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Distorted Personality


Jade
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Out of all the issues I got going on right now, my identity crisis is my worst.

I was extremely insecure as a kid; I was either the people pleaser who tried to be what everyone wanted or I was wanting to imitate people I admired(and failed horribly). So, I put on a lot of "acts" to the point where I was never the same person each day/week. People wrote it off as me going through "phases", but I felt they were too rapid to be phases. I remember other kids my age having their phases last for a few months. I'd be lucky if mine could last for a month. Then when the abuse at "home"(I can never call that place a home) started getting really bad, I had to fake that I wasn't leaving and going back to hell each day.

Now, in my new life I'm having to fake that I'm not threading a fucking edge everyday until I can afford to get my intensive therapy and motherfucker, has it gotten to me. I thought I could handle making a compromise of faking at my job(that I hate with everything in me) and letting go at home(and whenever I can finally get a social life), but now that everything in my head has become so chaotic and all the persona's I used over the years have clouded my sense of identity (I'm feeling like my favorite character Rogue from X-Men) to the point where I don't know whether I'm being real or fake.

But it's only an attitude thing; I know I my like/dislike, my values/beliefs, that I'm a sensitive and timid introvert, that I don't take anyone's crap even though I know I'll get beat up for it(my body is too weak for physical fighting), I have a lot of apathy in me because of too many emotional beatdowns and just plain seeing too much fucked up shit at a young age, and that even though I have a strong dark side, I'm still a decent person. It's just a problem of not knowing what my "default" mood is; am I the smart one?, the funny one?, the grouchy one? etc.

I think my lack of a consistent personality is the reason I'm so moody now. Well, I've always been moody(I guess it's the sensitive artist in me), but now it's like I might be Bipolar. My family actually has to walk on egg shells around me now; I already get that enough with my anxiety issues. It's extremely frustrating; I've accepted that I'm damaged, but I don't want anyone to feel like they have to act different around me.

Any help please? I know I'll be fine in the end, but this is really affecting my life now. It distracts me at work and is making things strained at home.

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Could you default to no specific adjective at all? And maybe only because it might be too hard at first to be all of them at once ...

You clearly are smart, and I'd bet on funny and grouchy and lots of others.

It's hard for other people when we're not consistent, but this seems to be in the other direction: you're not sure who you are. Could that be because you're different "people" at different times? I put people in quotes because I'm not saying you're multiple personalities, like the disorder, but that we're all different at different times. There's even a school of therapy based on that observation. What they say is that we're all made up of different "parts", but we all also have a Core or Self at our center. That Core is findable, and it's a place of peace and compassion and acceptance.

It's difficult when so much of our outward life is fake. I have difficulties with my own job, at the moment; in fact, it's the one place where I don't feel like "me" as much. But not wanting other people to act different around you ... what if you were the nicest, most stable person in the world? They might very well "act different" around you, because of that, too ... In the end, we don't get much say in what "they" do, just ourselves.

Sorry if I'm being obvious; just thought it would help.

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Well, it's not like I want to define myself by an adjective and I've honestly given up on feeling the need to put a label on everything, but with my past, everything was always so complicated and I'm already a complex person(hence why I stopped trying label myself unless necessary) so I guess I'm just looking for something simple for once that I can hold on to without overthinking it(something I have a terrible habit of doing).

I accepted during my late teen years that I'm not just defined by one things and that there are many different parts of me that make the overall me. It's just, those parts don't seem to "blend" and it feels like I'm changing personalities with each feeling or mood I have. I've also accepted that it's natural to have a "public face" and a "private face" depending the situation or person you're with, but it should be a feeling of holding back while still being you; I feel like I'm an actor who doesn't know when it's time to drop the "role" until I'm too emotionally drained to care either way. If I at least knew who I was in private, I would like to say I wouldn't this loss of identity.

About how my family treats me, I feel that it's in a more negative way. I don't want them to feel like they can't approach me because I'm fragile and don't want to set me off into one of my "dark moods". I want them approach me knowing that I'm damaged and that everyday will be a struggle for me, but don't have to worry about me breaking down(I seem to have them at least once a week now) and that I'll be fine overall(I already feel I'll be fine now, but it still doesn't stop the irrational fear that I will lose myself completely). I just don't know how to go about doing it because it feels like faking is all that I know. I don't know how to be me as sad as that sounds.

Basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I accepted a long time ago that I'll never fully belong anywhere; I at least want to know where I stand on my own as person in the sense of my individuality. I want to feel consistent and maybe that will help me feel more stable.

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