This has gone on for too long now ....

[Missamee]

Hi everyone

This is my first post and I hope a step in the right direction to understanding what's going on.

I will give you the basics I'm 32, work an average job in the city and live with my partner who I have known for about 5 years.

Every morning for the past 20 years I have woken up in a state of anxiety, not always about the same thing, but the general worry is failure and money, which as you can imagine has made me an excellent saver with little actual money worries. I feel my days involve avoiding situations and people that may push me over the edge. It only takes a small event to push me to far. When this happens I won't sleep, eat, socialise or make any attempt to live the life I know I deserve. This happened to me about once every three months, last time my partner lost his job.

The past 5 years I have become more aware of the control anxiety has over me. I have been on some amazing holidays and gone through some happy life events but have never enjoyed them or the moment as I am always worrying about small detail and the risk. I try very hard to hide the way I feel from my family as I do not feel they would ever fully understand and let's be honest I am ashamed I feel this way. This has resulted in me being a bit of the black sheep in the family. Little comments that are dropped by them are hard to swallow. A recent smack in the face was when a close friend said out loud " you never know when she is happy because she never smiles and lets her hair down!", of course I laughed this off (again)

I have visited a number of drs and they have prescribed me medication for anxiety but it just made me very dizzy and jumpy, not great when I work long hours and need to be alert.

I am hoping some of what I am writing is ringing bells with someone reading this......

My concerns are for my future. I try not to look forward too much but my partner is now asking me about having children. The thought of it petrifies me, but even worse would be trying to bring up a child dealing with this anxiety.

I am looking firstly for someone to reassure me that I am not alone in feeling this way, I feel I am going to break badly at some point in the near future, 20 years is a long time and I see it as 20 years lost. Has any one got any advice on dealing with this case of anxiety?

I have had a number of therapy sessions about 8 years ago, I also had a number of group therapy sessions but I felt the other people in the room had little experience of the kind of anxiety I suffer with.

Well I am going to click post and see what happens, if anyone can relate to this post then please reply.....

[malign]

Welcome, Missamee. You're definitely not alone in feeling anxiety, though in my case, the depression side was worse (everyone's different.) One thing is that if you haven't found the right anti-anxiety medicine yet, you should keep trying. Clearly, it's taking a lot of your quality of life. Too, I don't think that you're depression-free, either: "20 years lost" is exactly how depression would see the situation.

Do you think that a therapy group where each person experiences different symptoms couldn't possibly help you? If so, it is possible to find single-purpose groups, or therapists ... I wonder to what extent your feeling of shame stops you from getting help. Is that what you feel when the others aren't as anxious as you, shame? Because there are all sorts of symptoms, and I'm quite sure the symptom of anxiety doesn't make you any "worse" than someone with a different set of problems.