Confused with who I am (OCD)

[confusedboy16]

I've hit a mega bad patch. I'm beginning to think I'm a psychopath again! I can't get it out of my head. I watched the film 'We Need To Talk About Kevin' earlier and that started it off! I think I am because I've done so many things that I think are bad - like steal. I'm addicted to buying CDs, and I have no income of my own so I buy them on my parents cards. They don't mind to an extent but it's getting too much. I seem to have litre remorse at the moment. I'm worried this will develop into something a lot worse.

I used to think of myself as a socialist, but at the moment I feel incredibly selfish. My whole life evolves around music, I'm music mad! Mainly soul music. And I have to little enjoyment around music anymore. I hate it when other people know and listen to the music I do, it's like I get jealous! But I used to hate jealousy. I keep hating on mainstream music. Even mainstream music that's good, and that I loved before - like Sade. I look at the statistics of sales like 2 million per album and I feel really small. And my mind tells me because she's sold so many albums it's bad - because everyone knows her, etc. I'm fucking sick of thinking like this. I want to be able to enjoy music for what it is! Regardless of it's commerciality. Don't get me wrong, I'll never be able to appreciate people like Gaga, etc. but I want to be able to appreciate people like Adele, John Legend, etc...

People think I'm mad but up unil now my whole life has literally evolved around music, I want to work in music swell.

The whole think about not liking it when an artist I love goes mainstream is getting to me! It's stopping me like new artists, I worry about them becoming popular. It's making me bitter! I HATE IT!

I feel so dead at the moment. My emotions are weak. I feel nothing but lethargy.

I've given up with college, hardly ever see my friends. I feel like someones in my mind controlling me, and preventing me from feeling, MUSIC made me cry before, now I just think about all this shit!

I don't even know if this is just me or down to my OCD. PLEASE TRY AND HELP!

I'm sorry this is so long and confusing!

Also, I feel quite angry at the state of the world, etc. but I question whether I really care about other people. I used to, I used to want to work in activism, for anti war, or something! I FEEL DEAD!

Nathan,

ConfusedBoy16.

[confusedboy16]

Someone please reply...

[IrmaJean]

I'm listening CB. I'm sorry things are so tough.

[devils daughter]

I’m here, too, CB. Discovering or figuring out you are can be a real challenge, sometimes a lifetime challenge. I wonder, is there any way you can talk to either of your parents about some of the things you are worrying about? It sounds to me like maybe you are having an identity crisis. Not uncommon in adolescence but if we don’t or can’t find a way to resolve it well then, it can come back to haunt us later. Feeling dead is not what anybody wants, certainly not at 16.

I’m in my sixties, was in a mental hospital with anorexia nervosa when I was 16, got over that, then did fairly well (at least on the outside), married (to a wonderful man who was relatively unique), had 2 children, then my husband died and I fell apart. Into pieces.

There’s a piece of me that cares about nobody but itself/me. And another part that is vengeful and I feel like she is sadistic. I’m still very, very scared of that part. But my therapist has said that although those parts may not be good to other people, they are there to protect me. They probably developed when I was a young child in a dysfunctional family. My task now is to accept them and appreciate them for what they are trying to do for me (even though when they act out they don’t care about other people, which can be a problem for my relationships, to say the least). I wonder if something like that may be going on with you, so that you worry about being a psychopath? If you really were, then you wouldn’t be concerned about it.

The fact is, as you are no doubt finding out, that life can just be tough. I wish it were otherwise but it doesn’t seem to be. It can get better. But sometimes we do need other people’s help. Internet is great in some ways but I think we need others in person, too.