Need Christian Guidence desperately

[Ob1one]

Please Read all of this. I really need you to think about this before answering I'm in dire need of some advice.

For those of you who heard some of my posts for once its not about school. This one is religious and it has been tormenting me deeply. I realized awhile ago that following God was no longer truly out of love and that I started following him by stubbornness. What I mean by that is that I've been holding onto him with all I have and it's been so hard mentally for this.

I don't know how to love God because I don't know how to get emotional anymore. All the emotions I seem to feel now is sadness, depression, hopelessness, fear. It weathers you over time.

I've also been so afraid more then anything, dying. I hold onto this earth so much and I wish I didn't I want to be ready to die in the next five minutes and feel like I've lived a good life and now I'm going to heaven, I'll be fine. I know I'll be fine, my soul knows where it's going, but my heart doesn't know, yet.

All this talk about the earth ending when scientists split some protons and stuff and them saying it won't do anything bad at all, I believe the scientists but its always in the back of my mind. More talk through the Mayans about the earth ending in 2012. Why is the earth all seeming like its falling apart in my time.

Concluding what I'm saying is that I want to learn to trust in God with all my heart and I want to be able to break down within the Lords presence I just don't know how. Please give me some Christian advice on how to beat the fears of death and how to believe more then before. What I can do I just don't know.

I need help more then ever because I feel so alone in this struggle. I need to know how to deal with this. Just the word death makes me majorly depressed. Just thinking about God makes me think about how far I've fallen into self loathing and depression, thinking about God makes me truly see how pathetic I am right now and how much I can grow.

[kaudio]

Good to see you again, Ob1one. As I read your post, one idea came to mind as to how you can love God. You say you are afraid of death as you wish to live your life such that, even in the event that you die in the next five minutes, you can die without regrets. One way to achieve such a state is to ensure that all of your actions...even your thoughts in this case...adhere to the teachings of the Bible, and God. If loving God means demonstrating his teachings, then this can be one way to "love God".

Beyond this idea, I am sure there are many ways to love God. Maybe other members can elaborate since I am not very familiar with Christianity. Also, you can visit your church and ask a priest about it.

Doomsayers have an ugly habit of being wrong so I would not worry very much about the Large Hadron Collider, Mayan theories, or other doomsday theories.

As for your fear of death, is there a particular reason why you are so concerned? As far as I know, people do not accept death willingly. We have evolved thanks to our survival instincts, and I do not think fear of death is unhealthy or undesirable.

I am sorry if this is not the Christian guidance you are looking for, but I do not think it is reasonable to see yourself as pathetic - even if you can grow to something not "pathetic".

[Proverbs31:28]

I read your post earlier but had to step away and come back to it as it really is a difficult thing to answer. First off, God created men in His image but also gave them free will. Otherwise, the fall in the Garden of Eden would never have occurred. Therefore, while it is God's ultimate desire that you love Him, the decision to do so has been left entirely up to you. It almost sounds as though you believe your depression/mental illness has created an unbridgeable chasm between you and God. But this is flawed if you consider the Biblical truth that "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) Since ALL of us are sinners, NONE of us can enter heaven because sin is not allowed in heaven! To enter heaven, we need God's forgiveness which is His gift to us and there is nothing we can do to "earn" God's forgiveness. To believe that one's "flaw" whether it be sin or depression or whatever separates them from God ignores the truth that God's forgiveness is available to everyone, not just a select few. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) But, forgiveness is not an automatic gift ("Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord' shall enter the kingdom of heaven." (Mt 7:21)) Instead, you have to seek His forgiveness by confessing your sins and turning from them. In doing so, you need to turn to God. "If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, then you will be saved." (Romans 10:19) There is no other way described in the Bible to assure yourself of salvation. You say that you know where your soul will go so I assume salvation is already yours. If so, you know you cannot lose it simply because of depression and self-loathing!

