All of it

[frazzled1]

I decided to post everything here because it's pretty general stuff.

*My significant other found out I should get a stipend from school then started being nice and wanting to work things out--- Coincidence?

*My daughter can't get her foot out of one relationship to really be present in the next. I'd like to say that she is an adult and it is none of my business but she and both the former and the current see me as some kind of guru so all want to talk to me about the issues involved. Is there a nice way for me to say "Enough is enough! Work it out for yourselves"?

*I should get a significant stipend from school and I will be working more here in a couple of weeks. I am thinking this will provide a good opportunity for me to leave. I know that it's the right thing to do because things just aren't going to change unless I change them but I know it will be difficult. There's no question here just a need for support that I can't get anywhere else because this stuff usually get's back to him somehow and then it hits the fan.

So what do you think?

[Stigmabegone]

You have some pretty big issues to deal with right now. I don't know your marital status too well, but from what I have read on here it sounds like your hubby isn't very nice to you. It also sounds like you are ready to move on. I can't tell you what to do, all I can tell you is to do what is best for you and your son.

The issue with your daughter - it sounds like you have listened long enough. How old is your daughter? If she is an adult then I think it is fine for you to step back. Tell your daughter and her boyfriend that you love them and care about their happiness but right now you just have too much on your plate to deal with and can't handle being the love guru for them. It is ok to admit you have enough to handle without having to handle others problems. Take some time and take care of you.

That is my opinion.

[devils daughter]

I remember, frazzled, that you once wrote you stayed in the relationship because you felt kind of trapped. Now, with work and school, you’ve some new interests and new opportunities. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to value you much and it’s looking like there are some places in the world where you MIGHT be valued. So, it’s completely reasonable to me that the balance is shifting in favor of leaving now, too.

You’ve done a lot with yourself in the last few months, actually. You were willing to work on the relationship, too, but your boyfriend wasn’t. Maybe that’s a disability on his part but there comes a time when enough is enough there, too, it seems to me.

There could be some difficult days ahead, but there have been a lot of difficult days already. It sounds like you’re being careful. It doesn’t sound like things are so wonderful for your boyfriend, either, so maybe you don’t have to put it like a rejection of him? Just time to move on?

[frazzled1]

Knowing that someone cares is enough to help me stay strong. Thank you SB and DD so much for your compassionate responses. I know I will be fine I just have to keep pushing forward.

Take care of yourselves

[frazzled1]

One more thing I neglected to mention, trouble with an ex. It's not trouble in a bad way but it seems the worst sorts of trouble wear smiles and happy disguises.

*He found me through a post on a social network after having looked for me since August.

*He's at the end of a 20 year marriage in which his wife has been unfaithful on at least 3 occasions (those are confirmed)

*He is hurting and confused and directionless

*He was responsible for my first pregnancy (it ended in miscarriage)

*He gave me my first ring

*He was my first slow dance

*I have always thought of him not just in hard times and always in a good light

*He has often thought of me

*I need no thoughts of starting another relationship

*Neither does he (though neither of us feels good about being alone)

*We haven't even seen each other in 20+ years

*I know that it's memory of the HS sweetheart feelings (or at least more than likely)

I am rational and practical and I have been the voice of reason so far but I don't need more hurt and certainly don't want to be responsible for more hurt to him either. He needs a friend as do I but I don't think we can be that for each other. Because of the feelings involved. I know it would probably be best if we just terminated communications all together but I don't know how to do that without adding to his feelings of rejection and I just don't know how to make myself want to do that. I have done many things in my life that were difficult but necessary and I know I could find the strength (and kind gentleness) to do this as well with minimal hurt. But I don't know where my strength to be strong will come from because it's just not what I want to do.

[Lana73]

Frazzled, sweetie, give yourself a chance to be happy and just let it be. We as human beings tend to overthink about certain things just in case we get hurt in the end. But taking chances is part of life. Looks like the two of you still have feelings for each other. Make a first step and see what happens.

Good luck!

[frazzled1]

You really are wonderful! You know I have denied myself many potentially great things in life by overthinking. And it's not like I am not aware of all the factors involved with even thinking that there could still be something. Maybe that's why I don't WANT to do the smart thing this time. Maybe I am afraid it is another opportunity I will dismiss as an illogical choice.

It's good to know that I am not the only one who thinks this way

i just know that I am the type of person to love with everything I have and damn whatever pain may come later. All love is a risk and truth be told I have never not loved this man I simply accepted the fact that we were not together.

Take Care Lana Thank you so much:)

[frazzled1]

Maybe it is that self doubt creeping in but I think I feel a heartache coming on. The one I haven't seen for 24 years told me on the phone yesterday that he loves me. My heart fluttered and I had to catch my breath, palms sweaty, couldn't form a coherent thought or hear his first words after. He wants to come and see me and I think I am a mess. Feeling suddenly self conscious about things that never really bothered me before, things I never even noticed. I enjoy all of life the good and the bad happiness sadness fear anger but this feels like all of those at once. I can't think about anything but him/us and I feel a call to action. Panicky don't know what to do. Love the high. Hate the uncertainty.:eek:

[devils daughter]

Calm a little? Important life event(s), don’t need to rush it? Other than that – you sound mature, balanced. Hang in there; no one can live your life (in all its aspects) but you. Please let us know how things go.

[frazzled1]

Me? I am fine. I know how I feel and I know what I want. Now that he has worked things through with his wife he is having great doubt and twice had to fight off the urge to tell her " I love you but I am in love with someone else! I haven't cheated on you I haven't even seen her in over 20 years but I have all the symptoms of a love sick fool!" Knowing that this would create complete chaos for which he is not prepared he has kept his mouth shut except to me. Today he will be talking to someone. He didn't say who just that he loves respects and trusts them not to steer him wrong.

The only things I have told him are that; it is better if we don't talk (if he is going to stay with her), if it is fear he is dealing with then he needs to examine the why's of it...I asked him if in the end he wants to answer any question "because I was too scared"? and let him know that fear is just a feeling. I told him only he knows his heart and only he can live his life. And for this he loves me. I can't be mean. I can't be mad. I can only feel that stomach fluttering heart pounding breath catching palms sweating love. But I am speaking from a more grounded place. I think.

[Lana73]

Hi Frazzled! Sending big hugs your way!

[frazzled1]

I hope you are feeling better Lana ((((hugs)))) back to you