confusedboy16 Posted May 2, 2012 Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 Sorry about posting so many threads, I'm just not too good at the moment! I've hit another low. I am convinced I am an evil and bad person, and will try my best to explain.It all started when my little cousin was around the other day, I convinced myself I wanted to hurt/abuse him, then I couldn't get it off my mind. I just wanted to go away from him, and never see him - because I was so scared I was going to hurt him. I keep thinking back to things I did in the past, things I think I'm ashamed of - or am I? I remember kicking my dog because I was frustrated, and pinching my cousins, and almost feeling I was getting pleasure doing so! This was around 4 years ago, and I believe it was to do with control. I was at a low stage, being bullied at school, though that's no excuse. It's hard for me to type these things, because it scares me. I'm scared of what I might become, or what I might be. I cannot feel things properly, I upset a lot of people, and can be quite abusive. I constantly steal because I am greedy. My mind cannot cope. I desperately don't want to be a bad person, not at all! I remember things I did, things that were cruel and unacceptable, and they scare the living day lights out of me. I cannot think straight, I cannot tell what is memory and what is false. I want to be happy, but how can I be happy if I am horrible and abusive towards other people - people that love me! I feel sick, evil and twisted, intact at this moment I feel physically sick and cannot sleep. I feel empty and lost. If I was a child abuser, would I know? Would it be on my mind constantly, or would it come or go? I have a cousin who is about four, and I absolutely love him, at least I thought I did. Now I don't want to be around him, incase I abuse him. Musaawara, Soiddinoham and innoveado 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eppursimuove Posted May 2, 2012 Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 i think ur ok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted May 2, 2012 Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 You don't need to worry, you aren't evil. The fact that the idea of being evil scares you is proof; if you were evil, you'd just be happy about it. It sounds like you have mild, and intermittent sadistic tendencies. I got some advice from someone earlier, and now I'm going to pass that advice along to you; if you are able to, see a therapist. It can only help. In lieu of professional help, or until you're able to see someone, I will do my best. I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions, and I want you to answer as honestly and completely as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedboy16 Posted May 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 You don't need to worry, you aren't evil. The fact that the idea of being evil scares you is proof; if you were evil, you'd just be happy about it. It sounds like you have mild, and intermittent sadistic tendencies. I got some advice from someone earlier, and now I'm going to pass that advice along to you; if you are able to, see a therapist. It can only help. In lieu of professional help, or until you're able to see someone, I will do my best. I'm going to start by asking you a series of questions, and I want you to answer as honestly and completely as possible.Go ahead... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 2, 2012 Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 CB, obsessions tend to strengthen and take hold when you give them all of your energy. The pattern seems to be with obsessive worry, so I don't think it's so much about what your current worry is as it is about worrying/obsessing itself. Maybe, until you can get some professional help with this, you can try to distract yourself from these thoughts when they pop up. Have you ever tried meditation or any relaxation techniques? It takes some practice to be present in the moment and free your mind, but it is possible. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedboy16 Posted May 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 CB, obsessions tend to strengthen and take hold when you give them all of your energy. The pattern seems to be with obsessive worry, so I don't think it's so much about what your current worry is as it is about worrying/obsessing itself. Maybe, until you can get some professional help with this, you can try to distract yourself from these thoughts when they pop up. Have you ever tried meditation or any relaxation techniques? It takes some practice to be present in the moment and free your mind, but it is possible. Take care.I cannot work anything out. I am afraid to look too far back at my past, incase I discover something I detest. My past and childhood feels pretty tarnished at the moment because of this. Thing is - I don't know how to distract myself. Everything I see reminds me of this obsession, even if it doesn't I somehow make it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted May 2, 2012 Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 Hi CB,What concerns me most in your post are the following:. . . My mind cannot cope. . . .I feel physically sick and cannot sleep. . . .I feel empty and lost. I am so sad that you feel like that. I have felt that way, too. It is really terrible and the fact is, whether people understand it or not, when a person is in that kind of distress they/we are ill.Can you at least give that to yourself? That, for the moment, you are ill? That things can get better? That we are here for you, knowing that you desperately do not want to be a bad person? I definitely know that feeling, too, and have recovered, I do believe, though it definitely took a while.How are things going with getting a appointment with the NHS? