Hello everyone.

[lostgirl]

I am new to this forum, and I guess I'm in need of help and advice. I'll go ahead and pour my heart out here in a minute so you understand my situation.

I have been married nearly 10 years now, it's been a tough road one I thought would get better but hasn't. I use to be a pretty confident girl, outgoing, with tons of self esteem. All of that changed as time passed and my husbands' cheating got more and more to me. By this time I had become dependent of him, he had now given me an STD and my life seem to be nothing without him, even though he was horrible to me.

Now he's found someone whom I guess he wants to establish a relationship with and is kicking me out, we don't have any kids, and the only thing I have to proof from this marriage are the scars.

I have no self esteem now, I have gained about 100 lbs since we got married, the stress has caused a lot of my hair to fall out, or maybe it's the depression. I don't want to go out, I am terrified of being alone, and now that I am faced with possibly moving alone, I am at a lost.

I don't have a job because I just grew dependent of all he's given me; I don't even know where to start. I just know that the economic crisis is making me die inside, I keep thinking of being homeless and having to live on the street. I have thought of ending my life more than once this past week.

I am barely eating, I cry all the time, I am suffering and as sad as this may sound, the only comfort I find is the one my little cat gives me, he's what keeps me from ending it all or at least attempting to.

I need help, I need help so bad. I don't know where to turn, how to do it, what to do. I just want the pain to end, and the only answer seems to be death.

Please help, I guess this place is my only hope, my last hope.

Thank you for reading.

Edited November 26, 2008 by lostgirl

[Mark]

Lostgirl,

Welcome to this little corner of the web. Things move somewhat slowly here, but they do move. Please keep that in mind as you think about posting further here, which I hope you will choose to do.

It must feel like the end of the world to you right now. A huge chapter of your life is ending in a very involuntary manner, and the world is looking very cold and unforgiving right now. Not very welcoming at all. You are not feeling very attractive either right now, so it may be more difficult to recruit someone new to help you cope than it was in the past (it seems). And your mood and self-esteem are in the toilet. When people talk about suicide ideation and hopelessness, that usually is a sign of depression in some form. Depression, when it comes over you, tends to color your perceptions so, long story short, you end up seeing things as worse than they are. This happens because people end up focusing in on negative things and not on positive elements of their situations.

Despite all this, I think there is some reason to be hopeful. A few reasons why I think this.

First because, I get the sense that your husband has treated you very poorly - has been abusive in fact - and that you can now look forward to a world with him not around sounds like an improvement to me. Loneliness can be very painful, and not having the money that he may have been providing to the household may also be painful in a different way, but you don't have to suffer his crap anymore either, and that part sounds relatively sweet. You were stuck before; could not do what maybe needed to be done by yourself, but now things have shifted, and though it is painful, I think there will be a silver lining here too. A new possibility for self-authorship.

Second because though it does seem like the end of the world, it's not. this is a significant life crisis, but these things happen in life, and crisis is not the same thing as the end of your life. Wars happen, economic depressions happen, illness happens, death happens, and good things happen too, but the one thing that doesn't happen is that things stay the same. Things can seem to stay static for a long time but then inevitably, something will give, and your situation will change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. Often you cannot tell whether things will get better or worse right away - you have to go with the flow for a while and re-evaluate later on. You will survive this if you want to. Life will re-establish itself into a new normal after a while - you will figure out how to get through the days with time.

It probably doesn't feel like things can get better, but they can.

So - what are you doing now to take care of yourself until things feel normal again? What are the things you will need to set into order in order to take care of yourself? It often helps to write out lists of the practical things that need to get done in order to move forwards. It can seem overwhelming to do this, and then to work on solving the problems (such as where to live, how to support yourself, etc.) but it needs to be done, and putting it off doesn't help either. Maybe we can help you make your way though it all.

Mark

Edited November 27, 2008 by Mark

[Proverbs31:28]

As usual, Mark has done a wonderful job of pointing out the silver lining. You may not see it right now and you may not even believe one exists- I often don't see anything positive when my depression is bad. I had to start my life over in 2004 and, despite dealing with depression, anxiety, divorce, a seriously ill child (now better) and all the other crap life can throw at you, I am still here. Even if some days it is only by the skin of my teeth! So, I know you can get through this but you will have to get through one day, one hour or one moment at a time.

