shanrucas Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Please God, universe, Angels...please take this pain in my heart away.....I know I posted all was going well in spiritual forum, but I think I lost my way again...it all hurts to much.... just don't think I can take much more..feeling quite weak...I know I will sleep sooner or later and perhaps make it out of this darkness that seems to have snuck up on me...its my fault that I let negative forces into my life today and they won't leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danni Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 shan...my heart hurts for you I am so sorry for all you are going through. It's so much more than any human should have to handle. It is NOT your fault! You are going through so much. Of course there's going to be times that seem like you got a handle on things and other times when the pain, stress and incredible load feels like too much. I wish for you strength to weather those storms. You are truly an amazing person. What can you do to take care of you in the middle of all this? What can give you a moment to breathe and regroup? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted October 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Thank you for being there for me at this time, I know I will get through this, I have for ten years...its just hard after I had such a wonderful day with mom yesterday and last night when she had such clarity, nothing else mattered at the moment and now tonight she is looking at me as if I am a stranger and keeps asking for her mother as is she was a child..not to mention i just lost some friendships over a deal selling my beloved horse and getting ripped off by it...not that the money mattered so much but the fact I though these people came to me as friends..but in reality they knew my situation and totally took advantage...but thats nothing i can control...my focus is mom and it hurts when she looks at me like a was a stranger and doesn't respond when i say I love her...so tonight for the first time in months I feel so alone and scared..I thought I had won over these fears..but I guess I am feeling to tired and down to fight it off...hopefully I will get some sleep and tomorrow will be another day...I have always planned to see this to the end and I will no matter the pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leo1954 Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 I'm so sorry with what you are having to deal with. As you know I have going through this. My mom is now on her last stage of Alzheimers. I also remember 1and 1/2 yrs. ago my mom looked at me and also called me mom. I am not on here that much just kinda living in limbo between her & my daughters illness. I know the pain you're feeling it's hell! I will never be the same again. Alot of people [not on here] don't realize that everything is stopped and not knowing from one day-hour- minute will bring. I have a very diffucult time when I go see my mom because she can hear but she can't at all communicate. She is now on a feeding tube also because she cannot swallow. My daughter is in remmission from her brain tumor but, from the side effects of all the treatments she is bedridden from massive headaches she is now on straight morphine pump she can't work it because of her disabitlities so i have a bell in her room so she can ring it when she needs more. Just love your mom and go with her thinking process with her It is extremely hard but I had to learn it and it's heartbreaking. It's really sad that as you get older everything you work for disappears before us. I have no friends or family with me that gives a damn so I'm on my own and I am here to the very end. You are doing exactly the same. I only have one coping method that is within me and that rite now is the only thing I have left. I have lost half of my brain cells but the others keep recharging themselves. SO HERE I STAY!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 coping with a mom or dad who has alzheimers is one of the most harrowing things a person can go through.if we are (each of us individually) going to be real honest with ourselves, we are going to admit to ourselves that our relationship with our parents were mixed, sometimes good and sometimes terrible. alzheimers has a way of stoking those old emotions combined with a good dose of guilt. not to forget grief.allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted October 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 Thanks Allan...but I feel I must make a correction here, many think my mom has alzhiemers..this is not the case she is in the last stages of progresseive MS and has been for some time..the lesian that was found on her brain I am sure has grown over time, this is the type of dementia she suffers from time to time..there are days she has such clarity such as a couple of days ago and then she slips in some sort of in between state..I have seen those who suffer from Alzhiemers and she really does not share the same type of dementia. She has been mostly confined to her bed due to loss of motor skills...she is not mobile hardly at all but despite it all she continues on. Just thought I need to clarify that. thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted October 15, 2011 Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 Shanrucas, Leo, What you are going through must be so very hard and yet you keep on doing it because you care for your loved ones, I admire and respect both of you for that so much. We have a saying here, that if you give out good, it will sooner or later be given to you. I wish you both the best. Take care. (((((hugs))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted October 15, 2011 Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 Thinking of you today. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I hope you are able to get some breathing space for your needs too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted October 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 Thank you all,, Im am doing the best to keep my spirituality alive and myself in a good place as best as I can...This is getting to the hard part..mom is talking always about wanting to die and being with her mother, its confusing sometimes cause then she will say she does not want to die...but the truth is I think she wants to let go so bad and I feel so helpless about it..her mind is getting ready to let go..but her body isn't...all I can do is just keep telling her how much I love her and that I am ok...but its terribly heartbreaking..I have had some friends start to stop by so that I can at least go outside and have myself a good cry, so that I can be strong when I am with her. I just have a hard time cause its obvious to me her mind wants to go but her body is keeping her here..sometimes its hard not to get angry at God for putting such a loving caring woman who has never done harm to anyone through this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 Hi Shan'how are things now and how are you doing?allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted October 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks Allan for asking. MS is such a thing to deal with, my mother's mind wants one thing, but her body is wanting another. She has been talking a lot about and perhaps to my grandmother who passed away a year ago. She said to me yesterday to please let her die, I just said it wasn't up to me, all I can do is be here and take the best care of her and love her, she seemed be satisfied with that answer.I just take each moment as it comes...she has clarity when talking directly to me, but then she sleeps into another in between state of consciouness. This is very hard to watch..her mind I feel wants to be released from this, yet her body despite being completely immobile has the vitals of a twenty year old. Which even the nurses that come in are envious of. I just can't imagine what its like for her..I don't see destress in her or anything like that..just a longing.I have been very careful for her and I to keep positive people around us, any negativity or pity seems to have an effect on both our well being.I have been in constant contact with a wonderful woman who is donating her time to talk with me when needed, the best I can call her is my life coach. I feel this situation calls for something like that..I tried going into therapy but all they wanted to discuss is my past trauma's and had no interest in giving me the tools I need to get through this situation. However, this woman has, she has made it clear how I can take care of myself and do some deep breathing exercises and has talked me throught them...my anxiety levels have dropped to almost none because of this..so know I am convinced bipolor, anxity PTSD is not the main issue in this situation, I just needed new tools to deal with this life stage. I have been saying I love you mom and that I am ok, perhaps this is why she has been able to verbalize her thoughts about death..I don't know for sure, I just try to keep it positive...she has suffered being bedridded for ten years. She is a loving mother and I know that I am one of the fortunate people to have such a parent and she deserves better than this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted October 18, 2011 Report Share Posted October 18, 2011 This woman is a real therapist because a real therapist is first, foremost and always, a human being and the so called therapist you went to is not.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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