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My Daughter, His Trigger

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So it would appear that my 20 y/o daughter and mother of my 1st and only grandchild is the trigger for most of the issues for the man I live with. How does one deal with that?

The way I see it there are only a few unworkable options.

1- My daughter comes and goes at her liesure and/or mine allowing me to see my grand daughter and disregarding any problems that may arise from the simple existence of a functional/loving relationship

2- I disregard my own feelings and the needs of my daughter and grand daughter and see them when I can someplace else

3- I spend all my time and energy trying to predict his incredibly flexible schedule then throw my child & grandchild out the back door when he gets home

Any other suggestions?

Edited by frazzled1
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This must be a very stressful and sad situation for you, frazzled. Does it help to discuss any of this with him? Is he willing to do that? Does he try to manage his emotions? You should be able to enjoy the company of your child and grandchild. I would imagine visits are a special time for them as well.

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Sorry Irma he really won't discuss anything because there is nothing wrong with him. The fault is all with me because I refuse to see what an evil witch my daughter is.

There is no way to change the perception of someone if one of their perceptions is that you are trying to make them think that they are crazy and the reasoning behind it is their detriment or your personal gain.

It rots!!!

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If I were in your shoes, which sounds like a rotten place to be, and granted, this stuff is always easier said than done... is stick to the facts..

a)-this is your daughter and they, (she and your grandaughter), have your permission to be there. (when your home, of course)

:P-u love your husband, but your daughters visits are not open to discussion (unless of course u and your husband have arrangements of some kind).

In fact, it would likely help, to have a set time during the day that is visitor free, so your husband doesnt feel like he's walking on egg shells all day because your daughter could show up at any time. Say, for example, in the evenings after dinner. That gives your daughter all day to work in visits, and it leaves your evenings available for time with your husband and other social or domestic activities.

c)- discuss with your husband what your plan is- modify it, if he is open to compromise, and then after that, completely ignore any hostility from him in regards to your daughter. Let him rant, flip out, whatever, but carry on as if he is but a whisper in the wind. That could go for any topic really. Its gonna REALLY piss him off at first, but as weeks wear on, and you don't acknowledge him unless he is speaking respectfully, dollars to donuts he'll pull it together so at least he is given some satisfaction of your response or reaction.

d)- Also, if your daughter is over visiting, she should be nothing but respectful to him-pleasant and polite (she needs to agree to that also) as it is also his home, and she is a guest. If he is beligerant to her, she should also ignore him, and turn her attention to visiting with you. If he's angry and volatile, both of you have to completely ignore him. He'll either stay there and be a jerk (u still have to ignore him) or eventually vacate the area.

If your daughter isnt respectful of him, you'll have to say 'sorry sweetie, we'll have to say goodbye for now." Despite what your husband says or does, your daughters job is to ignore him if he's rude or angry, and be polite for all other interactions. She cant "get into it" with him at all.

youve made a compromise, and youve set boundaries around both of their behaviours. Now you have the tricky job of relentlessly enforcing those boundaries. Relentlessly means-dont budge an inch for many months. at least 6. Hopefully your vigilance will pay off and be rewarded with a workable platform of mutual respect to build from.

its not an easy task, but hopefully it may be one that has some lasting results.

However you choose to handle it, good luck!


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Thank you for the suggestions Jai but I don't think they have much chance of being effective. He does not have a schedule he works when he wants and comes home several x a day or not at all and my daughter works at a place that has scheduling problems so she doesn't always know when she will visit. She only comes once or twice a week and like the 2 faced paranoid jerk that he behaves like, sometimes he has nothing bad to say but when he does OMG I feel like storm shutters would be a good investment. I really don't know what it is that sets him off but my daughter is young and spirited, she will be repectful and she will ignore him only to a point and then it hits the fan and somehow I catch ALL the crossfire.

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Dude...the terrible schedule thing is the whole point. No matter what their schedules are, you need to set boundaries. Pretend they're 5. If your daughter cant come during the day...tough. Then she'll have to come another time. If your husband is home during the day when she does come- he can either suck it up, or go elsewhere. Its not a matter of trying to have them avoid each other (though, knowing when the other may be around should help with that) its a matter of setting boundaries around their behaviours, and finding a way to share some space in each others lives.

Hopefully, you'll take some sort of step before one or the other decides its not worth the trouble of being around at all. In my family it took losing someone to an illness to realize our petty squabbles were truly insignificant.

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I get what you are saying Jai and it is sound advice but let me give you a scenerio...

Daughter=D and H=Him

D is here from 2:30 then H gets home at 3. If I forgot to make a phone call (even if he never asked me to make one), for something, then it is because I "have been shoved up her ass all day." If my sons bus comes early (3:35 instead of 3:45) and he has to walk a half a block home by himself it's because I "don't care about the child who needs to be cared for I am far too busy tring to act like a teenager/a 20 y/o." But he is selective about who is around when he behaves this way.

I do ignore him mostly because it's stupid. I know who I am and I know that I love all of my children (even the grown ones) and my priorities are fine. However, sometimes he just doesn't know when to quit. He goes on and on and on about how I need to leave H with our/my son and go live with her and how I am a worthless human being and a piece of sh%t and what a bully and control freak I am. Regardless of the applicability of these statements, it does get to be too much 20-30 minutes into his rant.

That is what usually sets my daughter off (when she is here) and me (when she is not). We don't say shut up in this house (not my rule) and I respect that but I just want to tell him to shut the F up. Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!!! I have tried asking what he gets out of tearing others down or what it is that she has done so wrong to him to make him behave this way and that just started more ranting so I am just here muddling through best I can.

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