Mr. Encyclopedia Posted March 21, 2012 Report Posted March 21, 2012 I have been having issues coping with a profound fear of sex. I have never had sex but I was sexually abused when I was a child, an issue that I am dealing with a therapist whom specializes in trauma. No matter what the context the thought or images of sex can send me into a downhill spiral of anxiety and fear to a point that I can have a panic attack. It is my worst fear. I have little experience with relationships, love, intimacy, sex, and socializing. Being autistic, it can be painfully difficult to find others able to accept me, therefore I have spent a vast majority of my life alone working on my unique interests. A few months ago I came across pornographic videos online and was horribly disturbed by what I saw; it looks barbaric to me. How could I do that to a woman? Nor do I understand the thought process behind it. I love someone so I want to violate them? I don’t see the connection. It seems like such a horrible thing to do! And those videos have been ingrained into my photographic memory. I’ve tried asking others about this but nobody seems to understand me. There are almost no resources online for me about this. I see sex as being vulnerable, exposed, and violated. Can anyone offer me some advice? Quote
IrmaJean Posted March 22, 2012 Report Posted March 22, 2012 Hi, Mr. Encyclopedia. I'm sorry that you are struggling with this. I'm sorry that you were hurt as a child. It's good that you are working with a therapist who specializes in trauma. No matter what the context the thought or images of sex can send me into a downhill spiral of anxiety and fear to a point that I can have a panic attack. It is my worst fear.I can understand how you would feel this way after being abused as a child. I hope you and your therapist can work together and that you find the path to healing. How could I do that to a woman? Nor do I understand the thought process behind it. I love someone so I want to violate them? I don’t see the connection.I would not think of pornography as an accurate depiction of a loving' date=' caring relationship. Because you were not protected as a child, I can understand how you would see all sex acts as being violations. This might be a place to do some work in therapy. In a loving, caring relationship where both partners respect one another, sex can be a shared expression of affection and love. When you love and care for someone, respect both yourself and your loved one, wish to share yourself with the person you love and they feel the same way, it isn't a violation. The key being that the adults involved equally consent to the act.I see sex as being vulnerable' date=' exposed, and violated.[/quote']I'm sorry that you were abused a child. It may be difficult for you to see at this time, but sex can be a beautiful act. I think so, anyhow. As an adult, you are able to consent to this with your partner. It does involve being vulnerable, but this also can be quite beautiful if it is respected. You take gentle care with your partner's vulnerability and they take gentle care with yours. I hope with your therapist's help you can find your way to this with a person you love and who loves you. Take care, Mr. Encyclopedia. Quote
Mr. Encyclopedia Posted March 24, 2012 Author Report Posted March 24, 2012 Thank you for such a supportive and kind post, IrmaJean . It is uncommon for me to be able to discuss this subject online within a respectful environment. To be honest I have little experience seeing or being around others that are in relationships based on trust and respect regardless of the kind of relationship. Interpersonal relationships have always seemed abusive and all about power and selfishness to me. I’ve seen so few, if any, relationships between adults that didn’t fit this description. My parents certainly did not seem loving to me. They insulted, beat, and abused each other all the time, and my extended family is not much different. Relationships have always seemed like dictatorships whereby there is a clear power hierarchy and you’re expected to obey that person, while there is a constant undeclared war to break the other and take control for yourself. I’ve always felt like the rule of relationships was that I am expected to bow to a female in a relationship and devote everything to her. Friendships aren’t immune from this, either. My friends never cared about how I felt and they never listened to me. Now I have one close friend whom is an Internet friend in the United States that I met once in Montana that treats me with such kindness and love that I am totally taken aback and am unsure of what to make of it. I’m only now learning what ‘friendship’ is. Sex is bizarre to me. I don’t think I have ever witnessed or otherwise known of a relationship where there was consent, respect, kindness, and gentleness with each other. Quote
trialbylife Posted May 21, 2013 Report Posted May 21, 2013 Sex is bizarre to me. I don’t think I have ever witnessed or otherwise known of a relationship where there was consent, respect, kindness, and gentleness with each other.To your first point about sex being bizarre to you. Obviously the fact there are 7 billion of us is due sex and those who refrain from having children simply assist in reducing the population boom right now. However it is more than that as you know. It is about your second point where we seek love and validation for being loved in both sexless and then potentially intimate ways.I think I was about 13 when, having never kissed a girl, was overwhelmed with awe and trepidation as her lips neared mine. Painfully shy! She , within a minute or two, briskly moved aside and declared, "Come back in a few years."That pain I felt stayed with me for decades. Not the pain of rejection but the pain of rejection on top of the shyness. Something was cumulative about this so that not only wasn't I helped overcome my shyness but now there was this added layer of increasing fear surrounding that feature of my life.It also taught me there is desire, expectation and frustration if one cannot deliver whatever they anticipate in unstated ways that you can't otherwise know about without having accomplished. A double bind. You can't if you haven't already. This works destruction upon the psyche and any normalised development one might otherwise take in your stride. But also there is then the issue of ones own sexual progress as a human and that potential to enjoy an element of life others take for granted? How do you feel about that? Do you just not feel it? Or is it a flight response you feel to that prospect, due the previous very bad vibes it gave you? I'm wondering if your physiology has been overridden by some C-PTSD at that element of you, or whether in fact you are a very healthy asexual person (psychologically untroubled by the need for sex and biologically able to forego this with no real anxiety about it)?So I'm asking you, is the fact that you don't like the idea of sex an anxiety to you? And also is the lack of sex in your life an issue you feel bad about, or are you very happy to have a life without this? How do you feel about life? And is sex just not a factor you are troubled by? Quote
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