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Guilt and sadness for leaving my husband


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I feel intense pain and guilt for leaving my husband, family and friends of 24 yrs, 3 yrs ago, well together 24, married 9. I thought I hated him, but I think I just hated my life. I felt like roommates instead of a couple though, cuz we had seperate bedrooms and different interests. Our business was killing me on the inside for years then new interests and people led me away from the pain that was my life. I felt free and I liked it. We waited 7 months before divorcing to see if I would change my mind but I didn't. 2 yrs later I want it all back, I miss my old life immensely, we had a business together, a home, we travelled, we had no children together, but a grandchild. Due to the pain that I caused I have been forbidden to contact or be involved with anyone or any aspect of my old life. I try not to think of my old life and focus on the now, but everything reminds me of my husband and the family and friends I left. I try mind tricks that temporarily help, then I see or experience many reminders throughout the day. I count down the hours to bedtime even though I know I will also dream about him. I can't even get thru work without tears due to constant reminders of running a business or songs pumping thru the Muzak system. The memories sit on my heart like a truck sitting on my chest, I can't breathe, I tear up often or all out cry. It hurts so badly I can't function sometimes. The only time I don't think of him or my old life is when I workout or when I'm hunting or fishing cuz he didn't do those things with me, but I can't do those things all day everyday. I tried therapy and meds but the meds made me lethargic and the therapy worked for the day I went but not the following days(s). I am at a loss for coping and dealing.

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Welcome, B. I'm sorry you are feeling so much grief and pain. :(

Therapy can take some time to be effective, and there can be times when the work is painful. What was it about therapy that helped you through the day? Are you able to do any of that for yourself? Do you have friends in your life now?

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