Stuck with my life

[VibrantWave]

First of, I'd like to say hello to all of you =) I'm 18 years old.

This is actually the first time I seek for help but I guess I need to start somewhere.

There's this weird issue with me, being completely stuck in my life.

So, I'm gonna try to describe it from the beginning.

Since I was in elementary school everyone disliked me, I had a lot of trouble socializing with others and it wasn't really successful. I experienced quite a lot of bullying. Same thing for secondary school, I actually managed to "fix" myself a BIT up in the last years tho. Now I'm in technical college, third year, and I feel like all that experience had made a major impact on my personality. I'm awfully unconfident. But I have a few friends now.

I'm easly stressed and I can't even think when under. I actually managed to get into somekind of "feedback loop", got some trouble at school because something has happend to me which I can't even explain at all. I suddenly started to fail quite a lot, which causes a lot of stress to me. And that stress makes the whole thing harder for me, so I just look out for some entertainment instead in order to forget about it for a while which made me extremly lazy. I tend to postpone everything, causing a lot of stress at school, here it loops back. I don't even know if I'm just looking for excuses now, but I really ran out of ideas

I was talking about lack of confidence.

There's another big issue with me: I'm kind of antisocial. I'm extremy shy, even got to the point where I can't even imagine myself looking for new friends or a girlfriend. I know this is quite common issue. I'm very pesimistic about this, I often imagine myself ending up alone. I'm not very attractive, my personality isn't that great either, neither is my inteligence. I'm having a crush on somebody for over three years now (I'm not even sure if it managed to transform into love at some point, I feel like so). I just can't stop thinking about that particular person. I don't have any contact with her now, at all. Everytime I think about the dreams I had before or about how long I felt this pain I feel ridiculously nostalgic followed by a river of pesimistic thoughts about ending alone, even suicidal ones which happen quite often. I'm extremly sensitive, sometimes I can easly imagine what other people feel even when it comes to stupid things like not doing them a little favor they asked for. I barely get out of home but I really like to go for a walk with a pair of headphones on in the evening.

I do have a hobby, even a few. I compose music, I even managed to get quite a few listeners.

I also like to program, even managed to get somekind of a job, which I'm really proud of.

But this isn't engough to make me happy, I want to be able to overcome the stress and the lazyness, the lack of confidence and most importantly: I want to forget about her.

I think I covered mostly everything and I REALLY hope you guys can give me some advice, thank you a lot in advance!

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to our community, Vibrantwave.

I'm sorry you are feeling upset. I struggled a lot for much of my life with social anxiety and also had trouble making friends. Things can get better. They are so much better for me now. I'm also a very sensitive person and I enjoy this quality in others. I know it can be hard at times. You compose music? That is a wonderful way to express yourself and your sensitivity.

I like your screen name. I wonder what parts of you are vibrant? Can you give energy to those parts?

I wanted to say hi. Take care.