I think I've become schizophrenic

[AnonUser]

I've had two very intense panic attacks two days in a row now. These panic attacks have been centered around my fear of "becoming insane". However, in my case this fear was more -- at least in these two panic attacks -- centered around a fear of becoming schizophrenic; as in a fear of losing my self. I've had these fears, amongst a lot of other fears, since my childhood (see my previous thread for clarification.).

To go in details about my current experience: It's like I am two people - the "I am", being the literal me; and the "robotic" I, which is the unconscious I.

It's like I am watching myself act, not in the way that I am doing things which I would normally not do, but in the way that I feel like I am watching myself.

It also feels like there's two minds inside me, although I KNOW I am I - or "I am myself".

My thoughts seem to be very unfocused, and my overall ability to respond seems a bit slower - from my own observation.

I guess to summarize my current feeling: it's like my mind is split.

Also, I keep moving from the "I": the self focused, to the feeling of being two.

I'm a bit scared of going to sleep, fearing that I'll have another one of these gruesome panic attacks.

Edit. This is a bit embarrassing, and I suppose a bit ironic to my current situation: that smiley icon I chose doesn't really match up with the thread; as stated I am very tired..

Edited April 6, 2012 by AnonUser

[frazzled1]

You can smile and not really be happy:)

When you get this feeling of duality, have you ever tried creating sensations? I mean maybe (if you haven't), you could try. You have 5 senses. If you go through them systematically then you might find a grounding feeling. You could start simple like rubbing a soft blanket, a pet or cuddly stuffed toy. Then look at a busy picture or one that is not quite focused. Ring a bell, shake a box of cereal, pet food, pasta. Spray your favorite air freshener or perfume/cologne or light a scented candle. Nibble something sweet like a berry or melon or even a sweetened cereal or maybe something sour.

Sensory stimulation uses a bit of brain energy and it helps us to focus on our own state of being. If this being is dual then maybe stimulating the container will bring the contents together.

Do you think this might help?

I hope so.

Good Luck:)

[AnonUser]

You can smile and not really be happy:)

When you get this feeling of duality, have you ever tried creating sensations? I mean maybe (if you haven't), you could try. You have 5 senses. If you go through them systematically then you might find a grounding feeling. You could start simple like rubbing a soft blanket, a pet or cuddly stuffed toy. Then look at a busy picture or one that is not quite focused. Ring a bell, shake a box of cereal, pet food, pasta. Spray your favorite air freshener or perfume/cologne or light a scented candle. Nibble something sweet like a berry or melon or even a sweetened cereal or maybe something sour.

Sensory stimulation uses a bit of brain energy and it helps us to focus on our own state of being. If this being is dual then maybe stimulating the container will bring the contents together.

Do you think this might help?

I hope so.

Good Luck:)

Yes, this is definitely true. I just wrote a long example on Creationism, and as my mind was focusing on this particular thing, I felt perfectly normal.

I've also been playing a heavy amount of computer games lately to escape the sensation that the panic attack produced. Playing games or really thinking heavily helps to remove it, but I fear that it will come back.

It should also be mentioned that I VERY rarely have these types of panic attacks, but when I do they're pretty tough to handle and get away from. I've never personally experienced a panic attack last two days in a row, but I guess everything has to be at sometime in ones life.

Thanks for your reply.

[malign]

If I had to venture an unprofessional guess? ... The ability to feel panic about the possibility of being schizophrenic would argue against you actually being schizophrenic.

Now, that doesn't directly help the panic, but ... is it possible that you're worrying obsessively about one illness to the extent of giving yourself a different one?

I'm afraid I haven't kept up with what your treatment situation is, but is some kind of treatment an option, or can you notify your current doctor/therapist about this new development?

[AnonUser]

If I had to venture an unprofessional guess? ... The ability to feel panic about the possibility of being schizophrenic would argue against you actually being schizophrenic.

Now, that doesn't directly help the panic, but ... is it possible that you're worrying obsessively about one illness to the extent of giving yourself a different one?

I'm afraid I haven't kept up with what your treatment situation is, but is some kind of treatment an option, or can you notify your current doctor/therapist about this new development?

I would somewhat agree to the first premise. It would seem so, and I keep telling myself (No! Not LITERALLY telling myself ) that I am just having a (possibly obsessive) fear of becoming mad, and losing myself. However, telling myself this does not seem to calm myself....It doesn't really remove the fear.

Yea, this may very well be the case. I know that my brain is, in some ways at least, working abnormal from a normal functioning brain (see my previous thread for clarification).

And I think I may suffer from some sort of disorder related to fears, apart from my social fears.

I have scheduled an appointment with a doctor in next week.

[malign]

However, telling myself this does not seem to calm myself....It doesn't really remove the fear.

You're right: in obsession, awareness isn't enough to stop. It takes conscious redirection as well as medical support, in other words treatment.

I'm not big on the concept of "normal". I'd just say that because you're in distress about how you feel, you should get help to feel better. Lots of people have anxiety and panic attacks (I have had), and lots of people have obsessive thoughts (I have had, to a limited extent.) What it comes down to is not the value judgment about whether you are or are not "ill", but what you're going to do to feel better. I'm glad you have plans to work on that.

[frazzled1]

Maybe Anon it will help to post your appointment in a bold and conspicuous way so that you are constantly reminded that you are doing something about the problem. In the meantime play your games or use my prior advice or even look up some tongue twisters. They are silly and difficult and require a lot of your minds attention as well.

Have a nice weekend

[dburney]

I like malign's response. He's right - knowing it's there and acknowledging the feelings (whether it's OCD, depression or anxiety or anything else related) is really only the first step. But it's an important one. Treatment can be a long, arduous process. And it may take several tries to find a therapy, or therapist or medicines that can help you. But stick with it. You've already made one of the most important steps. We're all rooting for you. And this is the place to let it all out. Good luck.