~TRIGGER WARNING~ do not read if u SI :(

[mscat]

I've done my best to warn folks about this thread i shall post. pLease do not read unless your aware that some of this is and will be disturbing to most Sier's in general . :eek:

So what is going on with mscat? well she is going to embark on a serious SI this am . Will not go into details, because will not want to trigger more sier;s to do this...

It is a form of severe SI that is because their is a freight train moing in her head that is going to crash into the apartment complex, and it must be stopped , by SI. SI is the only thing that can allow it from happening, and their is a peace actually that has overcome the body, because it has been decided to carry it on through.

Yet, the heart is racing and the body is geared up for it's next assult. Some may not believe this new thread, others might wonder WTF? Well is is real, more then real , yet the body is, and tghe rest in piece.

For those who have read previous si threads i've posted then u know I am not playing games. AND for that matter, taking a huge risk writing about it before engaging in such behavior.

It is however, only body parts that is on attack, and nobody is getting hurt by it, SO reasoning is still intact, nobody is getting hurt, because when your numb, the pain feels like a welcomed relief.

It has though been coming, the ttrain, and fast, and crap, it is like an unbelieveable rush to do what is to about to be done, the child, is sasfe at school, and has people to watch him, the puppy will be safe in anther room , where chemicals won't hurt her.

Yes, it needs to be carried out to purify the inner body , and the calmness will set in. Only problem is, i'll shall not be here for a while, sense most humans consider killing your skin as gross, and typically frown upon such behavior.

Not wriring about cutting , friends , that is not what this is about, anther more severe form of Si , in which won't be written about, no ideas given to fellow Sier's. It has occured three times so , one knows the drill quite well by now..... Just really do not get the reason why others think it is so wrong to do?

Must gear up to be ready to face a nother psych team, that looks upon me , and i say, I won't do it again, or it was not a sucide attempt! Convince the team, so one can be let out free, and go home! The knuckeheads actually have their own team, in the critical care unit, and they are annoying. I am so musch feeling better at that time anyhow, that they can't commit me :eek: That is all I need to advoid.

I am up, fired up, at the momnet. AND yes, this is a planned out activity, acting on impulse at the same time, pure adrenaline rush.

Well humans do odd stuff, and as long as it is not done to anther human , then it is tolerable. As long as it is not considered a suicidal act, then one is ok. SO yes, i am very familar as how this all works, all too familiar.

SO goodbye folks, for a bit, probably in a week or so, I'll shall be back with the rest of the story.

Who knows, perhaps the rest of the stor WIll deter any of this Si with the rest of u SIER's make me an example of what not to do. Signing off, and no worries , cause its happened before. This too shall pass, and I;ll be back , if I do not get in troube for posting this , and be booted . please do not boot, me Allen, Mark, just here is a rare insight to one person whose going to SI in the worst way.

[nightfalls]

MSCAT,

Well I don't really know what all I could say to you, I think you feel strong in the sence that you know what you want to do I don't know why you would post though because I feel that posting is a way to gain support to help yourself through the hard times, it is almost though you mock it. I understand that you feel what you feel and that the SI is a powerful way to extreamly let out all the stuff inside, I know it feels better after in the off way but you need to try and allow yourself something OTHER to feel. Planning such a act in the extream way you are discribing is scary and is scary for all those around you including your child safe at school, this child is going to need you forever and you are discarding your body telling yourself it will not hurt anyone? You are hurting YOU! your body numb or not it is YOUR body! SI might be a coping thing but it is a crappy way to cope and really it is not coping at all it is letting all the crap overwhelm you, giving into impulse and allowing yourself to not to care for yourself. I wish for you that you can see that you are hurting you and that you deserve better treatment from yourself whether you want it or not you deserve it! I am sorry for the bluntness but you are also so blunt. I want to support you to get better and not do this, as I also need support here too. I hope I could support you enough so that you write back that you changed your mind. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for you, please take care of YOU!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Forgeting and mscat,

I agree with Forgeting that SI and self injury are crappy ways to cope. Mscat, why do you hug the SI and self injury so strongly to yourself? Are you feaful of finding healthier ways of coping??

Allan

[JustTrying]

MSCAT... I hope you make it through ok.... you are in my thoughts... SI is not good.... but if you need me I am here...

