7 1/2 months in update

[Willpower]

Thought I'd make another post here in case anyone's been following my story and could use more inspiration or possibly hope. I'm not sure where to start.

Things have been very good in the last 20 days or so. I've kind of mastered that feeling of crushing loneliness that had been really bothering me for several months (and really for the entire last ~7 months). I believe now that one of the strongest facets of that loneliness was actually fear, self-doubt, and not feeling 'accepted' by anyone. Realistically I don't really know if anyone fully 'accepts' me yet, but a level of gracious tolerance and semi-trust by friends has helped a great deal. The greatest help I've had, though, was when a friend started questioning my traits and strengths. She was questioning my ability to raise children (Remember, I'm still a virgin) among other things, and I actually defended myself (just by expressing that I -know- I would be a good father, which I really believe), and somehow through that sprouting of defensiveness I realized I really did believe in myself in just about every way that mattered.

There is another side of all of this that I wasn't really able to fully identify, something I resolved within myself, but I think it came through confidence. I finally felt with absolute certainty that -anyone- that didn't want me in their life was simply missing out, not that I want just anyone in my life either...

The core result is I've been able to enjoy times when I'm completely alone again. Most of my focus has returned (when I'm in the mood). Interestingly, I've also become more aware of how things like tiredness and weather effect my mood, it was something often too nebulous to me before.

I went on another date with a new girl this last week, and soon I'll ask her out a 2nd time (who knows how that will go, but she messaged me immediately after getting home from the date and we chatted a bit, so probably a good sign). She's the most attractive girl I've dated and not to sound like a complete pervert but I would really like to have sex with her.

Yet, I feel a lot more comfortable now with the thought that things may very well not work out. I'm conquering a lot of fears, to the extent that when I feel afraid I really look hard at what I'm afraid of and most of the time it's not rational, it's just something I haven't done before. Sometimes it takes a while, I took a multiple mile walk the other day and was able to resolve pre-date anxieties by realizing nothing that I was afraid of really made much sense. So if I'm afraid of something, that usually means I should do it.

In more practical matters I've continued to lose weight, I've lost over 100 lbs so far, and I continue to gain strength (in my workout today I did more reps of various exercises than I've ever done before). Also, in a recent 2 mile jog during a warmer day I timed myself several minutes faster than ever before. I had a full physical a month back and the doctor was extremely happy with my progress. In some ways I am already very fit.

Next up for me is to get my GED, finally, I believe. I haven't made my final decision but I think I'll take some lessons to see where I stand and make up the difference in what I've forgotten since high school. "Problem" is that these lessons last 2 months and happen regularly within the week, and I already have important events to attend during some of those times, but I think I'll go through with it anyways, learn to manage that balance of time and make up the difference when I miss a lesson.

There's really a lot more going on lately with me, but those are the core bits. I know I'm leaving out a lot of important details, but I'd have to write a novel to really go through every detail, and that's not even necessary. If you want to ask me -anything- about -anything- go right ahead.

[IrmaJean]

Great job on your self-awareness and healing, Willpower! You are working very hard to help yourself and this is wonderful. Your positive attitude is an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your progress with us. Best of luck on your continued healing and growth.