I am sorry to hear of all the trauma you have been through and are facing. I am glad you found us here, though. There are plenty of open arms, strong shoulders and willing ears if you ever need to talk. I look forward to getting to know you better.

[JustTrying]

I too am sorry to hear about your situtation... and I can relate.

Around here they have low income housing.. that you can live in for free if you have no money... or income. You have to come up with I think $50.00 to get the electric on but many times a church or group will help with that.

You can also call as womans shelter and see what they advise. Alot of times they have programs to help you find a job etc.

I sooo understand the "seems" like the end of the world. But I agree this will pass. And one day it will not seem like a big deal and I agree with Mark.. this may actually be a good thing. To be free of someone who makes you feel "less than"......

Hang in there and keep posting!

JT

[lostgirl]

@ Mark

Thank you so much for your message, it means a lot to me. I checked over and over the day I posted but I understand people have a life and might not be able to reply right away, glad I checked for replies today.

I actually made that list you're speaking about on Sunday. Last week was hell for me, on Friday I found out about my husbands lover and not by him, I was actually looking for things on my computer and found a picture of him and his lover. When he got home he tried to speak to me in a friendly manner, I was already upset, I wasn't replying to him. He made a comment that just made me click "this is what I have to come to every night" and to that I replied "if you don't like it, you could always move in with her (her name)".

He was actually shocked for a while, he froze, did not say a word, removed his hat and thought about his reply I guess. Till finally he said, "I'm glad you know now" and that's when my horrible week started. I have actually been going through a lot of tests in that last couple of months, my white blood cells are high, I have diabetes, my heart has been acting up. But on Friday my heart rate reached a high, it was at 130 after the very upsetting argument.

Saturday was bad, I cried a lot, thought of killing myself, thought of life without him, I thought of a lot of things and my heart rate wasn't going down. Finally on Sunday I couldn't take how I was feeling anymore, my heart was going crazy and I just needed to get out of this house.

I went into the hospital and I didn't tell them how depressed I was, but did tell them about an arguement I had and how my heart was going crazy, my head was killing me and my vision was blurry. I spent many hours there, till 3am in fact, he never called or showed up. But that was fine, I think it was for the best, I needed that peace.

So I grabbed my cell phone and wrote a to do list of everything I needed to get done to get ahead on my own. I have done only one of those things on my list, I did it yesterday (Wednesday) I guess that's a start and better than nothing.

But I have a lot more on that list and I have no idea how long it will take and how much time I'll need to get it all done.

I'll just keep trying to do it all, you're right it's not the end of the world but to me it is right now, I know it will get better with time in the back of my mind, but right now it just doesn't feel that way. It also doesn't help that it's all happening during the holidays, it seems harder this way.

But there has been a development while talking to a friend of mine, he discovered I might have "Monophobia - An abnormal fear of being alone" and I think that may be right. I do fear being alone, I am actually terrified of it. I think it's why I have become so dependent of him, I had a lot of problems as a child, my mother died, my father abandoned me, so this to me is like I am being abandoned again. My safety blanket is falling from my body and I am just terrified of dealing with life on my own.

I guess I need to seek help from a professional, but I am afraid if I do that, he will have more grounds for a divorce, maybe even have more grounds for giving me nothing when we get a divorce. He also said he was going to put me in a mental hospital if he heard me saying I wanted to kill myself again, he said he was still my husband and can do that.

So I am pretty much stuck between a rock and a wall. If i get help I will get better, but then it may also cause me to lose some things when we go through the divorce or he might just lock me up to get rid of me. I am just scared of doing anything at this point.

I'll stop rambling, I can go on forever. I am sorry I have so much to say.

Again thank you so much for your message, I look forward to hearing more from you and everyone else on here.

@ Proverbs31:28

Thank you so much for your kind words, I hope you're doing better and that your little child is as well. Thank you for sharing some of your situation with me, it lets me know I can do it even though right now I don't see it happening, but I know I can.

Edited November 27, 2008 by lostgirl

[lostgirl]

@ JustTrying

Thank you for your kind and wise words, I will look into that next week. See what I can do, hopefully I will find some help. I am hoping I can, again I thank you for your help. It really means a lot to me, every little bit counts.

[lostgirl]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope God gives you all the strength you need to get through another day, I hope he gives it to me too.