sorry...first post to thread deleted

[sadgreeneyes]

deleted, because its the same questions as I have had before I guess I am over analyzing its draining me..sorry

[sadgreeneyes]

deleted

[IrmaJean]

Hi, Sadgreeneyes. I'm sorry you felt you had to delete. I do relate to your struggles and doubts. It's always okay to express yourself.

Do you have something of your bf to hold in your hand? I like having things to hold and look at that remind me of my friends. I find it reassuring and comforting.

I understand this is hard for you. Have you discovered any ways to soothe yourself?

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi IrmaJean,

Thank you...I am sorry I deleted the post when I now see your reply.. its very much the same. Still positive as the last thing he said about marriage in future was to ask my father for my hand. He said he was not joking as I asked him seriously if he were joking or not as I sometimes dont know he is joking or not. He doesnt want to marry before 1 year. I just feel its such a big gap between his words of the future and how I nearly dont see him now. I know he is busy but I feel I am waiting for something like how can I know he will marry me and I dont even see him nearly, you know. If I only knew he would be there 100%, he say so, but its hard to know. Life doesnt wait on people and no one knows what next day bring, I am one of those people who think do what you can today tomorrow can be too late and specially when you love someone. Life is fragile and precious at same time.

I am holding on hoping he will love me still and marry me later and that his words are true. I have nothing from him, only a picture of him I took one day. But I dont look at it because I am afraid bonding and bonding and maybe he is not. Dont want to be vulnerable.

Yes, I do think of myself and occupy myself, so thats ok. I just feel insecure. Why doesnt he txt me call me when we dont see each other, why doesnt he marry me, we would be together and everything would be fine, we didnt have to miss each other. We could be happy. Its like his life continues without me even he is kinda still there.

[sadgreeneyes]

I dont know how to write it in english, express it right, but I take the grief before hand ( was that right english? ), because I am used to be disappointed and let down and abandoned. I try to believe different that he truly does care about me. So I am waiting and waiting for him to come to me even I am now forbidden for him. To see his love even so.

[sadgreeneyes]

Like 3 months ago he said yes he too wanted us to move in together but not at that time, he meant little later, but that agreement is forgotten it seems like, like it never existed....its like one promise written on the wind. As it has never been brought up again.

I have been so disappointed in life that I dont believe anything anymore untilI I see it with my own eyes and that things comes true.

[IrmaJean]

But I dont look at it because I am afraid bonding and bonding and maybe he is not. Dont want to be vulnerable.

Maybe this is something to explore? Being vulnerable can be frightening, yes. It's a very tender and beautiful aspect of our humanity too, I think. I hope that one day you are open to embracing it. I understand that isn't easy.

I used to experience a lot of anxiety when fearing loss, though not as much now, because I know I will be okay if and when it happens. Working on myself has helped tremendously. I understand how hard it is to let go of control, but it is true that we can only control our own responses. It's possible he has a need for space or he has less need for contact and connection than you do. How can you meet your needs during this time?

Life is fragile and precious at same time.

I agree. Can you discuss with him what your wants and concerns are?

I hope you feel better, SadGreenEyes.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi IrmaJean,

thanks for trying to help I dont know if you remember, but I married a love fraud in 2010, a narcissistic sociopath who lied to me for whole 14 months, nothing what he said along the way was true, not one single word, it was a shock to discover his true character when I no longer served his purpose, Mr. Hyde came out, out of the blue, it was very traumatizing. This is why I dont believe spoken words of future promises again before I see it. I will never put myself in such a situation again where there is a chance of being used in any way anymore. I dont have afford to it. Its more about not being too naive and trusting again to someone who hasnt done a thing to earn my trust. When or if he does then things will look quite different. I am also done talking to deaf ears, if I have to try more attempts to make him listen then its in vain anyway, he would have heard me a looong time ago. Isnt it what they say "silence is a girls loudest cry". If he wants me he comes back, if I was used he will not be back. At least I will see how sincere his words and promises were. Thats all I will chose to do now, wait and see who he is.

