Overload

[Jenna520]

I'm not sure where to start. So many things have happened that have pushed me farther and farther into my shell, and left me numb. I honestly can't feel any emotions, however at random times, tears well up in my eyes and start to flow. I don't sob, they just run down my face. I don't feel good emotions, or negative ones. I do know that my mind is scattered.

Dad is in critical condition at the hospital as we speak. He was scheduled for a defibulator but he started running a temperature the day before the surgery. Turns out the pneumonia he's been struggling with has not improved even though he's had two rounds of antibiotics. His lungs are full of fluid, which they will draw off this morning. I understand that everyone has to die at some point, but I still consider my dad fairly young being 55. I just never thought I'd be faced with this so soon. God knows Charlie's death has haunted me for almost 8 months. Without the defibulator, he has 1-3 years... with the defibulator- he has 1-6 years. According to doctors, the heart failure started about two weeks after my brother died when my dad went to the ER for chest pains. At that time, they diagnosed it as anxiety related to my brother's death.

I've always been a Daddy's girl. It's obvious that me and my mother do not get along but that's mainly because of the suspected mental illness that she does not seek treatment for. I try to have patience with her, but sometimes I do honestly wonder if it's a mental illness or if she's just that mean. I can't rely on her to get accurate updates on my Dad's condition, and I can't go to the hospital to see him because I don't have a baby sitter and they don't allow my children back there due to risk of exposing him to the flu. I have so much to say to him, yet I can't find the words. I feel like I'm running. I feel like I'm in shock. Dad is not the easiest person to talk to, but I don't want to live the rest of my life regretting I never told him one last time how much I love him, and how much I appreciate him as a father. I live everyday regretting I never told my brother I loved him during our last phone conversation because he was in a hurry to get back to work. That was our last phone call... I kick myself in the ass for that every second of the day.

My depression is extreme, my anxiety is maxed out, I'm numb, I'm sick, my back is out, I'm scared, I'm alone, I'm fearful, and though my head is numb, I'm so pissed at Charlie for leaving me here to deal with this alone.

I'm overloaded, my brain has short circuited, and my heart is crushed. Lord help me be strong.

[IrmaJean]

Jenna, I'm sorry for your pain and sadness. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Dad is not the easiest person to talk to' date=' but I don't want to live the rest of my life regretting I never told him one last time how much I love him, and how much I appreciate him as a father.[/quote']

I hear you. This is what happened with me when my mother passed away. I was living in Florida at the time and she was in NY when she died. I never told her those things or had a last conversation. I hope you will be able to express yourself to him. I know it can be difficult, but you'll be doing it for yourself as well. 55 is very young. I hope that he recovers and has more time to spend with his family.

I'm here and listening, Jenna. Take gentle care of yourself.