So, your initial question is how do you love God in the midst of your depression? My simple answer is that you choose to love Him in the midst of your depression. Just as I choose to love my children even on my worst days. For instance, since Saturday afternoon, I have been battling severe high blood pressure problems. My BP was skyrocketing, I had the most severe headache I have ever had, I was dizzy, nauseous and could not hold my head up for more than a few minutes at a time. For 28 hours I did not move off of the sofa because movement increased the pain. But, at 4:00 I knew my kids would be home from their dad's in an hour. So, I got up and made dinner for them- a few minutes at a time. First I got up and got everything out. Then, I rested. Next, I filled the pot with water and turned on the burner. Then, rested. I stood for a full 15 minutes to cook the ground beef. Then, I rested. It took me an hour but I made them spaghetti and they were able to eat when they got home. HOW did I do this despite my pain, misery and increasing BP? Because, despite my illnesses (mental and physical) I love my children. Caring for their needs is one way to show that love. So, I fought through the pain and ignored what I wanted to do (lie lifelessly on the sofa) to care for them, to show them my love. Even though I could not move off of the sofa for the rest of the night, I helped DD finish her school project due tomorrow; DS laid next to me and I snuggled him- I spent time with them and they could feel loved.

I think the same is true for those of us who call ourselves Children of God. To exhibit our love for God, we seek His will, we spend time with Him (reading Bible and praying), we daily seek to serve Him, we put aside our own selfish desires and we do what God would do for us in the same circumstances- we make sacrifices. Love is, after all, by definition sacrificial if anything! But, as I said at the beginning, it is up to YOU to choose to exhibit that love in your words, deeds, actions and thoughts. God knows you inside and out and He understands your fears, thoughts and depression. He does not judge you on that. So, please don't judge yourself on those criteria!

[Ob1one]

Kaudio, good to see you again too. and yeah your right about what you said and I am thinking about what I can do in those areas of my life, whether it be helping others or just giving things up, so thank you.

Proverbs,

You have got to be one of the wisest men I have ever... read a post from. There is another thing I want to ask you personally though. You see when you say love God like my children or yours etc. I can almost say I don't know how to love him. It's like I try to love him, I want to love him, but I can't understand how to give him the love he deserves. I want to give him my love and I want to be able to just break down in front of him as his child but I don't know how.

Your advice you gave me helped a bit, I just need a little more help and I would really appreciate it.

Also if anyone else also have insight on this I would appreciate that from them also.

Edited November 18, 2008 by Ob1one

[gordian knot]

Ob1one,

Besides believing there is truth in God, people believe in God because they need to know there is someone larger than them who loves them, no matter what happens, and there is someone who is in control of the universe, which can seem so cruel and chaotic sometimes.

If these things are true, and it sounds like you believe they are, then God is much larger, much more loving, and much more capable of loving us than we are capable of loving back. Sometimes that can make us feel really insecure and insignificant, but when we believe a loving God exists, it means we also believe God is much bigger than our own weaknesses and our own mistakes. This means God is strong when we are weak. God is loving, even when we don't feel like we can love. God is accepting, even when we feel unacceptable. God sees past our earthly struggles and views us with eyes that are pure love, and full of more understanding than we have about ourselves or our world. So not only does God love us even when we don't measure up, this means there is no way we can EVER measure up, which means we don't need to expect perfection from ourselves, because God measures up FOR us.

So, when we are feeling weakest, most alone, most unworthy, or just most HUMAN, God says, "You are my child. Come, climb into my lap. Let me wrap my arms around you and tell you a story. Your story. You don't have to do anything to earn this. I've already earned it for you. You don't have to be anyone except who you are, even when it hurts." And all we have to do is just accept it and not worry about how we can be good enough, because it is God who is good enough for both of us! So, when you feel you can't properly love God, that is OK--it just means you are seeing clearly how much bigger God is than we are.

I hope this helps. I need lots of this kind of reassurance as well, from time to time.

