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Embarrassed about being me.


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I'm Nia....... I'm embarrassed about who I am. I'm so confused, I can't remember things, I'm so unhappy. I recently had an "eye-opener" about my mental state...it was the most embarrassing and thought provoking incident. Everytime I think about it...I become sad and I cry. I've been soooo against "seeing someone" I dont want this stigma attatched to me. I dont want to know that something is wrong with me. I just cant take it. I was living with someone and I took my dvd player to their home because they didnt have one....so I took mine so i could play it. When I left their to come back home I "thought" I bought it back home...I was so sure that I "could physically see myself" bringing it home and hooking it up. I just couldnt remember if I did or not...so my mind told me that I did. So when it wasnt here I thought someone came into my apartment and took it....because my mind told me i bougth it home. So about 1 month passed by and I was over their house again...I remember INSTINCTLY saying to myself....If my dvd player is here...."then I know...I'm crazy"....omg'ness when I found the dvd player at their house...i was just sick! All the emotion behind thinking someone came into my apartment and took it, all the anger I build up around it...just to find that I had indeed left it at my friends house was just too much. It wasnt just that incident but I've other incidents that just let me know something is not right in my head. I go through these "cycles" within myself where I feel paranoid....like someone is following me. Then it will go away...then I go through these "cycles" of repetative arguments in my head and within myself, full blown conversations in my head. My thoughts completely consume me..to the point where I become to exhausted within my mind and myself. It's a never ending cycle of madness. I can actually become angry over things that haven't happended yet...but I tell myself they have...and I can literally feel angry over them...then come to find out...that what I was angry about either "never happended" or "never existed".

Just totally embarrassed. Need help.

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