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A vicious circle


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I have moderate to severe depression. No, a doctor didn't tell me this, I've simply done a lot of research. I can't afford a doctor or insurance, I'm currently trying to find a job after quitting and moving away from my old one. Needless to say, any form of depression does not help this unemployment issue...

Even if I did have a doctor to prescribe me an antidepressant, I don't think it would help me as much as make things worse. Apart from the side effects, I have a severe mental disposition against man made chemicals messing with my brain.. I would likely feel a strong loss of identity and also a sort of helplessness that comes from relying on something so crazy as pharmaceutical brain meds..

I am considering giving St. John's Wort a try, as a natural boost. I am also trying to exercise regularly.

Currently, after a huge breakdown yesterday, I've awoken at 3-4am and couldn't let myself lay there thinking very awful thoughts... so to my usual distraction - the internet. [things to learn, kittens, games]. Trying to not wake my partner, he doesn't need to be bothered by me any more than he already is. My insane lows like I had yesterday stress him out, and he doesn't deserve to deal with that..

I really just... need someone to talk to.. but I don't feel like troubling my friends and family with my 'poor me' bullshit.. I need attention, but can't get past thinking I don't deserve it, and can't actually seek it.. I need some confidence to get a job, but I'm too busy [not on purpose ofc] thinking that I'm a failure and won't get one anyways.. On and on, I feel stuck.

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Hi Cherri. I'm sorry you are struggling and feeling down. It's always unfortunate and sad when money has to get in the way of our well-being and health. Are there any low cost local clinics or perhaps universities that might be helpful for you?

It sounds as though you're being very hard on yourself right now. Can you find a space to offer yourself compassion and kindness? It's okay to reach out and ask for help. I would think your friends would want to know that you're hurting. I know that asserting needs can be very challenging; it is for me too, at times. All of us deserve care and that includes you. Take gentle care of yourself, Cherri. We're here to support you.

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