[sadgreeneyes]

Yeah my gut seems to be real, I waited 1 week as usual for him to contact and come to me. I texted him would he break my heart that night as I had a feeling he would not come to me or contact me and I waited 15 hours for a response that never came. I have been stonewalled now for 2 days, not one single response, no hearing my cry. No sex finally meant "you`re trash". Having only contempt for another persons feelings.

As Steve Becker says : You don’t have to be a sociopath to stonewall. Plenty of non-sociopaths stonewall. But many sociopaths are stonewallers, and the act of stonewalling itself contains the cold, callous attitude of the sociopath.

[sadgreeneyes]

Yeah I know now why I got called stupid, crazy and hearing fuck you when not giving sex that one time. Fuck you. Nice right? and why he would kill me and cut me in peaces even that was said in a joking manner. Weird jokes. Yeah, now I am trash and dont exist as he doesnt get what he wants, sex. He who was so happy I converted. I was never valued for who I am only for sex and food and shelter. When it suited him. My feelings and needs didnt mean much, I can see that now. No need to pretend anymore he wants to marry me later.

[sadgreeneyes]

And this is the man who said he accepted me soo much, would always want me and always respect me. And I nearly believed him.

Next time in future, if I will love again, I dont know, and I see someone I get so intensely attracted too by first sight and think is he too a sociopath? ( like I did with this man, that is my bad luck being intensely attracted ), I will follow my gut and run.

Seems like my gut "something is wrong but I cant point my finger on what it is" was right.

I miss him and still love him. And for that my heart is broken.

The only thing to be happy for is saving myself for years of being used.

[IrmaJean]

not one single response, no hearing my cry.

Is there some deeper significance here, maybe tied to your past?

I'm listening. I hear you crying. I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, sadgreeneyes. I hope you find someone who treats you with respect and kindness.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks for hearing me, IrmaJean.

No there is no deeper significance here, this is every victims reaction and hurt after having been stonewalled or discarded by such callous people.

It says while stonewalling, then, can arise from less malign motives, sometimes, too often, it expresses serious pathological aggression, passive-aggression, hostility, contempt and callousness.

Clearly when “stonewalling” is accompanied by cold indifference—any form of cold indifference—to the stonewalled party’s wounded response to being “shut down,” this is a sign of serious insensitivity.

I have been angry at him too wondering if he is sane or not how he can do this and I am still being stonewalled even I today have asked him please stop the stonewalling and be nice and say something as I cant take it anymore and how much it hurts me. If he cared in the first place and had some respect, he would have answered my text that day, he had 15 hours, the whole day and he didnt care, thats not respect in any sense of the word.

There are other warning signs that has alarmed me through the months but I dont have energy writing it. Whether it is insignificant or signs of something bigger.

[IrmaJean]

Maybe it would help to put your energy into comforting yourself now? How can you take care of your needs today?

[sadgreeneyes]

I am trying.I dont know how to be able go out do rest of christmas gift shopping and just go to the grocery store outside here is horrible...when he is outside here every day and I not knowing is he there now or not. I am so depressed that I dont get myself out before I know he is there, usually, and then I dont want to go out. I was out very early two days ago as I had to go out, before he probably was there.( there is more behind my wish to not go to the grocery, like him deciding to ban me from going to the grocery store, he didnt go further with it, saying to me he would tell his colleagues my paranoia that day, but he said same day and one day later that he wouldnt and hadnt. But it left something in me. And the worst is that he almost always acted like I was a stranger when I came to the shop before months ago, he had a totally another demeanor, I felt much like standing next to evil, I was a stranger to him, even we had just made love the day before or same day. It was chilling. Receipt, he asked coldly, like with any other stranger. Not saying hello or smiling, only a couple times when not one other single person around.)

I cant fathom he is outside here every day and not care at all to stop by before work, even if it was just for an hour or some minutes. I just want to sleep and be in, maybe I will be able to do the rest of my shopping on thursday as I have no option to delay it any more than till that day. Wish I was finish and that it wasnt christmas so I could be alone till I feel somewhat better. It will take time. I am hoping still he will contact me, even I see what I see.

