my mother does not trust me

[Darkness]

Gah!

Well some of you know that I have some serious issues with my mother, but I can;t get her to admit it.

Does anyone remember about one-two years ago (I was about 18.6 years old) I think by now, when my older brother attacked me and we were both arrested? Because of it I couldnt stay home when my brother and sister were home. Anyway, that was because of my ass ex step dad, not knowing SHIT about what happened more or less said that because they wre his kids as well as my mom's (my half siblings)

well I wanted to stay the night over to hang out with my brother it being a saturday night and all and my mom said that she had to work in the morning so my 15 year old brother would be watching my 9 year old sister.

And she says she wouldn't let me stay the night because 'if the house went on fire or the cops came' it wouldnt be good and it was 'just in case' and that 'you would be an easy target' and that with "my history" it's better to be safe.

What history you may ask?

Well, really only two things.

I once went across the street when HOME ALONE when 911 wasn't working. I accidentally cut myself too deep and needed stitches.

The other time was with my older brother. My mom left him, me, and my younger brother home alone. My older brother molested me when I was young, has some brain damage, and a impulsive and firey temper, espeically when it comes to me. He sees stuff where there is nothing and is a real asshole.

QUICK REVIEW OF THE CASE WITH MY BROTHER:

Anyway long story short he stayed for a month or so because he got kicked out of my biological dad's house. We were arguing about an event on an online game, something that would interactively change the course of a several month long campaign. we both played the game and this battle was really important; infact me and my younger brother were on opposite sides (it was my younger brother or me getting on that was the argument)

Long story short he got really bad about it and I pointed at the door and said "get out" and he beat the shit out of me. I left to get the same neightbors again across the street, and they wernt home/ i went back and my older brother agreed to get his stuff and leave. i went into the kitchen to get a drink from the screaming earlier and when i turned around he had his hands on my neck... i reached for a knife he beat me up more and the cops came and arrested both of us.

So because of those two things, I can't stay with my brother and sister alone. The more serious event with my older brother has NEVER happened with anyone else, and the charges were dropped, but it never mattered to my mom. It never mattered that I had a rock solid defense, that my older brother's statement itself claimed that he struck me first both times, and that he "made sure to follow up with at least two more hits" and shit like that. It admitted to him choking me 'by accident' and that I only reached for a weapon AFTER he assaulted me a second time.

Even after she pretty much bitched and made a vague threat of kicking me out so she could see some of the legal stuff (keep in mind I was 18 at the time), she still didnt trust me, despite seeing that the statements made a very strong case for me.

-END OF REVIEW-

Anyway, she doesn't trust me, but says that it's 'for everyone's benfit'. She slipped up at one point and said something that proved she didn't trust me, but I forget now in all the emotion what it was. It was something about somethign I would do or another.

Hell, she claimed to be going to take me up to see my cousins and aunt for thanksgiving but then bailed on me with the excuse that my aunt would not be there most of the time, but that my younger bro and sis would still go with her to see their cousins and that her mom would be there too.

I know though why she changed her mind; she doesn't want me talking about my "devil worship" (keep in mind that's a slur equal to "fagot" among many Satanists) and embarrassing her. It's always been about her and to be quite honest I'm pretty sick of it. Even when I survived my suicide attempt last June she made it all about her and how it would make HER look.

But I can't get the stupid bitch to just admit that she doesn't trust me. Hell, she never taught me to drive because she thinks I would fuck up somehow.

How can I get her to face it and just fess up? I imagine that as fragile and anxious as she is she will emotionally break down because she can't admit it, but hell I don't care anymore.

Satanism demands that I am honest with myself, and take responsibility for my actions. To me, my faith makes this concept of honesty with others paramount to me. I've been lied to so much that I am SICK of it. The fact that I want others to be honest with me in a result of my nature, and therefore faith. The fact that I want her to be honest with me is inseparable in terms of my convictions and inherent nature.

The reason I mention this is because I want anyone reading this to realize that I will stop at very little emotional fallout to get the truth out of her; I WANT THE TRUTH! So if you want to convince me to leave it be, it won't help.

I'm honest with myself and with where I stand with others, why can't they just do the same? Do people really think that it's better to lie to themselves and bottle it down? I'm sick of this.

[Lana73]

Do people really think that it's better to lie to themselves and bottle it down? I'm sick of this.

Yes, a lot do and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. But I understand your frustration.