confusedboy16 Posted April 30, 2012 Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) I am going to try and explain my feelings in depthly, as I've been thinking about myself a lot recently. I'm going to try to focus on other things than just music, but music is a big part of my life. So where do I start?Recently all I have been feeling is total frustration, within myself and the world around me. I go through times of being able to shut off from the world, but then I just feel so alone, little and unimportant. I start to feel myself become slightly bitter and jealous. As discussed before I cannot stand it when people have the sam music tastes as me, or when an artist or a song I like achieves mainstream attention - sounds ridiculous, I know. I want to just focus on the music and not worry about anything else. For instance if someone says "I love (insert band name here)" and I also do, I get this anxious feeling inside, and my minds starts to obsess over how that person knows about that artist, whether they know more than me, whether it's bad to like that certain artist because such person does. I have always been an incredibly liberal and socialistic person, but these thoughts and feelings totally contradict my beliefs, which is mad! I then sometimes stop listening to certain music because it has "become mainstream" or "other people do". It's utter bull crap, but my mind cannot ease. I become obsessed, and trust me I am sick to death of this.I guess I just feel if everybody listens to the same music as I do then I'm unimportant - which again, is mad - because that's not what music's about, and that's not what I listen to music for. This obsessive streak comes and goes, dependent on my mood and mindset. This also lead me to think about jealousy. I seem to really dislike when other people do well, and kind of wish they hadn't. I can never just be happy for anyone, my mind is so fixated on myself. I mean, I don't see myself as self-centred, just my mind fucks with me! I guess I just want to be happy, and optimistic, but I'm stuck on this mindset which to be quite honest I myself find unhealthy and unrewarding. I don't want to turn in to a bitter, evil person who cares little for other people - because I do care, and I know that. I just cannot get over myself. I'm sick of worrying about other peoples opinions, and beliefs. I want to just focus on my life and a healthy mind, but I just cannot. I honestly don't know what to do. I have a lack of feelings at the moment. I just feel obsessive, that's it! Not sad, unhappy, down (well, sometimes down) just obsessed! At the moment I have all sorts of things going through my head, fears of being a psychopath, abuser, etc. I feel really pessimistic, and incredibly angry at man kind. It's funny because sometimes I can feel incredibly optimistic and want to change the world, the next minute I'm just angry and bitter about things. I wish I could stop being so general about the world and the people in it, and see people as individuals, instead of being stereotypical and assuming every other human is ignorant. I am worried about my feelings! Sorry for rambling on, but this isn't even half of what I had in mind to write,Nathan. Edited April 30, 2012 by confusedboy16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedboy16 Posted April 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Don't even know how I am going to get through the night... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 30, 2012 Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Nathan, wouldn't the solution to feeling nothing except obsessive be to seek treatment for obsession? There's an awful lot of energy going into keeping this going; wouldn't it be wonderful if you could (get help to) channel that into getting better?I don't know what "don't know how I am going to get through the night" means, exactly, but if you're in any kind of danger, I hope you'll take yourself to a hospital and get someone to help you stay out of danger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedboy16 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Nathan, wouldn't the solution to feeling nothing except obsessive be to seek treatment for obsession? There's an awful lot of energy going into keeping this going; wouldn't it be wonderful if you could (get help to) channel that into getting better?I don't know what "don't know how I am going to get through the night" means, exactly, but if you're in any kind of danger, I hope you'll take yourself to a hospital and get someone to help you stay out of danger.I am still waiting on a letter from the NHS with appointment details. This is far more than an obsession now, or worse than any previous obsession I have ever had, anyway. I cannot deal with feeling so dead. I am on medication, but it doesn't appear to be helping me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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