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More than friends question


frazzled1
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I do realize that it is probably too soon to post a question regarding a recent occurrence but writing to an audience helps me brainstorm my own thoughts and feelings. This community has become my far-family in that I can let it all hang out and it is still anonymous.

So here goes...After 8 years in a 11 year relationship with no intimacy, communication or reciprocation of respect and a dramatic decline in trust with my son's father, I turned to intimacy with another. The reason I need to write this, share it, is because I need a sounding board to rationally think out my feelings regarding my actions.

I did/do not feel bad about this at all (that could be a little bothersome because I think maybe I should). This act in itself is bad enough (or not, I can't even say just now), but 1 he is 14 years younger than me (quite above legal and moral age), 2 he is a formerly close friend's son (we are still friends just not so close for a few years), 3 he is fully aware of my situation and wants to continue or pursue this new physical phase of our friendship, and 4 and probably the worst or most bothersome thing to me right now is I can't get this stupid:D off my face (I am not a child and this was not my first time at ...).

So...Who wants to help??? (Don't read too much in the thread emoticon as it won't let me post more than one...I just found embarrassment most appropriate).

Just wanted to add that I have been friends with his mother for over 12 years.

Edited by frazzled1
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Well this is what I have to say about it today.

I give other people advice all the time. I advise against affairs, even if not married, but I also advise that people not judge themselves too harshly. It is always best to examine the thoughts or feelings behind the act rather than the act itself. What prompted you to do this? What did you expect to get out of it? How do you actually feel now (rather than how do you think you should feel)?

In 1999 I had an inter-marital interlude, then ended my marriage a week later. I know the answers behind what happened then, as I am a patient of mine for some time now, and this time is much the same. I think that this may be my way of "cutting" or dissociation. The relationship (then and now) is quite dead. All well most of the feelings are gone and by having something physical with someone else allows a physical or real world release or cut to the feelings that remain. It provides an emotional portal in which escape is possible. Not only possible but necessary, as I don't believe in carrying on with affairs.

As for the other man involved, the advice I would give me would be to reign in any spikes in emotional attachment. Ties will never be completely severed because of my friendship with his family. I already have strong feelings for him as I do his mother sister and brother. Perhaps it is best that way because we both have it in our minds going into any kind of progression of these feelings that we could damage other relationships by progressing or by termination. This fact may serve as a supervisor in that it may help to curb euphoria in progression and ugliness in termination. In a word the rationale is that it is a seemingly safe bet either way.

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Those who trust us educate us (Author unknown).

I really am glad to have a public sounding board. I truly believe in the "better out than in" way of thinking. I am human and, as such, I am prone to mistakes (even if they are the same ones). If I never made mistakes, I'd never have a reason to forgive myself, and if I never had a reason to forgive myself, I would never learn to forgive myself.

That said I believe that some of you may be afraid to respond with your thoughts on the matter given that you may feel the need to chastise or shake your finger at me. Or perhaps I could have been more eloquent in the delivery of my story. I am still me. I still love me. I am not certain where I will go from here but the lack of response is becoming a little troubling to me. I may have to re-evaluate my feelings on this sight. Don't get me wrong, I still love all of you as well and I think this is a wonderful community, but I am feeling an encouragement to hold back and that's difficult for me to wrap my head around given the purpose of the community.

I'll get back to you on this matter.:confused:

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Hi Frazz. An "encouragement to hold back" is a fascinating phrase, but I hope that's not what's really happening. Sorry you've received so little feedback, but I'm going to guess it's at least partly because of the sensitivity of the issue. Not necessarily that anyone needs to "chastise", but that it's possible that anything said would appear to be chastising. You're in a vulnerable situation emotionally, and that needs care, especially from people outside the situation whose only information is your written description.

When trying to get out of my own abusive relationship, I needed a push, too. In my case, though, it was my ex who provided it, by filing a protective order against me. But in my opinion, do whatever works. She made sure that I had no further desire to go back, believe me, and we had separated many times before.

So, this external encounter may serve similar purposes for you: to remind you of what you've been missing, give you fresh energy to leave, and so on. Feeling guilty would depend on making a value judgment, which really isn't necessary. Instead, you could simply use this event as the impetus to make the other changes (whatever they might be) that you have been wanting to make for a while now.

