Figuring out if I was molested (trigger warning)

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Why is it important for me to know if I was molested by family and relatives? So I can understand more about my family dynamic and decide whether it really is the best for me to leave. I have been away from my family members for months, and the longer I stay away from them, the more disgusted I become with them. Whenever I see them, I get "triggered" and feel messed up for days. I do not want to see them anymore. I am in a situation where I may have to see them again due to my braces (I have my orthodontist here), but I really, really do not want to. I get insomnia and cry at night because I feel so frustrated, confused, terrified.

Anyway, I have always liked violent sex. I think it says a lot about my foggy past and I would like to analyze it.

Since I was really young, I was very sexual. I don't mean this in a "boys will be boys" way, I mean in the "how did a child know such thing at such age or acquire such taste" way.

It is not normal for five year old to be fantasizing about violent sex. I began masturbating during kindergarten and I knew what BDSM was. How did a 5 year old know that?

After puberty, pretty much any strong emotion aroused me. Anger aroused me, and feeling hurt, ignored, or betrayed aroused me a bit too. When someone was violent with me and hit me, or made fun of me and made me cry, I was really aroused. Somehow I was never aroused when my own family members abused me.

My whole life, and even now whenever I am around relatives, I have tried to make myself as ugly. I purposely look for ugly clothes and have messy hair around family. It's because I don't feel comfortable being remotely attractive, I feel uncomfortable.

I pondered about these things long ago, and I came to a conclusion that it was possible for me to have been sexually abused in the past. I have always felt sexually uncomfortable around family members. They tell me lewd things anyway.

If not physical abuse, at least definite emotional incest.

http://joy2meu.com/emotional_incest.htm

This is exactly what happen to me: http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=7936

[malign]

I don't see anything wrong with exploring these feelings with a professional. It would be important to keep an open mind, though. No one really knows why you felt the way you did, as a child (except you, to the extent you might be able to remember).

And, it seems more important to deal with how you want to feel, from now on. I see it as less important why you feel arousal in certain situations than to decide in what way you want to express sexuality. I see a parallel between sexual arousal and anger: either way, it's something you feel, and either way, it's up to you to decide how to act on the feeling.

Like most of the questions here, it comes down to, who do you want to be?

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I don't mind my masochist nature, but I don't think it's as "normal" as BDSM people make it out to be either (for me). I accept what I ended up as (a masochist).

You ask some hard questions. I don't know what to say. Who do I want to be? As anything I end up as.

What do I want to do? Get away from the people who hurt me (my family).

[malign]

Only the hard questions are worth answering. :-)

Sounds to me as if you came up with at least one goal (not being in a place where you hurt.) Is that something you can work towards? Then, whether you find out about molestation or not, you'd at least be in a less painful place.

[JaiJai]

I think its harder than just a simple "who do u want to be?" When its your deepest, core attraction, it feels like a natural, inherant part of you. The confines of societies values tell you whether or not your attraction is acceptable or deviant. Did telling gay people that "being gay is a choice" change their sexual orientation because they chose to behave as a heterosexual person? There is a mountain of research that suggests that often, childhood experiences, play a role in sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is typically not thought of as an attraction that can be undone. And based on how ingrained these deviant attractions feel, perhaps they too, whether or not they are acted upon, are still at the core of their sexuality. And trying to change your attractions is as futile as a gay guy trying live as is if he were straight,,, it creates unbearable cognitive dissonance, and this internal conflict may be the true source associated with internal conflict

[malign]

Yeah, I never said it was easy to live by the answer to "who do you want to be?" Definitely, having to hide being gay in a disapproving society, to use your example, would be difficult. All I was saying was that it's not an improvement to pretend to yourself that you're straight when you're actually gay. At least a person should know who they want to be, even if the world disapproves or prevents the full expression of that.

I also agree that much of sexuality is formed in childhood, and can be distorted by molestation of any kind (same gender, different gender, same age, different age, forcible or otherwise.) I have no knowledge of whether such changes can be undone, or even if that question has any meaning. I do agree that value judgments don't belong in the discussion, however. And I understand that I may not be an "average" human in our society.

