Friendship/ Relationship that seems to be taking over my life

[engaver]

Okay, so I joined the mentalhelp/mentalsupport community almost an year ago, but after several afterthoughts I thought that perhaps I wouldn't need any help and that I should try to live my life by myself. I've been going by that for the entirety of the past year. The thing now is that now I'm starting to realize that I need help, and if not help, I at least needs lots of advice. Okay, I will try to keep this pretty short, and not too wordy.

Around June of the past year, I started becoming a more emotional guy, and a lot of the emotions I usually kept bottled up inside me started coming out, and didn't really care about many people before that time, but afterwards I totally changed and I really started have more expressive emotions. I think this was due to a lot of things going on in my life at that time that didn't allow me to keep all those emotions bottled up inside me, so I had to become more expressive. At least, that's what I think. So, afterwards, in August 2011, I started school, and I had a decision to make about who I would be closer friends with and such, and I changed those who I hung out with frequently, choosing to go with those who were more understanding. Anyways, I made a mental note to myself that if were to be really close to a girl or date a girl, I would do it on the sole basis of personality and not looks because that is what I believe in. Other than that, school and everything else went successfully.

Anyways, this girl (Lucy, for anonymity) indeed did show up in my life who had an awesome personality, and the way we met was that she was having relationship problems with her boyfriend that that time, and I totally liked the person that she was. Anyways, she would come to me about the things in her relationship that were bothering her, like her boyfriend calling her fat, or their many breakups. I tried my best to help her, and to be there for her. After a few months we became best friends and we ended up trusting each other a lot with almost everything in our lives. Every little thing we would share with each other. Sometimes staying up until 2 or 3 talking or messaging. Now, this was just the start. It was a great friendship, but I didn't really think about an actual relationship with her until much later, not only because she was already dating someone, but also because it was just a really really good friendship and I didn't think about it like that, I just wanted it to last, perhaps forever. So it was February 2012 that she said she broke up for good with this guy that she had been having a sort of a cyclical relationship with.

After her breakup, I think we became closer friends. Anyways, she said she wanted to date another guy afterwards, and I advised her, no, on the basis that he wasn't right for her, but also that I would miss her and our friendship, and that no guy would ever be good enough for her. This prompted her to ask that if she would have to be "forever alone" and I replied that we could be forever alone together. Now, that was a joke, but that was about it. The March 2012 came along and we were just really really good best friends. We talked a lot, again about almost everything in our lives. We just trust each a lot, almost completely. That's what I wanted, and I guess I kind of wanted that, what ever that was to last... forever if possible. Now, beginning of April came and she said that she something to tell, but didn't want me to get mad about it, I said okay, and it was that she was going to start dating her ex again.

Now, the thing is when things are really good with her boyfriend, our friendship doesn't matter that much, and I told her she shouldn't be dating her ex, but she said that I was just jealous that her dreams were coming true, and that she was finally happy. After hearing that, I distanced myself a lot from her, but we still talked because of school. We just started having a few conflicts because we didn't agree on somethings. Anyways school ended in June 2012 and I dropped all contact with her for about three weeks, but after replying to a few messages, she profusely apologized to me and said that she needed me back as a friend saying she was on the verge of tears about losing our friendship. Now, earlier (February) she had promised she wouldn't go to her ex if it meant risking our friend/relationship. Anyways, end of June, I just couldn't do anything about it, I agreed to be friends with her. Truth is, I missed her, I felt lonely without her.

Now July has gone by, and I feel like I've already lost a part of her because she's with someone. Recently, she asked if we could go to college together, and even suggested we could dorm together, but I don't know what to do. And I've just been overthinking a lot about life and our friendship. I don't know what to do. I'm not really sure what I want. I feel weird. I need some kind of help or advice about how to go about this. I'm just really really confused, and this entire situation seems to be affecting me much more than it should.

[malign]

Engaver, you say you joined the community last year; would it help us to know what account you used before? For one thing, if you've forgotten the password or something, we might be able to reset it for you, but more importantly, we'd be able to relate what you wrote before to where you are now.

But anyway ... here's what I understand so far. You know a girl named "Lucy", she's nice and you trust her, and you have difficulty with her dating other guys; you feel lonely without her.

It doesn't sound as if you and she actually dated, though? Do you have other friends besides her? Are any of them girls?

If you're basically wishing you were her boyfriend without ever telling her you want to be, how would she know?

