Dealing with some frustration

[Jade]

Alright I'm back again. God, I'm having a rough week.

Just got done talking with my Mama on the phone. She likes to check up on me throughout the day since she knows I'm a bit fragile right now, which I'm fine with because I find myself calling her when stuff starts getting to me. Now, it sounds all nice and sweet in theory.

I love my Mama and I'm grateful that she's able to put with someone like me, but she just doesn't understand a lot of the stuff I deal with in my head. I've learned to pick and choose the things I talk to her about, but she sees it as me pushing her away. Now, I understand why she would come to that conclusion, but I've explained to her that there are certains thing I can only talk to my future therapist about; but she keeps insisting that I tell anyway because she doesn't want me to think I can't talk to her, only for her to like I expected, not get it.

She ended up unintentionally hitting a nerve in me that's been bothering for a while, which is that I cannot "snap out of it" when it comes to the absolute mess of irrational thoughts and feelings in my head. She's(and a lot people around here) so quick to assume that just because I'm not smiling 24/7 and not afraid to express my realistic opinions on things, I'm a depressed pesimist. Now that, I'm fine with. I've stopped feeling like I have to prove something to world; unless you have a high authority over me that can seriously screw up my life, you can fuck off for all I care. I know I'm a decent person.

What bothered me about the conservation we had (for what felt like the 100th time) was the fact that I'm still not being taken seriously. Even after having counselor sit her down and tell up front, that I'm messed up and need serious therapy; that is still not enough. "You just need to think more posistively, find more willpower, and pray."- Like I'm not already fucking doing that. It's obviously not enough and I'm doing the best I can without therapy and medication to help me right now.

I go through a fucking mental battle everyday. Every minute of the day, I'm figthing off the irrational thoughts, feelings, and being haunted by ghosts from my past while trying to focus on the external word and hide the fact that I've been at fucking war with myself. Even on my best days, I still feel like I'm in a dream and having constantly remind myself that I'm real. That's not even getting into the actual anxiety that goes along with it and that fact naturally get overwhelmed and tired easily.

God, how I would love to have the luxury of waking up in the morning without having to worry about if I'm going to have a breakdown that day and/or having to constantly watch and pace myself so I don't slip up and lose what little control I have over myself; mentally and physically.

It's just, I don't know, to be trying your best with everything in you keep your sanity and to be told it still isn't enough by someone dear to you; and even worse, have it be treated like it's no big deal and that I just need to "snap out of it". It just opened an old bitter wound in me; nothing I ever did was good enough for anyone no matter how much genuine effort I put into it.

I just give up. My family begs me to not shut them out, but what choice do I have? They clearly don't understand and I can't just keep wasting my breath; it's like I'm talking to a wall now. Yet, they and other people around here wonder why I'm so apathetic now; I'm fucking tired. A person can only take so many mental beatings before they become half way numb to it.

I just needed to get this off my shoulders and find some understanding before I fucking lose it again today. I just don't feel like going into another fit of rage. I just want to stay in what I like to call my "simmer" where I stay low and flare a bit then go back down instead going into a full out blaze of fire.

[IrmaJean]

Hi Jade. I like your screen name. It's very pretty.

I'm here and listening. I hear your frustration. It's good to express yourself. Feel free to continue doing so here, as much as you feel you need to. I'm sorry your family is not supporting you in the way that you need. I know, for me, feeling understood by others can offer a lot of comfort. This gives me a safe place to stand so I can work on myself. Do you have any other support there aside from your family?

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Does anything help so you can have a moment to breathe? Quiet activities? Exercise?

Take gentle care of yourself, Jade. I hope you feel better.

[Jade]

I actually have a little energy after work for once to reply to this.

Me and my Mama ended up having a long talk after realizing how strained things were getting between us. She still doesn't understand most of my problems, but is finally taking it more seriously. I've accepted that I still have to hold back a lot of what I really feel even with my own family, but at least they're finally acknowledging how damaged I really am.

Feeling misunderstood has been the story of my life and I've spent so years wandering from place to place to find it. I don't know if I can say I've found a place to belong(I had given up on it actually. Even with the so-called "non conformist" crowds like goth, punk, nerd etc.), but I don't feel rejected either; and it does feel like a huge relief to talk about the things I've been holding in for years and not have it used against me like certain people in my past I thought I could confide in.

No, I don't have any support other than my family. Because my past is so complicated, it was hard to let people in into all of the chaos because they just wouldn't understand it and few who did, like I said, used it against me.

I used have what I liked to call my "zone" of alone time where I relax myself with reading, tv, and/or video games then excercising and meditating to music; but because of my schedule at work that has me on a night shift, I hardly have the time or energy to do it now and it has me on edge. It's gotten so bad now that my Mama gives me her anxiety pills sometimes to take. When I can afford to, I'm going to unfortunately have to get my own pills and pretty much rely on it to fuction half the time, but I remind myself that it's no different that being someone who's diabetic for example: I can still live a normal life. I just have to be more careful about it than most people.