JT( aka Gabby)

[Catmom]

I do not SI but whenever one of the folks who does this posts & describe how much better he/she feels when doing it--up to the point where the shame and remorse set it, of course, I am struck by how much SI is like any other addiction.

When I initially contemplated stopping my addictions (especially gambling), I wasn't afraid of learning healthier ways to cope but I was afraid that nothing could soothe me the way gambling did.

It took quite a bit of tolerating emotional pain before I began to learn how to soothe myself without addictions. Unfortunately, anyone involved in an addiction cannot be forced to stop. He or she must decide that the negative consequences outweigh the rewards. For me, that is the great mystery of recovery: What is it that finally gets a person to stop the insanity?

I know what it took for me and mscat will have to find her own answers. Needless to say, I would rather she get her Yorkie pup certified as a therapy dog, but that's just me.

Catmom

[mscat]

On behalf of cathy i did not like the mocking part about the SI....i'm in a hospital in fresno having surgey on tuesday...thank you to those who understand what i'm going throuth.....

[nightfalls]

Mscat,

I am so sorry I think you misunderstood what I ment or that I chose the wrong word to say what I ment, I ment that I hope that you could come to gain support here to help you to not SI instead of just anouncing it that you are. I feel helpless that I can't say anything to help you, or do anything to help you so it is hard cause I feel sad that I read this and can't do or say anything for anything. So I questioned why do you post it, I suppose just to say it, but I felt puzzled by what you were needing.

Again I am sorry:(

[paula]

Hi Mscat

I don't understand the pain you are going through at the moment, but if its anything like the pain I am suffering at this present time, I wish you well!

There's nothing worst than being alone to try and deal with the suffering!

My heart goes out to you at a time like this!

[JustTrying]

I think by Posting you are going to SI ... It is just a statement of fact.... Just to put it out there... Not really a cry for help... But perhaps I am wrong.. If someone posts " I am going to kill myself" and they stick around long enough to read a reply... they may feel better and not so alone and do something else.

I think ANYTHING.. used to escape reality is not good. ... but we all do what we know best....

JT

[Sallystern]

Be safe! Get and use help!

[mscat]

Hey there, i have tried to post a few times, on an update , about this thread, however, it was not going through. If this one does, then I shall update more.

Thanks to all of you who have stuck in and supported me through this difficult time. Your support is greatly apreaciated.

[mscat]

again I lost anther post :mad: I'll make it short then. I am out , since yesterday. Thanks you very much for all of you support and kind words.

Yes, it is A very bad form of SI, and NO i am not healed physically. It is the 4rth time severely, and worst yet ever, no more SI . I hate it. It makes me physically ill too, and there is a lot of shame, embarassment, guilt , and ugliness. YES, I got very sick physically, and it is not over either.

SI is a monster. Do not let it take over, and kill u. I do not want to die from this. PLease, all of u si'ers this can get out of control and take over your mind, heart, and body.

I do not want this ever to happen to nobody ever, not even to me. It is horrendous.

It is too late for me to be regreful, yet i am, and disgusted . My behavior , the impusivity, everything about it is a "monster"

I wrote beforehand my thoughts, whice I had never ever done before. i do not know hy either, I just had. Well the freight train came and collided with my emotions and body, leaving me all broken, and disrepaired. It sucks, and I feel worse then ever, not happy , not calm, scared and frightend of my behavior. That is what it is like to have done what i have to myself .

[JustTrying]

No great words of wisdom.... My thoughts are with you.. Be safe!!!

JT

[mscat]

any words from anybody is helpful to me . At this time . I want to get better, I hate this, and the way I feel , everyday about Si and what I've done. I do not want pity, or the poor Cathy Routine, just understanding , and not to be judged or labeled.

I am in agreement that any addiction is A living hell. The pain of Si is Hell and nightmarish.

one of these days I would like to help somebody through their own SI.

Of course Self injury is not the only issue here, however, can quickly become out of control aand dangerous.

It helps me to write about it, in a safe place where nobody knows me. It is safe in here, and that is what I like.

I am not "crazy" just use poor coping skills that have done enormous harm to my body.

