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Insecurities ruining me


hb12345
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I've been with my boyfriend officially for just over 2 years now. I'm 21 and he is 24. This August I found out he cheated on me. I believe his regret was genuine, he was really upset that he hurt me. He told me after thinking hard about why he did it (he was very drunk also) was because I don't challenge him enough. He doesn't feel like he's earned or gained anything from the relationship. He says he hates making the decisions all the time. (simple things like what to do on a weekend or what to have for dinner). I'm so easy-going that all I want to do is please him, that's just my nature, I rarely put myself first. So instead of saying, this is what I want to do, I ask him if he would want to. I think it's just polite but he sees it as a lack of confidence in making my own choices. It is true though, I do have a very low self-esteem and extreme insecurities with myself, some days more than others, and I'm scared that they are ruining the relationship. But I know deep down that being cheated on has torn me down even more. It's like I pretend it didn't happen and try to be ok with it. I want him in my life but only as a boyfriend (if we broke up I would not be able to be friends right away if not for a long time) I don't know what to do.

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Welcome, hb, to the community.

He told me after thinking hard about why he did it (he was very drunk also) was because I don't challenge him enough

Your boyfriend's behaviors are his responsibility. It's unfair, from my perspective, for him to place blame on you.

Have you ever spoken with a professional about your struggles? I have found that learning self-care, and being kind and gentle with myself, has helped to cultivate a healthier sense of self. I have also learned that it's okay to be assertive and to consider my needs. What type of feelings come up for you if you try putting yourself first?

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I agree with Irma. Your bf made a choice to cheat, it's his responsibly to carry the blame of his actions not you. If he was troubled by aspects of your relationship he should have discussed it with you, not cheated on you. If he was indeed drunk, I doubt very seriously your easy going approach to your relationship was the catalyst for engaging in sex with someone else. Poor impulse control perhaps but I doubt it was you.

You have every reason to feel insecure. Maybe subconsciously, you realize though remorseful your bf did not take responsibility for his actions. If he can not take responsibility what will stop him from doing it again? Justification for bad acts does nothing to stop the behavior. It just makes it easier to repeat.

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Have you ever spoken with a professional about your struggles? I have found that learning self-care, and being kind and gentle with myself, has helped to cultivate a healthier sense of self. I have also learned that it's okay to be assertive and to consider my needs. What type of feelings come up for you if you try putting yourself first?

I've spoken with a few professionals back in highschool, but at that point I was struggling with a fear of public speech (presentations in class and just day to day conversation with peers) where I blushed a lot and then developed a fear of blushing, which I realized is an irrational fear of being judged negatively. I went on Celexa in April 2009 for anxiety. I also moved 8 hours from home to go to college in 2009 where I really felt progress in my self-esteem and didn't think about the blushing as much because it didn't seem to happen like it did in highschool. Broke out of my shell you could say. Mind you in college I found it easier to avoid having to speak in front of the class.

I've weened off the Celexa since around April/May and I'm not sure if not being on it any more has caused such feelings of feeling sorry for myself, and the constant ups and downs in my mood.

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