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Warning: long post and background info

Hi, I’m Matt, I’m 17. I think I have sexuality OCD.

My dad has an OCD, but not of this nature, so it could come from that? What I think was my first experience of this so so OCD was when I was in year 6 (10-11 years old), I obsessed violently over if I fancied a girl or not, if I looked at a girl-I Fancied her. I’d obsess and obsess and it would always be on my mind and ruined my quality of life, it would depress me and sometimes I’d cry. Once I stopped obsessing over if I fancied one girl, it would be the next girl I merely looked at it. Endless cycle really.

Now this obsessing turned to “am I gay” in year 7 (11-12 years old). Everyone else had had a girlfriend and I hadn’t, I was still scared of girls, people picked up on this and started teasing me because they thought I was gay, it worried me and I obsessed for a bit. At this age I hadn’t started masturbating I don’t think but I got erection over pictures of naked women/women in movies and when I started masturbating it was over this. Though after a bad day of being teased I wanted to see if I was gay by thinking about a man and see if I got an erection, I was more thinking “don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection” than actually about a man, but I think I got a semi (I was in the car at the time) but this was so long ago and only recently recalled that I don’t know if I did, but I obsessed over it and at the time I think it passed from thought quite quickly.

Year 8 nothing really happened. But I obsessed over a girl on a school trip and quite enjoyed it.

Year 9 the thoughts came back again, this was due to being introduced into a new friend group and there being some awkwardness, especially with one person (let’s say Jimi), so I thought “fuck do I fancy him then?” this soon passed and we were just friends. This year I started to get erection over girls in class/ accept that I liked/wanted to be with some girls. Got asked out by one girl who was a friend, didn’t really liked it, scared me ;).

Year 10. I went after my first girl, failed, eventually went into a relationship with another

one, first sexual encounters, everything but sex, I loved it.

Year 11 got off with girls frequently on nights out etc. throughout this year and 10 any thoughts/doubts about being gay were short-lived.

Now 6th form, I start chatting to this girl we just clicked immediately and soon enough we’re in a relationship, and still are, I’d say my first proper ‘in love’ relationship. I have an amazing girlfriend who I have told most of this too and she’s so understanding and supportive, I Love her.

In the last month or so, my “am I gay” thoughts have come back, 99999999999x worse than ever, I think it’s because I have a girlfriend and being gay would mean losing her so I obsess over it. I can’t remember how it exactly came back around though. The thoughts “you fancy him” “you love men” “you’d fuck him” are constant and bring me down so much. This ‘OCD’ (?) has hit me hard and makes me anxious, if I see a man on a ‘bad’ day I get a feeling in my stomach or even if someone says the word “gay” I get a feeling in my stomach, but not an ‘in love’ feeling more of an awkward one I suppose. I obsessed over the holidays over my sexuality, when I got back to school first lesson I was thinking about it hard and the thought came about “well I don’t fancy any of my friends” and I had flashback to thinking I fancied Jimi in year 9 (as previously mentioned) then Jimi walked into the room and I got that feeling in my stomach, I felt like crying there and then. The thoughts rolled in how I thought I fancied him but they died out as I realised I only think that when I’m obsessing and not with him, we’re just cool when together, though he is a dull awkward person if I’m honest so can be awkward. I also now seem to get a feeling “down there” which I didn’t have before this obsessing when I look at men sometimes, it doesn’t cause any discharge/growth in my penis, if anything it gets smaller, but it still happens, it also sometimes happen over the word ’ gay’ and it does seems to happen randomly too on a few occasions even girls.

Now I have had no problems with getting an erection with my girlfriend, until recently when I obsess “If I don’t get a boner I am gay” so I just panic and thus, don’t get an erection, this happened in her car the other day, I explained to her and she was fine and supportive. Last night I didn’t obsess/ worry about it and we had sex two times in an hour. Although the not getting erection/not fully hard still causes arguments in my head. I had never had an erection over a man apart from previously mentioned, after I read about sexuality OCD it was a relief and I felt happy, but then that night I was with a friend and she mentioned Jimi as she was getting ready (so I was bored shitless) then the unwanted thoughts came into my head and I felt that feeling “down there” I went to the bathroom, pulled my trousers down, looked in mirror, my penis was pretty much normal, so I thought “ rights lets end this” I stared in the mirror and thought thoughts about Jimi along with “please don’t get an erection” after a while of staring, hoping and thinking my penis eventually grew slightly, it was enough to send me off the rails. Since then I’ve been doing ‘tests’ of sorts, conclusion is fantasies about girls=erection most of time, fantasies about men=no erection, if have erection then think about men=goes soft. But nothing ever seems to satisfy/put me at ease about it.

They say dreams are you subconscious sending you messages or whatever. I only dream in a sexual way about girls (don’t tell my girlfriend :o) quite frequently, for example the other day I was worried I found a friend’s (she’s a girl) boyfriend sexually attractive, I worried and worried, that night I dreamed about getting on her. Same sleep different dream I was with my girlfriend. Another thing is when you’re drunk, I now love being drunk my confidence is restored and I don’t get all the shit in my head when sober, I’m just like “GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS” and they say the truth comes out when you’re drunk? I woke up one morning not knowing what happened night before, and I was worried I got off with a guy/ told someone I was gay, turned out I got off with 4 girls. Still not at ease.

As time goes on the less I feel like I can even look at a guy without awkwardness/arguments in my head, or even looking at a girl without ‘am I gay’ thoughts, I don’t ‘check boys out’ like that or have ever had romantic feeling towards one/urges to kiss a boy. I have nothing against gay people but I really don’t want to be gay, some of my favourite tv personalities are gay and I find it hard to watch them now due to that fact, the ugliest man in the world could be gay and I’d find it awkward/ feeling in stomach, it’s slowly tearing me apart, and I feel guilty for my girlfriend with these thoughts, but she’s amazing and supportive, I’m also angry at myself as I feel like I’ve “caved in” mentally.

Is this OCD or am I just a gay in denial? Is it right to say the more you think/worry about something, the more real it becomes? I’ve tried to rationally think I may be bi-sexual but in my head it’s like “that’s on step closer to being gay”. Please help, I jsut want it to go away.

Either way I’m going to the doctors tomorrow to hopefully get anti-depressants/therapy. Im going on 2 holidays with my girlfriend in the next 2 months, I’m hoping it will clear my head, and I know I’ll have a great time anyway with her :o

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My opinion won't do you any good, but I'll give it to you anyway: I don't think you're gay.

Now, I can't give you a diagnosis, but I hope you mention your concerns to your doctor. It won't help to give you anti-depressants if you're not depressed, and conversely, treating whatever it is that you do have would probably clear up the depression, if it's something else.

Let us know how it goes.

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I also do not believe you are gay by any means. I think you're just obsessing over the thoughts you had when you were young, and kids bullying you. Those thoughts are still with you today, and that's completely normal. Talking to a therapist, and getting these feelings out could definitely help you at least quit obsessing SO much over the gay thoughts. :]

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I'm not homophobic, as i said, some of my favourite tv personalities are gay. if i were gay i'd not feel right, as it don't believe it's part of me. thanks for the other replies, i went to doctors and talked about it and im starting therapy soon, also i've read a few supportive articles that have really helped, i've been happier over the last week or so, so it's good progress :)

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