I feel like I am a good person, yet, feel very in compentent and "different" from the rest of society. not because of Self injury, but more like an alien from outter space .Never accepted , never been good enough, and always a bit off in respects of being A human .

It goes deep into my soul and is unshakeable. I wonder what I neded to do to get back into normalcy. ?

[JustTrying]

Have you thought about cognative behavior therapy???? I have a link to a site that you can take a test and it helps you figure out what you need to work on and gives suggestions... but I do not know if I can post it.... It is free I think.. I will have to check it out again and make sure they are not trying to sell something... I took the test and scored pretty much in the NEED HELP section!!! But I never followed it through.

You know somewhere it was mentioned about Tatoos... it is sorta "funny" I have thought many years about getting a Tatoo.. but I wanted to be so careful to pick the right one or ones... Didn"t want to look trashy etc... AND I still haven't gotten any .. although I have decided on a picture of a MIN PIn and a Heart with dixie design with Hubs name and our marriage date...One on each shoulder so they could be covered up.....

BUT>>>YET>>> I will cut my arms , wrists and shred my thighs?? I do not understand that .... is it because I think the scars will go away? Or that I do not care at the time??? I am not too much worried about how I look.. I mean I think I look nice but I do not do the make up thing or buy the latest fashions etc... But I do not want to get "weird" Looks either.

I cut when I get depressed and then angry... the ol" I WILL SHOW YOU.. thing... I will hurt me and by doing that I am going to hurt you!!! I know that is not rational.. but that is how it is. Same thinking I use to get drunk sometimes.. or chop all my hair off...

Man I wil be glad when I get back to therapy....

Sorry.. I did it again.. took someones post and turned it around to about me... I am truely working on that......

It is just that all I know is ME... I can't tell you what to do... I can only tell you what I do and how I feel and hope that someone will get something out of it. Does that make sense???

HERE is a BIG OL' HUG for you!!! When you think you are no good .. know that talking to you helps me... I do not think you are an alien!!!

JT

[mscat]

JT,

I have several Tatt's They are so much nicer then scars all over the place. Trust, me, i'd rather people notice my tats then the burn scars anyday ! That is exactly how I got interested in them.

I was actually a little discouaged that A skin graph was done on my upper arm from a bad Si a couple weeks before the worse self injury... Come to find out they were third degree burns, however, I did not think he would graph those after being there for over a week :eek: Oh well, if it heals up wel , I'll tat over the graphing. Sometimes, I can do that, not always though.

Yes, i am a Tattoo junkie . I really adore them. To me they are art. NOT SI. SI messess up your body badly, and then nosy people get into your private business.

Most of my SI scars look like accidents though, and nobody thinks they were self inflicted, yes, it is quite sad huh.

Burn scars , are different the cutting scars , and most people think of Cutting as Si more then the burning .

The las and worst Self injury is where I am covered, so thankfully , I should not have all the ques. about the scars there. It got so out of control this time that I did not evem mean to get "hurt " there . I am like oh crap, I si'ed there? no, it got there, and lord, the Paramedics were act. gong to cut my clothes off..... But, i coroperated, and well YES, very embarassed when he was telling me that there are injuries on your right breast.... So the Si did go everywhere, and too places it shoud not have ment to .

Now I am healing at home, the first stage of recovering from this. The second stage is going to be even more painful. And I will be in the hospital once more.

The third stage hurts too, when the staples are removed, but, when that happens, it is a good thing, because by then I am really on my way to recovery of the Severe Si.

[JustTrying]

I have never burned.... do not think I will.. That hurts for a long time does it not??? I have had accidental burns and they were not nice... ( from working on a car or lighting a heater etc) Well I was going to say something about cutting but I do not want to glorify it..... Let's just say I really do not cut so much for the pain.. it does not really hurt...I like to watch the blood... but I like blood.. I have done surgery on some puppies.. when they were a few days old.. and when the kids or Grandkids get hurt.. I am the one that takes care of that.. everyone else sees blood and goes EWWWW ... to me blood is pretty... not sayin I would ever make anyone else bleed... but you maybe know what I mean...

Everyone is amazed I do not have tats.... I married a biker when I was 15... and the one I am married to now is covered in tattoos... I just never did it... Maybe MOM... kept whispering in my ear!! .... disgracing God's temple etc!!!

