Trying to bring my parents back together

[TimWake993]

Firstly, I'd like to ask if you know any good sites where i can get answers on this kind of problem, to please tell me about them. Its not that i don't trust the advice I'm receiving here, but I'd like to have as many answers/advice as possible. Thanks.

My parents had a very major fight this morning. They argue from time to time, but its mostly minor stuff and they work it out in a few days. The last time they really considered divorce was 6 years ago, and thankfully they worked through that. This time around though my mom packed her briefcase, took my 2-year old brother with her and went to stay with friends for a few days, leaving me here with my dad and grandmother.

A few hours ago i got a phone call from her, and she explained to me her side of the story. She said she wants to stay with my dad, but she is tired of his attitude. He is constantly in a bad mood, he never has any meaningful talks with her. He screams quite a lot on everyone, even on my baby brother, he mistreats the dog, and he is very rude quite a lot of the time. I don't feel like he is a bad person, he would never think about hurting one of us. I don't really know what's wrong with him, maybe he's just like this because life never really worked out the way he wanted it to for him, maybe its some mental condition such as anger issues, i really got no clue.

I spoke to my dad and he obviously had his own side of the story. He told me he's mad with my mom because she always put her career in front of family. She comes back from work late, and rarely does much around the house (my dad does all the cooking, cleaning, etc.) Because of this he's never had the opportunity to build his own career, because my mom always bossed him around and made him do all the housework and a big portion of the parenting instead of letting him focus on his work.

My mom asked me to have a serious talk with my dad before she comes back, to try and maybe work this out instead of divorcing. But I'm at a complete loss as to how to approach this. Its obviously not my job but they'll never for the life of them go to a marriage counselor, so I feel like I'm the only one who can save them from divorce.

Thanks.

[malign]

Tim, you said it all right there:

Its obviously not my job ...

It is patently unfair for either of your parents to put you in the middle. Of course they both have their sides. But they're the grown-ups (supposedly). They're the ones who are going to have to decide whether or not to talk things over, and that means not talk about their side, but listen to the other person's side.

I know how much you want to help them, for your own sake as well as theirs, but honestly, the best thing you can do is say to each of them, "Sorry guys, you have to work this out between yourselves."

[TimWake993]

But the thing is that at the present time they don't even want to talk to each other. When my mom called me she pretended she was someone from my job so that my dad wouldn't try to drag her into a conversation.

I guess my job is to simply ease the tensions between them, and hopefully make them understand how much pain they're putting me and my brother through.

But i simply don't know how.

[malign]

Tim, honestly,

You don't have any job in your parents' relationship. Your job is to be the kid. You can't make them be adults, if they're not willing.

I'm sorry; I know it makes you feel helpless. But none of us can "make" other people be sensible (that's why you don't know how; it's impossible). About all you can do is to tell them how you feel, at the moment, as openly as you can. They might not hear you, over the noise of their own feelings, but at least you will have tried.

[Jenna520]

I agree whole heartedly with Malign. I'm really sorry for what you are having to be subjected to along with your baby brother. Unfortunately I have been through a divorce myself, with children involved. Honey, what you've got to understand is that none of this was caused by you, you can voice your feelings and state opinions, but only the two adults will be the one to make the final decision. There should not be stories from either side. That's something I don't agree with. YOu just don't bash a child's mother or father and name off a list of their faults to them. That is very hurtful and has to be extremely hard on you. Something else you have to keep in mind is that you DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE A SIDE. You shouldn't even be in the middle of this.

You're old enough to approach them like an adult and state your worries and feelings about the situation, but it's their responsibility to fix what is wrong. If they are too stubborn for therapy, then that's their fault. If their marriage was worth anything to either one of them, they would set their pride aside and go to therapy.

Please, Please, don't ponder on things you can do to "fix" their marriage. Maybe six years ago when you said they almost divorced, they just put a band aide on it and now the band aid is removed and no longer working. Going through the motions of marriage is much easier than actually fixing what's wrong. Perhaps they need some time apart to reflect on things in order to see things clearer.

[TimWake993]

Thanks.

I'll talk with my mom on the phone tomorrow, and i will still tell her the concerns that my dad has with her. And I'll do the same with my dad. I know its not my job, but i just can't sit here and wait and do nothing. Hopefully being away from each other they'll both think it through and be able to have a calm, mature conversation once my mom is back.

I can't explain it but i have a gut feeling that they'll work it out, i just want to make sure i do as much as possible to make it happen. Even though i am 18 and an adult, I'm very attached to both of them and the thought of going through divorce just makes me very depressed.

[Jenna520]

I understand completely. No one wants to see their parents get divorced at any age. I'm 28 years old and before my brother died six months ago, all my dad hollered was that he was going to leave. I grieved about it for years, hearing him say this hurt me beyond words. But then when my brother died, the threats to leave stopped, and I think he realized how much time he has wasted complaining about this and that, that could have been focused on spending with his kids, especially his son, who is now dead. Hang in there, Tim. My thoughts and prayers are with you.