But this is also a human relationship, and to someone with whom you'll be in contact for the foreseeable future. That argues that, whatever you choose to do with the other man in this situation, it be done with respect and openness. Whether you want a longer relationship with the new guy or it was a one-time encounter, it makes sense to be up-front about how you feel.

And hey, I'm out of advice. Really, this isn't even a mental health question, and my relationship history doesn't qualify me as an advisor. So, the only other thing I can say is my generic advice to everybody: take care of yourself first. You can't do anything for anyone else until you do.

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AP sometimes it makes more sense to us to have someone else's permission. So thanks.

And Malign you qualify just fine to give relationship advice as you have been in at least one that you have shared. That which does not kill us only makes us stronger, you know :D You have actually helped a lot just by responding. And the content gives me cause to think about all the aspects of the situation. Thank you as well.

BTW I would not leave MHN or judge the site harshly just because I had to pull teeth to get a response :)

Have a great day!

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Well, what kills me will make me smell stronger ... ;-)

My knowledge of the limits of my relationship advice is based on the rather restricted experience I've had. I've been married, but I was a 40-year-old virgin when I met her. It's been a long strange trip, no doubt about that.

And I hope you know I won't be recommending you for a dental license yet, either, based on your teeth-pulling experience. ;-)

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Okay now this is the part I have trouble with. (Feel free to pipe in Malign), I know all about the chemical changes that occur and create feelings outside the norm but I am a rather attachable person anyway. Everyone loves me (don't mean to sound narsicistic), my friends and family (even the older ones) think I am so wonderful. So why am I so guarded against someone else thinking and saying such things? Is it right that I should be so cautious? I mean I know some guys just say things women want to hear for their own reasons and I don't want to build any further attachment based on things that are said and done but isn't that what we base all our attachments on?

I am not disregarding the other troubles associated with the situation, I am just centering on this one now because when I do get out of the current living arrangement I will be vulnerable to my own emotional blindness/stupidity.

So what do you think?

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I appreciate your comment too Jaijai. though your statement seemed a bit on the offensive I won't engage in a dispute with you. My behavior was less than appropriate but I will get over it and so will others involved. The act had nothing to do with my grandchild nor my son. I am a human being and there are many forms of health. I was severely deficient in one of those areas and vulnerable to the advancement made by another legally consenting adult. Unfortunately emotions do not cope so well with such bare facts. Nor do they cope well with "None of your business," but I have broken no laws, I am not married and I am as kind to the man that I live with as I am to any of you. I try to help him with his troubles and forgive him his issues. The fact that he has issues does not equate to my deserving to be treated poorly. If I had taken this action long ago and stayed,keeping the secret or if it were a repetitive behavior or on going affair then I am certain that I would feel more like a "cheater" and less like a person in need. Though if this had been going on all along, I would have deserved his lack of trust all along and I probably wouldn't have any bad feelings about it because I would just be that kind of person.

It may seem like I am diminishing what I know to be a serious situation but I am merely stripping it down and examining it. I could sit around feeling bad about it and hating myself for it but what purpose would that serve? What would I learn if I simply allowed myself to feel what a society might expect me to feel without even thinking about all the aspects of the situation? And what have I proven in all of this...That I don't deserve a pedestal (duh)...that I make mistakes too (once again duh). I am a human being and I have feelings and surprise surprise my feelings don't always match the situation. I am strong but I can't always BE strong. I am smart but I will not always BEHAVE that way. I am kind but I understand that you can't be kind to everyone at the same time. Kindness has to be tempered with compromise. And most importantly...If I have to choose between my love for a man that may feel love for me inside but does not understand that communication, affection (sometimes including sex), and loving support are necessary to showing it and furthermore, "worthless piece of shit" is not a term of endearment- and the love that I feel I must show for myself (as I do have to live with me for the rest of my life) I choose me.

Again, thank you JaiJai for your harsh opinion. Someone needed to say it.

Every saint has a past, Every sinner has a future.

Edited by frazzled1
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