Do have some peircings though.. noone can see them but hubs and me... Thought they would hurt... the man at the shop was amazed I did not cry... he said BIG men have cried when he did that to them!!! But I have a high Pain tolerance.

I am sorta NEW to cutting and I am trying to not do it.... it does distract me from other things.. and I thought it was a good thing when I discovered it.. but... I really do not want scars... and the last time an infection set in... It itched real bad.. but it eventually went away.... I have always been into self Injury though.. but it use to be just bruises and such... NO DETAILS.. do not want to give anyine any ideas.... Mostly I did that when I felt like a failure or a piece of crap... Notice I said FELT.. I know I am a good decent person.. but feelings lie sometimes.. or someone has drilled it into your head for years.. You know.... Or THEY tell you that.....

THEY haven't been around to much lately.. I wonder why???

JT

[mscat]

Well I hope since some of this SI is new to you, that your able to stop as soon as possible.

I am not into the other, because of the blood thing, but have as well at times. I want to quit and stop because it has become way too out of control. That is what scares the crap out of me.

[JustTrying]

Not trying to be a smart ass but are you seeing anyone???

JT

[mscat]

hey your not A smart ass for asking that! Yes, I am in therapy and see A psych doctor. I am on A lot of medications too.

it has been suggested to start DBT group therapy, and I may look into that as well.

I have had mental health issues for over half my life. It is a struggle, that I so very much like it to stop, and feel like A normal person. I have to quit the major SI especially. This is serious trouble, which could cause perm. damage, and has, and death, so I have to STOP.

[Mark]

DBT would really be a good idea. It is the recommended psychotherapy for severe suicidality and self-harm - with the best science-based track record of working for people.

DBT is a sort of cognitive therapy, but it is cognitive therapy with some added ingredients, the most important of which has to be exercises that are designed to help you learn to gain better emotional control. These are often called self-soothing exercises. They are designed to help you gain a little detachment from your suffering so that you don't feel the urge to make it worse by struggling with it. Nuf said. Please talk to your therapist about DBT.

Another thing to look into is actual mindfulness meditation practice. Also very much designed to help someone detach from the aggitated stream of thought/emotion that they are usually embedded in - like that compulsive thought that says "i must harm myself". From a more detached "witness" perspective that you can learn to cultivate, you can look down on the storm more and not feel that you have to act it out so much. This sort of thing is gaining a lot of traction in the therapy community. You might ask your therapist about locating a local group where you can learn/practice this sort of thing. This interview with Shinzen Young who is a meditation teacher is worth a listen, and Young gives online classes if you cannot find anything local.

<shudder>burning!</shudder>

Mark

[mscat]

Thank you Mark. My Therapist is aware Of the DBT Group Therapy. However, had not reccomended it to me because I get very agitated with people quickly. Such as, set off too easy , and annoyed. however, he did say the group is small, so it is worth the try. I am willing to give it a go, because I Can't go farther down the hill of Self injury. The only thing he asked me the last meeting was if I was going to do this again? WEll, I honestly could not answer him that, i do not know. It scares me to become so out of control with myself, and to realise that it 'is not in my control' after it reaches A certain breaking point.

i have A teenaged son that is on the autistic spectrum, and even A Dog to look after, Two birds a fish as well. They all need me to be as stable as I can.

It is a wonder that I've pushed the envelope several times and still have my freedom. When I am psych. evaluated in the Hospital, I am in my right mind, and can answer questions correctly. that i am mentally compentant, is what keeps me out of there. Further Hospitalization.

I am always told that I am smart, and "wondeful" I hate that, the sugary sweet approach... Yuck:eek: .

I do not fall for it either, but it is a team and they are in training to become professionals. As they are trying to figure me out, I already got their number. LOL. I've been around the block a few times, and seen different techn. applied.

It is a bit hard for them to "pull one over" only because Psych. professionals have been trying to figure me out all my life.

Seriously, I do not understand myself as much as i'd like to admit either, and therefore the world can become a scary place.

Next week i go back in for perm. skin graphs. That is all I shall say about the severe Si . I have to stay in a few days for pain control. AND hopfully this will be the last time of major SI. With the support of DBT, I hope it will make a difference in my behavior.