This will sound ridiculous and silly maybe, but I think understandable for those who has been victimized. Maybe for those who hasnt been victimized too. I have pictured myself going outside and having covering my whole head/face with something and other clothes so I could walk freely everywhere and knowing he wouldnt recognize me. I could be protected from shame, humiliation and his eyes him knowing he has hurt me. I am thinking to go far to the other shop and behind the blocks home so he wont see me. It is really bad. 7 weeks ago or so I did this just that to avoid this all.

I had to start taking more of the sleeping pills so I fall asleep with once and so I could a sleep at night and know I can be up early before he is there. I am glad I have for at least two weeks more or I would be a basket case in the night too. Its not so easy when one has depression, I do function quite well but when being abandoned I sink down into a black hole and my depression deepens so its not so easy for me to do things in this state. I wish it was different.

But I am very sure I am done trying to reach him as I have read that futility is what we are left feeling again and again. Its true, the more I try the more I hurt and I feel more hopeless and depressed. Only way to start feeling better is stop trying to reach him.

Only when I read and the reality of this pathology sets in ( once again ),...its a real thing...then I feel somewhat stronger...because even its hard to accept that these people exist...they do.

[sadgreeneyes]

I am not sure how long I can take this, I am feeling I will soon have an emotional breakdown. I am crying in sudden episodes every day, several times. I dont know how I am gonna be able to go out and I am running out of food. I feel an extreme anxiety for going out along with the depression. My motivation is decreasing. Just to open the door to go out feels dreadful. Because he is out there, he can by small chance see if I open the door and I am afraid to run into him somewhere, not because of harm or anything, but because of what he has done and are doing to me emotionally. I feel fearful, humiliated and shameful. A couple times that sexual stuff was degrading, but I let him because I thought he loved me. In here I am safe. Even he probably is at work and probably dont reach me I feel dreadful and shameful going out. It hurts so bad and it makes me feel so sick/sad that I am isolating, my grief, hurt, shame, loneliness and depression. I am losing some weight. I feel I will go crazy in not too long. I feel its crawling in my head like I dont know what to do soon. I have had suicide thoughts several times the last days, but dont do it because I know that is worse than not seeing him ever again and the people I love. And I wont hurt those who cares about me.

I sent two last texts yesterday a ok ( so he wouldnt say anything to me ) and a sorry. No sensitivity or good will.

I had a dream where there were 2-3 of him and in 2-3 different rooms. And I was crying in hysterical fear that I might had gone crazy and seen wrong.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry for this pain, Sadgreeneyes.

Because he is out there, he can by small chance see if I open the door and I am afraid to run into him somewhere, not because of harm or anything, but because of what he has done and are doing to me emotionally.

You're giving him a lot of power in this. How can you take some power back?

I feel fearful, humiliated and shameful.

I hear you. What do you think might happen if you do run into him? Are you fearful of the pain you might feel? Would it help to express more about these feelings? Maybe try making it about you.

Grief can bring up a lot of feelings. Do you have any other support there? Maybe a friend could go out with you to buy food?

I hope you will be very gentle with and kind to yourself.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you IrmaJean...I have been thinking about your questions what I might think will happen and its close to what you say....I am afraid feeling the rejection while he is looking at me and to see him will break my heart because I am in love with him...I miss him so much and it will be so painful because he knows how much I loved him and still love him. Maybe I am even embarrassed over my texts and my vulnerability. Maybe there is shame in that too. And all the things he said to me...was I a totally fool to have believed his words, how can he just throw it away like it never meant anything....its either that I have issues that did hurt him ( even he hurt me first by not responding ) or it is that he has discarded....being a narc or spath when he knew there were no sex.

I dont know how to take my power back..and I dont know why he has so much power over me in this...unless for what I have mentioned, shame and humiliation.

I dont know if there is something about me feeling such shame and humiliation..maybe because I have been used? I am not sure what you mean? do you mean childhood?

