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30 & still wishing for friends...


tarun829
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Its new years & I don’t have any plans. But then I have never have had plans for new years. I have been lonely most of my life. I don't party every Saturday night because I don't have anybody to party with. The few friendships that I had got ruined because of misunderstandings (my friends', not mine). So now I am completely alone, nobody to talk to except my mom.

I don't go out of the house much, so I don't get the chance to make friends, but even the earlier part of my life when I used to go out everyday (like my school days) I had only one friend at one time because of my apparant lack of gift of gab, & that also not a close friendship. I can't talk continuosly like I see other people talking, and if you have the gift of gab you can make friends very easily. But I think even the converse is also true: if you don't have the gift of gab then making friends is very difficult. Someone will not become your friend if you just sit quietly in one corner, but that is exactly how I was in my school and college days.

I just don't know what to speak to a person you are interested in (at this point I want to admit that I find very few people interesting), & how to make good, interesting conversation (something that most other people take for granted). I think the reason I can't make interesting conversation is that I have been in depression for the majority of my life. I never got to learn what makes an interesting conversation. I think depression has different effect on different people. What I have learnt is that in some people it can cause sympton like hopelessness, which I never have had. But the symptons that I got and which others suffering from depression are not always affected with are brain fog and general lack of intelligence (which then, obviously, affects the persons ability to make interesting conversation quick). I guess this explains why some people in depression can still make friends while others can't. So basically its my depression which has caused this problem.

When I was younger, I used to think that I will make up for the lack of friends that I had in the later part of my life my having more friends, but the best period of my life came and went, and I am still stuck with the 'no real friends' status. I don't even have a facebook account because I don't have any friends to add to it. Needless to say I don't have a girlfriend. Never had one.

I wish I had someone to share my life with, just one good friend. Is that too much to ask? If I had that one good friend I have been waiting all my life, I would love that friend so much, I would treasure that friendship so much. But alas, I am alone. Nobody to share my problems with. Nobody to make fun memories with. Nobodys shoulder to cry on. Hate my life.

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I feel you, my friend.

I, too, never had a date in high school. Or college. Even long after. Depression and false illusions about myself, not understanding the levels of communication below the surface of mere words - these held me back. I was the poster-child for social awkwardness.

My first "natural" sexual experience (meaning it wasn't purchased), wasn't until my late 30's.

I met a woman in 1999 who actually seemed to desire me. We got married (big mistake) and I have an 11 year old daughter.

But the scars of my high school, and later, social failure - the scars embedded deep in my psyche regarding what it means to be a failure as a man when it comes to women - those scars haunt me to this day. And I'm 54 years old!

And who needs "friends" anyway, when all you can do is watch from the sidelines as those friends go on dates, have sexual experiences, live normal lives, and drift away because you're just sitting on the bench - not in the game? That hurt so much, I can't even begin to describe the emotional anguish of wanting so badly to do those things but not having a clue how to do them. Having my masculinity not only questioned by others, but even doubted by myself was too much to bear. Frankly, I wanted to die. I'm amazed that I didn't ever attempt to take my own life, although I was probably doing it slowly with drug and alcohol abuse.

I wish I had access back then to the kinds of information I have found via the Internet about the whole man-woman social dynamic, and the books I have been lead to read.

I understand so much now, but at 54 years of age... well, the vast majority of the women in my age group have lost so much of their physical attractiveness, and I can't really undo my earlier life experiences - I can't undo my past, can't remove the emotional scar tissue that continues to make my chest feel hollow and empty.

So, here I am at an hour and a half past the new year, and again my basic simple desire to spend New Year's Eve in a romantic context has not happened. Again. Yes, again. There's that familiar pain again, and I want to rip that pain out and throw it like an ancient Greek throwing a javelin...

Sigh...

I share the sentiment you expressed in the last three words of your post.

BUT

Tarun, you are mistaken when you say, "...the best period of my life came and went," because 30 is the start of the very best part!

Or, at least it CAN be if you take action now.

If you want, I can point the way, because it isn't too late for you!

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@finding my way Thank you for your reply. I will seriously consider taking up volunteer work.

@MisterNotSoBig Thank you for your reply. I guess we have some things in common. Even though I don't plan on dating right now because I have sexual problems which I have to overcome first, I am okay with you "pointing the way" (To be applied in the future).It's also possible that while learning about the dynamics of a man-woman relationship I also learn something's about making and keeping friends, since the basics are always the same and can be applied elsewhere.

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