What to do?

[Beyondreach]

Hello All,

It has been a while since I last visited and posted here. Anxiety and depression will always be a part of my life, however, I think I do a decent job of managing it fairly well most days. Obviously some days are better than others...but thats just life.

My conondrum in particular is between my wife and I. The last two years have been difficult at best. We've been together for 18 years and married for 11. We have two terrific kids 8 and 3. Our finances are good and everybody is healthy. Even though we are fortunate with finances and health, my wife and I seem to be drifting apart. We constantly bicker about the same old issues...over and over and over. It is trying on both of us...to boot the kids can recognize it too. We've been going to a marriage counselor over the last year and made some progress...but the progress we make always seems to revert back to the same as it ever was.

Is this just a normal part of marriage? Do all married couples go through this? In addition to counseling...what else can we do? I don't want our marriage to be like this and do love her. One can only take so much until they raise the white flag. I sure wish I knew what to do. I am tired and feel like I don't have any more of myself to give.

Thanks,

Beyondreach

[danni]

I think most marriages go through ups and downs. Marriage is hard work!!! Do you schedule time to do things with each other that don't involved the children? AKA.....do you still "date". Have you talked with your counsellor about communication styles? Constant bickering can be damaging.

[CantGiveItAway]

Hi Beyondreach,

Maybe theres a few little changes you can make that youve missed. Showing her you still care in ways and are enthusiastic about some things, could have a positive impact on her... I think trying to be open, and looking for better ways to compliment each others needs might help with some of the issues. I dont know what they are, I dont think its healthy to hold important things in. Being able to freely express yourself and better communicate with each other is always good.

[Athena]

Hi BR,

My sister and her husband seem to be one of the happiest couples I've ever met. They have gone down to Canyon Ranch to work on their marriage. I think it helps that she never had kids of her own, only helped bring up his mostly trained kids from adolescence on. She once said to me "C, everybody knows you can't have kids AND a career!" Like I was the biggest idiot on the planet. So if your wife works and if she is doing most of the child rearing, that is a problem right there. Who does household chores, shopping, meal planning, meal preparation, planning for kids activities, organizing playdates, help with homework, emotional nurturing, chauffeuring, after school care and summer childcare? Does your wife ever get a break or does she work from 6 am to 9 pm weekdays dealing with paid work and kids? Who does stuff on the weekends 8 am to 9 pm? If it is your wife, then how do you think she feels about working 100 hour workweeks if you are only working 40 hour workweeks? And if that's the arrangement, no wonder you love her. But how could she possibly love you back?

Sorry, this is a rather extreme example of the things that can go wrong. But expecting overwhelming gratitude because one day you actually bring the garbage cans back in after the garbage has been collected (instead of the usual -leaving them out there for her to pick up and refill with clean bags, all the while thinking to yourself that you did the whole job) - may leave you sorely disappointed. Same goes for putting a red sweater in with the whites so you'll never be asked to do it again, hiring a lawn cutter and putting it on her visa, buying the wrong size clothes for your kids (8 year olds take size 8 - it's not rocket science!) and chatting with her while you watch her lug heavy suitcases out to the cab when you go on holiday. Saying "I didn't want to insult you by helping you lift heavy objects" just doesn't cut it. Women's lib does NOT mean "Let women do ALL THE WORK". That just ain't equality and you will be resented a hundred times over.

Just remember - us working women ALL want wives - not just men!