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Does it Ever Stop??!!!


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I had an awful dream this morning. Woke up at 4 A.M. trying to tell myself it was a dream.

In the dream I was at an awards ceremony for my nephew, and the auditorium was fairly dark, all except for the stage. My brother was there. I went up to him and was talking to him, so happy to see him, because even in my dream I knew he was dead. As I was talking to him I noticed he never acknowledged I was there, just had a distant stare and unblinking eyes, but he was talking to his ex wife. I shook him trying to get his attention, and I noticed his fingernails were blue and dirty. I reached out and touched his hand, it was so cold and strange feeling. I took off running through room after room with lots of windows and doors, not sure of what or whom I was looking for. Dad was in one of the rooms in a recliner crying and covered up with a blanket. I stopped and asked what was wrong and he said he was hurting and needed his medicine. I didn't speak of Charlie to him because I knew he was too emotionally fragile. I was looking frantically for his medicine, finally found it, got him calmed down, and ran through the mazes of rooms looking for someone to confirm they saw Charlie too, that it wasn't in my head. I couldn't find my mother, so I went back out to the auditorium, and I couldn't find him. I started screaming for him, all the while the ceremony had started and came to a halt when I started yelling for my brother.

I woke up and I could still feel his cold hands and see his glassy eyes. I kept rubbing my hands together trying to get them to warm up. It was an awful feeling.

Is this ever going to go away. The flashbacks, the dreams, the horror of reliving his death time and time and time again. It's driving me insane, breaking my heart, tearing me apart. 4 days until my appointment, to me, it can't come quick enough. If this is PTSD, it's almost unbearable. I can't find a means of escape even while I'm asleep.

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The day is proving to be more and more difficult. The images are burned into my mind. I can't erase them, I can't find a remote bit of comfort. I'm pacing, I'm aggravated, I'm short, irritated, stressed, on the brink of tears. The visions.... they come and they go.... but the effects remain. I feel like my brother is haunting me. I feel the emotions as if they were real, not a dream.

With the reaction I had to risperidone, I don't think medicine is an option. I'd rather not take meds anyway. I might as well not even take my anxiety medicine as it is because I'm hysterical either way. The only thing it helps is the choking feeling that I get when I don't take it. I still have the panic attacks. I refuse to increase the dosage. At this point and time, I feel very alone and like no one understands what I'm going through.

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Thanks Sue. I finally gave up on trying to fight sleep and went to bed around 3:00 a.m. Not before switching the furniture around in the living room though.:( I've really lost my mind. I've been scrubbing like a mad woman around this house and switching things around just to keep my mind busy. I didn't have a peaceful sleep but there were no dreams. I overdid myself yesterday. My muscles and joints are killing me, I haven't taken my pain medicine in two days. I think I'm punishing myself. The rain has moved in which doesn't help my physical pain or my depression.

I'm to the point Sue, that I just don't believe it's gonna get better, only worse. Tomorrow makes six months since Charlie passed away. Maybe this is just the way my mind is programmed to react to situations such as these. My hope is withering away, Sue. I'm feeling so many emotions right now, none of them good. Not having someone around to be able to talk to hurts. The people on here are the only ones who don't turn a deaf ear to me.

How are YOU hon. Are you feeling better? I'm glad you are where you can receive the help you deserve. Just focus on getting better. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

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