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Don't worry I am rational today. I think.:o It just it seems like I can do nothing right lately.

There was a big hassle with the kids ealier this week and I just lost it. I do not want to be mean but apparently I cannot handle the stress and I want EVERYONE to just go away. A family memeber showed up from out of town and I gave him some coffee and a turkey sandwich.... ended up with a bunch of lies being told and with me getting accused of a bunch of Shit that did not happen. Sorta seems silly now ... but at the time it was serious shit..

I do not know if I am "depressed" or not but I wish the world would just go away. I have to start the work program later... because I missed a few days last week. I do not like the feelings I had earlier this week...

Allen had a Blog up about Suicide... something about is it a persons right? NO I AM NOT SUICIDAL... just the subject came up. Sometimes it just seems like a rational thing to do. Why continually put up with CRAP.. when you may can find peace? I probiably shouldn't talk about that subject. i do not want to give anyone any ideas and this time of the year is hard on alot of people.

But through the "episode" I wanted to cut. ( I did not cut either.. just wanted to) But I did not want to die. Right now I just want calm... I have turned the ringer off on the phone... but I can still see who calls if it is an emergency. My husband is home right now. My sister is the main one I may talk to... she just buried mom.

I can tell from this post.. i am still not "right" i do not know what else to do. I take meds. I goto therapy when I can afford it. I am trying to work some CBT programs I found on the net.

Don't anyone get worried... but I just don't know what else to do. I will have to think on this some more.

JT

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This may sound totally off the wall.....

First... MARK will get a laugh out of this... for some reason I feel he is my best friend and I have hardly talked to him Just something about him makes me feel safe.... OK MARK... don't get nervous I am not a stalker!!!:)

2nd... I am thinking I am not Bipolar .. but a Phycotic B****.

I did not say or act on any of these things but I felt them. hubs comes home Sat night. No biggy. but today ( he just bought me this computer for Christmas.... a cheap one.. but it is nice my old one was about shot) well I guess I THOUGHT he bought it for me.... Which techinally all we have is ours... but I am just picky about "MY" stuff.... I am trying to hook up the speakers .. he is talking to me about equalizers... I am not interested so he keeps trying to explain them to me.... I have been playing stereos(sp) for years .. Hello..... just shut the heck up!!! Finnally he figures out I am getting pissed he goes away to his room....

10 minutes after he leaves I get it all to work.. I can do things but not with someone yacking in my ear...

Then he comes and starts downloading music.. I did not want to download anything on this computer... I am the one who has to fix them....I say NOTHING... but I get madder and madder.... He eats chips and throws the bag into the trash by the computer... he has done been told when he does that the dogs get into the trash.. it is mainly for emptying the ashtray.....THEN>>>> he goes to leaning way back in my chair as he play cards.. i put the new puter in the living room so i no longer have to heat the bedroom I sleep on the Futon..... I have a bad back and need my chair to be firm... he has broken i do not know how many chairs over the years.. no big deal to him.. he gets to leave... I live here.....

I say NOTHING and try to kep my cool but I wanted to do something horrible.. like poke him in the nose or something... I came close... the dogs were acting up.. he goes to stomping his feet and hollars at them.. he has a deep mean voice.. some run out of the house .. some climb in my lap... I "calmly" tell him to not scare the dogs like that... that is NOT what I WANTED to tell him...

OK SOUNDS like I am B***** about my husband... My husband is the ONLY person I have contact with.... I would be that way with anyone.. although probiably more likely to go off on someone else.. I am scared of my Husband... do not get me wrong he is ok.. he did come home and check on me last week.. He thought I was going to cut ane he wanted to make sure I was ok....

I think I scare the heck out of him... he does not know what to do.

I seriously do not thonk I am Bipolar... Maybe more schizo... I have these "fantasies, dreams, hallucinations???? " i do not know what to call them... mostly i know they are not real.. but at the time it feels real. Some reall off the walll stuff! For someone who hardly leaves the house.. how does my mind come up with this stuff??

I have been told I blew all last week out of proportion... i don't know about that... i think My son was High when he told my husband all that stuff.. he may not remember.. but he sent it in TEXT so I got to read it.... ALL!!! My son's wife thinks he has not gone back to using... but when i talked to him the other night he was either high or drunk....

Last thing I remember about that night i sent mark that Nutty post was Hubs calling here and hollaring at me .. telling me how big of a cheat and liar I was .. and how could I do that to him.. Itold him to kiss my A** and hung up the phone... then I do not remember much.... WHY???

I got on another Website and threatend aperson... but hey she threatend me first I was talking to someone else and she said that if I did not straighten up she was calling the cops... well needless to say i got pissed... if I need 911 I know the number.... I tried to appoligise the next day and explain how I feel about cops and what they do to people around here,... they do not take you to the hospital.. they lock you in the drunk tank for days... Last time I was told i should have gotten a lawyer.. they allowed me no phone call no shower.. etc.. no charges were ever filed... But she is not talkingto me any more... so be it.... I should not have said what I did.. but she should not have either....

Ok I am not making sense again.... Damn I hate this... I have to do more thinking.. and work out a plan... maybe I need to go to the hospital.. i do not want to.. but maybe I need to....

JT

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Gabby,

You're not doing well lately. I'm going to interpret it as a "cry for help", although I generally hate the way that phrase gets used. Meaning - if you are asking questions to yourself and out loud here as to whether you should look into a temporary hospitalization, I'm going to say that maybe that is a good idea, based on what we're seeing here. You are attacking the community, granted in a minor way, and that is not like you. I'm not getting the sense that this is a joke. Please call your doctor and see if s/he will evaluate you for a possible temporary voluntary hospitalization.