[engaver]

Well, I made this account earlier with the intention of just asking for help, but it never happened until now. I've never actively been a member of this community until today.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. No, we haven't really dated. Yeah, I have plenty of friends besides her, even girls, but I'm not really close to anybody. I guess that's the reason I feel so lonely. I'm surrounded by people who don't understand me and way I feel about her. With her, I feel like I don't need to be close to anyone, but her. About her knowing, well I've strongly hinted at it twice, and I'm pretty sure she has an idea that it bothers me. I think. She apologized, hinting at that. She knows the reason I broke off contact with her is because she started dating her ex. Stuff like that.

Well, besides the fact that I'm kind of a shy guy, I'm not sure I want to tell her outright that I like her or that it bothers. It's because I mean, I guess we're friends and I'm not really sure what to do. Like, should I really look for a relationship? Why does she bother me so much? Is that even okay or acceptable or like...? Is it wrong? I'm just confused about feeling the way I do.

[DarknessRules]

i think i know how you feel in this. i to have a friend that i have conflicting feeling about. we were really close and shared alot of deep dark secrets. we had alot of good times and were there for eachother whenever we could be. im a very shy guy aswell. so though it may not be exactly the same it is perhaps simmular.

me and my friend part ways alot but we are close enough that we keep coming back to one another. it has been hard at times because i know how she feels about me. she sees me as being like the brother she always wanted. and she knows how i feel about her. that it conflicted feelings. its not wrong to feel the way you do. its hard being in that situation but it happens with alot of people. more then one would guess. theres not much advice here but sometimes it helps me to know that im not the only one. i know its hard but it might be good to talk to her about how you feel. you dont have to and should do what makes you comfortable. just a suggestion. if you want i can talk a little more about my expiriences with my friend and see what you think in the end.

[engaver]

Well, one of my causes for confusion is that she wants to spend a lot of time with me, and I have no idea how that's going to interfere with me. For some reason, I see myself always wanting the two of us to be together, and I guess the fact that we keep in touch so much is going to start to get to me. As in, I doubt I would ever want any other relationship while the two of us continue to such close friends because I see her as all I really need. So, I guess I'm confused whether I should still keep in touch with her. Especially, going to college together, what if I never got over her, just because I was constantly just being around her so much. I don't get why she wants to be such close friends with me when we she's already dating someone.

Also, I don't want to end up as the guy who'll spend the next 5 years of my life pining over a girl that's never going to come around and really realize how much I love her, while she's also dating other guys. Also, what if I'm just infatuated or something? I doubt I'm infatuated because it's been so long, and also because we actually have an extremely meaningful friendship. Why won't she realize that I'm all she needs. I'm all she's looking for in a guy. That her description of a perfect guy pretty much matches up with who I am. Three or four weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine who said I was emotionally unavailable, I guess... I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be like that.

Ultimately, I'm scared to keep such close contact/friendship with her when I know, I'm not going to be able to move on with my own life as long we're this close. At least, I doubt I can, right? I guess this just keeps coming back to the fact that I need to sit down and have a good talk with her, but I'm scared of what that'll turn into. Am I going to jeopardize the friendship? I guess I'm apprehensive of that...

Also, I guess another reason I'm confused is that she expresses that she needs me (as a friend) so much, and I don't want to be a person that leaves someone like that.

Also, DarknessRules, how did your situation turn out, or is it still a sort of ongoing thing?

[DarknessRules]

i remember when i first told her that i love her and wrote poetry to better express my feelings. her answer was what i was expecting. she told me that she loves me to but in the way a friend loves a close friend. just knowing that helped me to kinda move on though it wasnt an over night process. it took a few years but we are at the point where we both know that the other will always be there and in knowing that we both love one another our friendship has changed to that of being like family. i know that deep down i wish she would be with me as more then just friends but i also realize that in a way i got just that. a little sister that ive always wanted. it didnt turn out like i originally hoped and i dont always approve of the guys she picks to go out with but in the end i got a friend closer then any ive had or probably ever will have.

it turned out great for me though it took a bit of talkin myself into telling her. dont rush in your decision if you decide to talk to her about it. i would suggest collecting your thoughts on how to tell her before bringing the topic up if you choose to. you know her best so use that to your advantage in the conversation. i hope my experience helps. use it as you see fit.

oh ill be gone for a few days. goin on a camping trip. so ill be gone till atleast the 9th. so ya ill be unable to get online till then.

Edited August 6, 2012 by DarknessRules