I want to see myself not merely in relation to other, but myself 'as other' from the perspective of the other.

Or I guess I could simply say, I want to see myself 'as other'.

Although putting it that way makes it sound like a religious sentiment where 'I am in fact other', or where there is 'me in other', , which is not what I am trying to get at here.

Of course no one can actaully see themselves from the perspective of the other, no one can see the extact subjective experience of another person, but it is not so black and white, you can get closer to the subjective experience of the other.

If for example there is two people interacting, me and some one else, I say something and a I think it is coming off a certain way, but of course it is not at all coming off the way I think it is. Whatever I say or do is an extention of my own mind and thoughts, and my thought patterns are being extented into the interaction between me and the other person.

But the other person has no idea what thought patterns are going on in my head, and merely has my voice or doing in contrast to the dead space that surrounds any word or action that comes from me.

The other person can only get the tip of the iceberg as far as what I really mean or what thougth pattern I am really working with.

Of course, if the interaction was some kind of formal debate or philosophical discussion, people give the other time to present there full patterns of thougth and this ceases to be an issue.

But the vast majority of social interactions are not formal, One onely has the time to present the tip of the iceberg in terms of their thougths, and it is problem that I ignore. And it is not merely a 'good first impressions' thing, even when you are with a good friend, most of the time you arn't going into depth of thought, most of the time you are manipulating the tip of the iceberg, and it is therefore that tip of your iceberg that is who you are to the other most of the time.

I think many people, and in particular socially attractive people, are zoned in on their ability to consider the tip of the iceberg, and to live from that perspective and manipulate it, and get creative with it.

Too obsessed with your own thoughts and you completely negelct yourself from the perspective of the other. The more that you assume that the other knows your particular thought pattern at any given moment, the less and less social you are going to be.

It seems like obvious thing to say, but it is entirely a different thing to actually be able to do, at least for myself.

Sometimes you can suddenly be keenly aware of yourself from the perspectibve of the other, and it is terrifying to the extent that you didnt see it before, because it really turns who you thought you were upsidedown. If its really bad you start blaming others for making you that way, and you get paranoid, and angry at them.

To some extent others perpetuate who you are by the accepting you regardless of who you are (at least in circles of family and friends), and for that reason it never occured to you that you want to be any different, and on those ground you may blame others, but of course it was never their fault, it was all you from the beginning.

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