Mounting Fears

[Howcreativeami]

Hey guys. I posted on here once before when I didn't know where else to turn, and it was great to get such support back from everyone.

When I posted up years ago it was because I was going through a particularly rough period, and in the interim I both picked things up again, had another lapse into depression, and got dragged out of it by friends.

Things are...different now. Better, but I'm petrified of thinking about the things that made me so unhappy, because I'm so scared it will bring me right back to where I was. I lost friends, I lost touch with family. I've been single for nearly 2 years now for fear of letting someone in.

How do I stop myself using distance as a defence mechanism? I sat at home lonely this weekend rather than text a friend and risk them being too busy to meet up. I create distance with anyone who shows interest in me romantically- last week I met up with an old friend who told me they'd had feelings for me for a few years, and just wanted to ask me out and see how we go. Even now I can feel myself making excuses not to do it, to blow it off etc. It's ridiculous.

I'm terrified of being rejected, so I push the people I care about away. I'm still very lucky to have the friends I do, but I don't want to lose any more.

I just need to find a way to stay mentally healthy. I'm often lonely, unhappy with my job etc. I find even the TINIEST thing can bring me close to tears. But as always I can never actually cry. God I'd love to just cry some of it out, I bet it would help. But everything manages to fill my eyes with tears nonetheless.

I think if I let people in more, and took the risk, that it would make things an awful lot easier.

I'm sorry for going on, I just needed to talk about this a little. Thanks everyone for reading.

[IrmaJean]

I remember you.

I'm sorry you are struggling with these fears. Taking risks is never easy. There is always the possibilty that we will get hurt by putting ourselves out there. I think it's really about embracing life and living it to the fullest. There is also the possibilty of finding great joy and love. I was hurt once when I lost a friend. It was difficult and painful, but I came out of that experience a stronger, more compassionate person. I wouldn't trade the experience away. When we make friends and care about others, we connect with ourselves, we learn more about who we are, and we grow as human beings. I understand it isn't easy, creative. I hope you will not deny yourself the experiences life has to offer. Try challenging yourself little by little and building up some confidence.

I wish you well. It is good to see you again. Take care.