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedboy16 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2012 Hi CB,What concerns me most in your post are the following:I am so sad that you feel like that. I have felt that way, too. It is really terrible and the fact is, whether people understand it or not, when a person is in that kind of distress they/we are ill.Can you at least give that to yourself? That, for the moment, you are ill? That things can get better? That we are here for you, knowing that you desperately do not want to be a bad person? I definitely know that feeling, too, and have recovered, I do believe, though it definitely took a while.How are things going with getting a appointment with the NHS?Being ill scares me, because this is something I've had to deal with for years now. Being ill and not really getting any better. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to be happy, if I'm ever going to be "normal". Not normal in the generic sense of perfect life, wonderful person, etc. but not to have any of these obscure, obscene worries and anxieties, to let life just float on by without any worries! I'm feeling very suicidal at the moment, though not necessarily wanting to kill myself, just not wanting to live; I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this, therefore I am stuck in what I can only describe as hell.I cannot stop questioning myself and my actions. Questioning my own integrity. Right now I would love to be able to cry, just to feel, but I cannot! I'm empty.I'm going to call my local hospital tomorrow and ask them to re-arrange an appointment with my psychiatrist. They seem to be useless when it comes to arranging appointments, and they are forever changing the dates - though I cannot fault them, the amount of people they have to deal with! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted May 3, 2012 Report Share Posted May 3, 2012 Yes, getting help from the helping professionals can sometimes be a job itself.It took me what seems like forever. Eventually I learned to stand up for myself in getting help for myself, which is probably a lesson that I needed to learn. But I ended up getting help with that lesson more from my support group friends than the professionals. The therapist I’m seeing now is very good, though, very well-trained, and with her help I have gotten to feeling all put together inside and . . . it’s really hard to describe. The worries just aren’t there like they always used to be. So it really can be done. Just keep on keeping on is my motto.No matter how many people the hospital has to make appointments for, you are as important as any other patient, and all of you deserve to have appointments arranged for you when you are ill and need to see a doctor. Sometimes we have to be a little insistent, unfortunately. It has been hard enough for me to do that and I’m an old lady. I do understand that must be doubly hard for you. Do you have an adult in your life who could help, if some insistence was needed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 3, 2012 Report Share Posted May 3, 2012 Good luck getting your appointment changed, CB. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Do you have any interests or hobbies or anything else you are involved with? What about friends? Maybe getting out and socializing would help take your mind off of things. Take care, and I hope you feel better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedboy16 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) Good luck getting your appointment changed, CB. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Do you have any interests or hobbies or anything else you are involved with? What about friends? Maybe getting out and socializing would help take your mind off of things. Take care, and I hope you feel better.Thank you! I enjoy photography, but honestly do not feel like photographing anything at the moment. My friends visit quite regularly, and I'm out at a part tomorrow night (this does give me some form of release, though it doesn't last).I guess I feel safe within the confines of my home/bedroom. Trapped - yes, but safe, nevertheless. Outside is a world which right now is far too much for me to deal with! Edited May 3, 2012 by confusedboy16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Photography is fun. I've been taking nature photos lately while I walk our new dog. Maybe your interest will spark up again. Self-expression can be a very positive thing.I deal with anxiety from time to time too, CB. Very stressful. Perhaps if you challenge your fears little by little, you will become more comfortable out in the world. Try, if you can, to be patient and kind to yourself too. Things can improve. I hope you enjoy yourself and have fun with your friends at the party.Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confusedboy16 Posted May 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 I'm feeling very down and suicidal tonight. I cannot see anyway out of this obsessive madness. I feel so incredibly depressed, like I never have been before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 So sorry you're feeling down, CB. Anything that I can do to help? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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