I just sent him texts about me, my problems, I said it was probably me that was ill when I am thinking right....that I was depressed and say things I dont really mean ( my emotions gets unstable ) and that I have problems fearing abandonment and that I dont mean to say bad...like saying he used me and dont care, me asking next day if his heart was cold because why dont he respond like people with emotions do...you know,,,I had NOT said anything bad that saturday and still he had not responded to me next day before I asked was his heart cold...because why didnt he respond or care if he really cared...I mean he would if he cared...but he didnt, I dont find that respectful......but anyway I said to him I dont mean to say bad...that I am not that strong emotionally, that I have a vulnerability in me, I said I was sorry 3 times. I said that he has probably left me since he is not saying anything to me and that I just wanted him to know I loved him very much.

If he has some good will I would believe, if he is the normal one here, that he will respond to me, if his words were true he will show good will and understanding...if he is the bad one then there will be no good will.

I have been thinking about texting a friend asking could she help me with buying food. I am not sure yet. But maybe that will be my only option if I dont get myself out.

[sadgreeneyes]

And I mean when I love him despite his anger issues, he once lashed out at me, why cant he understand me and my vulnerabilities. If there is love. But of course if sociopath thats not possible.

I also fear he has told people I am the crazy one since I have reacted to his stonewalling. I know that this is a narc/spaths trap, a set up, but its difficult not react to stonewalling.

I also want to add...that it says ( I have taken this from love fraud "when sociopaths stonewall"...that "stonewallers, whether sociopaths or not, are seriously disturbed communicators. Their indifference to the stonewalled party’s experience, as noted, can be chilling. Their stonewalling often reflects character pathology, in which case they won’t change—they will always be stonewallers.

Stonewallers are destructive partners whom it’s best to avoid, and even leave, for your sanity’s and dignity’s sake. I make this strong suggestion in cases where the stonewaller refuses to assume total and genuine responsibility for his stonewalling, which is not always, but too often is, the case."

[sadgreeneyes]

I have just read through Steve Beckers "how to avoid exploitative partners....and over half of what is written, at least, fits this man...I am about sure I have really spotted a sociopath...I think my gut has been right..

[IrmaJean]

Maybe I am even embarrassed over my texts and my vulnerability. Maybe there is shame in that too.

When you open your heart, it's true that you are taking a risk, but you are also embracing life. Our vulnerability, to me, is a precious part of all of us. It's a beautiful and tender aspect of our humanity. I hope you can recognize this in yourself and treat yourself very gently.

I'm sorry you are feeling pain. Is there some part of you that can reach out to the parts that hurt? Can you offer yourself comfort and care?

One thing that helps me when I've suffered a loss is to connect with my loving self. You say you love him. How does your love feel? Is it giving? Gentle? Tender? Caring? Compassionate? It's your love and that part stays with you. These are your gifts, sadgreeneyes.

Sending my care. I hope you feel better soon.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you for reminding me that our vulnerability is a precious part of us...we are real and have emotions and thats what it is to be human.

Narcs and spaths creates feelings of shame when we have been victimized, as I read from Beckers....both shame and humiliation along with several other feelings.

It helps me a little to know that sociopaths rinse and repeat, that its not me why he acts so callous and cold. Its his deficit to own. I wish it wasn´t so though.

I am trying to comfort myself, I haven´t gone to sleep yet as I will try go to the grocery store with once it opens. I am not sure will I make it. If not I think I will take a cab somewhere when I think I am safe, so I can do my christmas shopping at same place. I dont know what it is, but it makes me feeling anxious thinking to go out even taking a cab, maybe I am afraid people are gonna see through me, the cab driver, if he is a man. I know thats my false feeling though. I could feel by thinking that if it would be a woman it wouldnt feel the same bad. It would feel better.

I think I feel I love him in a giving and compassionate way...maybe also tender way...like he needed to be taken care of...but I was wrong obviosuly.. Its my gift, that is true and I am glad I own them....it says more about me than him.