Regardless of whether you decide to do the above, I need to ask you to not act in a hostile manner to the community members. I know that decompensations happen for people, but they aren't an excuse for bad behavior - well they are - but we still can't allow too much bad behavior here or the rest of the community won't feel all that safe. So - please keep a lid on it and play nicely or I will have to do some sort of temporary ban, and I seriously don't want to do that.

Mark

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I do not mean to ... ............... be mean...... I am really anice person... do not ban me please... i have noone else...

thinking about something I can't say.. because of the rules..... I am sorry that when I hurt I lash out.... sorry.. I will try to play nice........

GABBBY

no definant plan made.. but thinking about it....

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Mark... I do not know what is going on with me...... but I do not want to hurt ANYONE... in their mind or F2F although I did tell that woman from the other site that i would track her down... heck... I do not have the energy... but if the cops had showed up??? who knows....

I have made my house a fourtress(sp)... the only way you can get in here unless i let you is a battering ram... or 2...... then you have the dogs to deal with.. hurt my dogs you are in bad shape..... I will... ok leave that unsaid....My husband can get in here .. noone else....

I am not crazy....I just want to be left alone... is that sooo bad????

I sure do not want to terroize (SP) or hurt anyone on this site...... if you think that is the case.. I willl not post anymore... I never want to hurt anybody......

The world ended for me MONDAY....... The Man that controls those things told me so.......

Gabby

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BTW... YOU do not make me feel safe anymore.... I hate that.... I thought you could be my friend... noone I KNEW.. I mean you are just on the internet.. but someone I trust .... sorry... MY BAD>>> I will go back to pretending... you can be anyone on the net..... I can be real sweet.... hide and watch.... I wil.l scARE you how sweet I CAN be........

GABS

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JT, we are all VERY concerned about you. Please heed Mark's advice and seek hospitalization sooner rather than later. We KNOW you are generally a nice person with no ill will and no desire to hurt or harm anyone which is why this is sooooo out of character for you. If it were your normal behavior, nobody would raise any eyebrow. But, we know this is not you- it is your illness talking- and we miss having YOU around. Please seek help soon.

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Guest ASchwartz

JT,

I must join the chorus of people who are expressing worry about you. Something has happened and you are not thinking clearly. I agree that you should see your doctor and get help. All of this is the Internet and anonymous anyway. So, we cannot "force" you to get help. All we can do is ask, advise, you to get help. You are lasing out at the very people who are supportive of you.

Allan:(

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JT/Gab,

I want to be clear:

1. I think it likely that you are having a psychotic episode right now. I think you need to be evaulated by a psychiatrist as soon as is possible, and possibly hospitalized until you are feeling a better. That should not take long, I don't think.

-> PLEASE, CALL YOUR DOCTOR NOW, OR JUST SHOW UP AT THE CLINIC WHERE YOU ARE SEEN (if you can get there safely).

2. The last thing in the world I want to do is to ban you from this community. I would do that only if it became clear to me that your behavior was so disorganized and paranoid that it was frightening to the other community members, whose needs I also must consider.

3. If I did end up banning you, it would be for a short while only. Say - a 24 hour period, and as a direct consequence of something aggressive that you might say here. I have no intention or desire of keeping you out of here - I only need to restrict abusive behavior which seems to be occurring as a consequence of whatever it is that is happening for you right now.

Mark

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Mark.. Allen.. all.... I am scared to go to the hospital. Which does not make sense. I like the hospital. I went to the parking lot the other day. And sat and cried and smoked cigs. but I couldnot make myslef go in.

This will pass right? i have read back through the posts i do not see where I have 'attacked' anyone. But maybe I missed something.

This is diffrent... as far as implying what I was.. do not worry I have decided to not do that. I think about it all the time. but doing it are 2 diffrent things. I know that one day soon things will be ok again as long as I hang in here,,, and hang in here I will....

I have never had these " dreams, hallucinations whatever they are" this often. Every now and them but not like almost everyday. This crap I have to check and make sure this did not really happen??? I am so tired of it. I am not sure about the "thing" that happend the other day... or so I thought??? maybe not???

Could it be the Lithium??? I never read of that being a side effect. My regular DOC left and the lady that took her place ( well she may be smart) but to me she did not seem like it.

Silly me thinks all I need is a big strong man... started to call my ex the other day. Hubs told me that if I want him to want me I need to clean the house and take care of myself and get rid of the dogs..... F him.... I did all that for years.,.. he turned his back on me... If he wants all those things.. he needs to earn it. For 10 yrs now I have kissed his Butt.... NO MORE> Ok off subject....

But I am going to try not to post... because I do not want to hurt anyone.. If I do post i will be nice or say nothing.. but I heard you.

hang in there guys... Gabby will be back.... SAM???? You probiably should not talk to her.... she is mean....

JT

Thank you all for being here,,, and again sorry... mark thank you for being understanding.

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JT,

Psychotic breaks - mood episodes, etc. This is all par for the course at a community like this one. ;-) there aren't hard feelings of any kind. We are just concerned for you. If you are having "spells" that could be handled better on an inpatient basis, then it would be good to go inpatient for a while.

I can appreciate that that is a frightening thing. You don't have all your normal rights while on a hospital unit; other people schedule you and tell you what to do, etc. Things happen at the convenience of the system and not at your own convenience. Still, as you know, sometimes it is the best place to be when things are out of control otherwise.

I honestly don't know what might be happening, or how long it will last. I only think it is a good idea that you are seen as soon as possible by your psychiatrist. I'm concerned for your safety. If you are acting disinhibited on the boards, you may be acting disinhibited elsewhere, possibly with not so good consequences.

Mark

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