The comparison to anger, though, still holds. There may be all sorts of things that trigger one's desire. We still have to temper that desire by other considerations, especially the possible harm to others, but also the possible harm to ourselves.

So, for instance, it may be exciting to be degraded by someone else, but is it healthy? Does it help one grow? The decision about viewing porn is similar. Even when one can argue that no one was harmed in the making of it (and sometimes, for at least some kinds of porn, one simply can't argue that), what harm does it do to the viewer? Maybe none; maybe it depends on the viewer. But if one finds that viewing porn is altering one's view of sex in general and one's sexual partners in particular, then it might make sense to decide not to use it even though it's stimulating.

We don't choose our feelings, or in my opinion our orientations. We do choose how we express our feelings.

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I don't care how I 'express' my sexuality or whether it's circumstantial or inherent. It can be ANYTHING at this point. "What should I do about my sexuality" is not the point here.

As my topic title said, I am trying to figure out if I was molested based on some things about me, and I just found my violent and precocious sexuality to be a potentially strong proof of what happen in the past. Yes there is psychotherapy to help me figure that out, but how does that work? It's basically me telling a person what I *think* and then that person basically guessing (though educated) whether or not I was molested based on his or her training and reading. I guess we are guessing here too, but maybe you guys know about it due to similar experiences.

Here's more info about me: I did come from an abusive family where my parents lived apart and basically hated each other. I think I was emotionally my mom's surrogate for my dad because she would take me with her to traveling and other things while she left my older sibling besides. I was basically Paris Hilton's chihuahua to her. I am tired to write at the moment, I will write more tomorrow....

[JaiJai]

Some therapists flat out say that its not important to remember. That very little 'good' comes from trying to dredge up old memories, or possibly even memories that dont exist. Instead they choose to focus on the current disfunction and the impact that its having on your life now, to make healthy choices for yourself.

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My extended family keeps telling me that I have issues for getting away from my family, and that the adults within the extended family have done nothing wrong to me. They tell me that I have no reason to stay away from them and that I am merely imagining things. They tell me that I am making things up. But how am I making things up, and how can I know? I am pretty sure my disgust with my family members and my excessive fear of incest doesn't just pop out of no where.

If I wasn't molested, doesn't that just make me an overly dramatic person who hurts people who didn't hurt me? Doesn't that mean I should just shut up and bear it? And if I get PTSD triggers from being with my family, it's because of my own problems and not what happen to me?

I am not sure if I should try to mend my relationship with my family as it never worked in the past, why should it work tomorrow? What am I to gain by mending my relationship with my family? I don't know, but I know that I am pretty disgusted with them.

The only reason why I bear with my family is for the financial support and I am thinking of cutting that off too because I really can't bear it.

[JaiJai]

Well, i would think you would want to have more than an inclination before you say something that may have devastating ramifications for you and your family.

Perhaps keep these ideas to yourself and explore them further with a therapist before you open a can of worms that can't be closed.

you could also discuss ways you might be able to work on your family relationships with a therapist. Cus, at least at this point, you dont know if there was something innapropriate, but you do know, good or bad, it's unlikely you will be able to completely sever ties with your family.

Might as well make it as good as it can be. So (it always pains me to say this) at least talk to a therapist dude.

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Should have cleared things up. I never told them about sexual molestation or anything. The reason I got away was because they were trying to take me to another country where I knew I would never return, and I wanted to go to college instead. And I was getting physically assaulted at home.

My relatives know how abusive my parents are and even trash talk them in front of me, but then they got angry because I said I don't want to visit them. They got angry because they're all about image. When I refused to talk to my family members, the relatives sent me angry emails and told me to get out of their lives, but then they tell me I am the one who is crazy and pushing everyone away.

I do talk to a therapist at the moment, told everything to my therapist.

[JaiJai]

yikes...sounds like a gong show! Well, I think your doing the sound and reasonable thing. Hopefully the therapist can provide some direction in regards to dealing with your family.

[Esruc]

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