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What should I do?


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Hi everybody reading this and thanks so much for taking the time to see if you can help me with my very touchy situation.

I am a mother of 5 children, I work a full time job, a part time job and am in school part-time. I work both jobs from my home, and I also attend college from an online based portal, so therefore I am home with my children at all times besides for when grandma takes them for visits. Obviously with 5 children I have plenty of disputes daily but one is becoming to make me very worried. Here it is..

For the sake of privacy I will be using general text so bare with me...

I have 2 children that are Literally complete opposite. One is very extrovert and very much so a humanitarian, someone who always puts the other person first or would give up the last piece of bread on the earth if somebody else needed it. And yes you guessed it, my other child is the complete opposite of everything I just listed. How I managed to raise 2 children that are so very much so different is beyond my wildest imagination. The problem I am facing is, the extroverted child is of course one of the most popular children in his/her class, but the introverted child is the Least popular in class and I am afraid it is starting to effect his/her life as a whole. Lately he/she has become very hostile, very negative and pessimistic and all he/she ever seems to do anymore is mope around our home complaining that he/she is BORED. I dropped by at grandma's today to drop off something she needed for one of my children and the whole time I was there he/she was crying and complaining and hanging all over me just moaning that he/she is bored. All he/she ever seems to want to do is play on the pc which is something I only allow him/her to do maybe once or twice a week for maybe an hour. Yet everyday he/she wants on one of our pcs, and when I tell him/her no heshe just cries and gets very grumpy, being very hostile towards his/her siblings and complains that he/she is bored. I cannot express that enough! He/she seems that he/she would be every so happy to sit on the pc 24/7 if allowed, yet of course that will never happen. I do not want him/her to be labeled as a diagnosis, yet I would like to get to the bottom of the problem. The other day he/she expressed that he/she did not have any friends in school and that nobody liked him/her so I am thinking this may have something to do with his newfound personality. And he/she just started this new school this year may I add and his teacher is very critical as well. I firsthand have learned this as I have went in and met her personally. which does not help the situation.... Does anybody know what I should do beyond going into school and speaking to someone about this. Obviously the school cannot make the children like him but they can control the way they treat my child to a certain extent I suppose. I want my happy child back. I am sick of hearing him say 'I hate this' and 'I hate that' and 'I hate him' and 'I hate her' and 'I am bored'..... What should I do to help my child?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi,

I have to agree with Proverbs. The information you provide is too thin to be able to respond. We do not know the ages of the children, where they are in the birth order or their gender. It would help if we had more info. Also, do they have their father or not.

I will make on obervation: With you working two jobs and going to school, it has to be hard on all of the children. It may be that the one child who is giving you some problems is expressing the distress that all the children are feeling.

Can you provide or information?

Allan:)

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  • 2 weeks later...
I know you are trying to spare details for privacy's sake, and I respect and understand that. I wonder what the ages of your children are, though, as I think that may be helpful in formulating a response to your question. Do you mind sharing ages- at least of the child you are concerned about?

Sure... the one I am worried about is 8 yo. The other is 11, but only in forth grade because he didnt start until he was 6, and then his father passed away and he missed 30 days of school so the school made him do first grade over. So although they are 3 years apart, they are back to back in school, third and forth.

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Hi,

I have to agree with Proverbs. The information you provide is too thin to be able to respond. We do not know the ages of the children, where they are in the birth order or their gender. It would help if we had more info. Also, do they have their father or not.

I will make on obervation: With you working two jobs and going to school, it has to be hard on all of the children. It may be that the one child who is giving you some problems is expressing the distress that all the children are feeling.

Can you provide or information?

Allan:)

Hi. sorry....

otay...

the child I am worried about is a male, 8yo and in third grade. His brother is yes, a male as well, 11yo and in forth grade. No, their father is not around. He passed away when they were 6 and 3. But I have a live in boyfriend that has been in their life for 4 years now. And another thing.... I work at home, and go to school in my home over the internet. I am very fortunate. So, although I work 2 jobs and attend school parttime I am always home with them unless I am going to the food store for them. So, the lack there of of my presence cannot be the problem. I look forwards to your observation...

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Hi Motheroffive

the child I am worried about is a male, 8yo and in third grade. His brother is yes, a male as well, 11yo and in forth grade.

Could it not be that the 8yr old is trying to act the same as the 11yr old? Does the 11yr go on the PC more than the 8yr, also, if he does then the 8yr might be feeling a little pushed out? Not in the sense of you pushing him out, what I mean is: The 8yr could see the amount of times and the lengh of times that the 11yr is on the PC. (NOT UNDERSTANDING THAT THE 11YR IS 3YRS OLDER, SO WOULD REQUIRE MORE TIME?) I don't know?