Best,

Sean

[SierraGirl]

I've suffered from depression since I was 7 years old. I have to admit that depression can really eat away at anything in our lives, even our faith in God. I hate depression. But I heard one very wise person say, "love is a choice, not a feeling." God made a choice to come down to earth as a man who suffered as we suffer. He loves us so much, He was willing to do that for us. He did the ultimate suffering, by dying on the cross for all of our sins - for all of the ugly things we do to ourselves and other people, so that we will someday go to heaven with Him where there is no more weeping. Reflecting on these truths in the Bible gives me comfort in the midst of my suffering. Some days are better, some days are worse, but God's love for us never change. So, I think that when we make the choice of choosing to meditate on what Jesus did for us and remind ourselves how much He loves us, then our feelings of love for Him blossom. I also write down the many times He obviously helped me in the past.

[sweetcindylouwho]

I am so very grateful to have God in my life. I know for certain I would have killed myself long ago were it not for him.

My life has always been a mess, full of change and chaos. I don't know if I was just born into it (I come from a family riddled with alcoholism and other issues) or how much/how often I have created it. I can honestly say that I am responsible for a great deal of what has occurred, other aspects were my poor responses/reactions to what what being dealt to me.

Amidst the failing of my first marriage - God led me to seek help with 12 step groups. I was raised Catholic, left the faith at age 11 and didn't look back. I was atheistic at some points and agnostic as well. Somehow, as only God can, he wooed me into the 12 step family. First it was Adult Children of Alcoholics, then it was Al-Anon. I had an awesome and incredible sponsor that saved my life. I could barely accept God as greater power and she taught me to accept him as God. I grew immensely and felt that I had the key to so much of what was wrong in my life.

In this time frame I became reacquainted with an old high school chum who lived in the area of Texas that I was at the time and she invited me to church (pentacostal). Now since I was just getting to know God for real, I figured it would be no big deal, but little did I know that she was a front seat sitter in this amazingly Pentacostal church. God struck me down in a very short time and showed me just how deeply and passionately He loved me and how He had the Way and the Truth by which I needed to live. I was what I call RADICALLY SAVED!

A few months later I got divorced and moved back to Western NY for help in raising my 3 small children as this was where I had been born and raised. My faith was challenged on many levels due to poverty - financial and spiritual. God never left my side though, even through my deepest darkest times....

That was in 1995, way before I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (only 2 wks ago!). When I reflect back on all of that and what has transpired, my diagnosis makes so much sense. I have gone through many ups and downs in my spiritual walk along with my life's trials.

I was having more and more frequent episodes of cycling and they were more and more severe. But just like it says in the bible - we have to become abased before we can abound and now GOd has given me another chance to show HIs glory to the world. I am nothing without Him. And during these recent days of such deep despair, the one and only thing that saved my life, and kept me from ending it, was Him, His love for me and the distinct notion that since I have been saved I have clung to the image of living with him and my saved loved ones for eternity. I have read a book about a man who had an experience where God showed him Hell and have read about Hell in the bible and can't bear the thought of dwelling there into eternity if I chose to take my life. Murder is murder, even if it's suicide. If I killed myself there would be no opportunity for redemption, as if I killed someone else and had an opportunity to work thru it with God before by day was up.

Oh, Sierra Girl, I don't know if I was any help....Just continue to look for God each day - everywhere you go, no matter what you do...He will amaze you.

[sweetcindylouwho]

I am new to these on line communities and I put my last post to address Sierra Girl --- hey if it helps ya, great, but I guess I really meant it for whomever started the Thread for Need CHristian GUidance desperately ( I need thread/online community help desperately!)....

Anyway, please excuse my oops...

thanks

[starcher]

I too feel all that you feel. I want to let go of all that I hold on to and live for God with all I have. I just have fallen so far away from Him so it seems, I dont know how to get back. I'm depressed, lonely, scared, and angery. I need help and I don't know who to turn to. I try to pray and my prayers seem to fall to the ground. The same is true when I read my Bible I get littlte and what I get seems to be lost as I walk out the door