Also, he's at that age where he may just be playing you up to see how far he can push you, by keep on asking you, over and over again to go on the PC, hoping that you'll finally you will get fed up of him asking, and eventually say yes, just for a bit of peace & quiet!

Kid's are not daft?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi mother of five,

Paula has a good point and its something for you to think about.

My observation: even though you are home a lot you are busy working and cannot really be there for them when they are home. It's not an accustion: you must work but it's often hard for kids who often express their distress in non verbal types of ways.

Also, the loss of their father has to have affected them in many ways. Do they talk about him, ask questions, etc? How do you deal with that?

How do they like your boy friend and how do they get along?

Yes, I do think they are attempting to get your attention.

Allan:)

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Hi Motheroffive

Could it not be that the 8yr old is trying to act the same as the 11yr old? Does the 11yr go on the PC more than the 8yr, also, if he does then the 8yr might be feeling a little pushed out? Not in the sense of you pushing him out, what I mean is: The 8yr could see the amount of times and the lengh of times that the 11yr is on the PC. (NOT UNDERSTANDING THAT THE 11YR IS 3YRS OLDER, SO WOULD REQUIRE MORE TIME?) I don't know?

Also, he's at that age where he may just be playing you up to see how far he can push you, by keep on asking you, over and over again to go on the PC, hoping that you'll finally you will get fed up of him asking, and eventually say yes, just for a bit of peace & quiet!

Kid's are not daft?

On a typical day that I allow them to play on the pc, they take turns. lol they have a clock beside the pc (their game is full screen), and they share. And I am proud to say that they handled that quite responsibly without my physical presence! :P im guessing running to mommy all the time to ask what time it was so the other could play was more difficult than just glancing at a clock beside the screen! So, this is not the issue. There are many difference in my 8 and 11 yr old for instance, my 11 yr old plays the saxophone in the band at school, but the 8 yr old already knows he does not want to play that instrument. But he does look up to his brother. I go in depth in the response to Allan's comment if your interested in more... i dont want to write another long post :\ im tired heheheh Thanks for the great observations and advice. It helped me put things into perspective and I would love to see what else you have to say :) thanks Paula.

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Hi mother of five,

Paula has a good point and its something for you to think about.

My observation: even though you are home a lot you are busy working and cannot really be there for them when they are home. It's not an accustion: you must work but it's often hard for kids who often express their distress in non verbal types of ways.

Also, the loss of their father has to have affected them in many ways. Do they talk about him, ask questions, etc? How do you deal with that?

How do they like your boy friend and how do they get along?

Yes, I do think they are attempting to get your attention.

Allan:)

Okay.. ready for my book? Lol

I do not know Allan... They receive a tremendous amount of my attention as it is, to the extent of my being behind in school right now due to not having the time to study or do my school work. They come first in my life and my boss respects this completely as she has strong family values of her own. But I am responsible for my schooling so i am still passing. I just need to sit down and concentrate on my schoolwork rather than them and holiday stuff, which is for them. So, yea. But both of you have given me some very interesting things to think about. And there is one thing my children do not lack and that is expressing their selves. They are very spoiled and expect the world to revolve around them and yes at this age it should be like that but they take it to the extreme. If they have a problem they are not shy of expressing it a bit. As a matter of fact, its to a fault. Like, they have to have things "their" way (mostly my 5 year old which is normal to a certain extent at that age.) They walk all over me without worrying about how it is effecting me, because at times it is pretty troublesome with lots of decisions to make, which gets overwhelming. I do not like diversity and they love it lol they are typical siblings and experience sibling rivalry and I am the mediator. I am in the process of trying to teach them sibling love rather rivalry. lol And that is something they may not learn until they are adults but I am trying my hardest to deem peace and harmony in my life. Maybe they do things to get my attention just to pull my strings and see how far they can push me, but it is not due to the lack there of of attention. Another factor is that my 8 year old (the one my first post was concerned about) has been a total momma's boy his whole life. He has been supported and guided to a fault and is not shy when it comes to expressing hisself to me especially when he is trying to get his way. He was very sick when he was born and developed asthma when he was roughly 8 months old. He was on the inhalant form of steroids via a nebulizer quite a few times in his lifetime. I am not sure what the effect of that is on personality. Especially since he has not had problems with asthma for 6 years. So, it was the first 2 years of his life that he was receiving the nebulizer treatments. His lungs were not fully developed when he was born and he had jaundice on and off for the first 2 months of his life. He was hospitalized quite a few times. I was lucky his doctor allowed me to take him home when he did, but he only did because he knew he would be taken care of and that I could handle it. He had many extra doctors visits. But now that he is 8 he acts out and expects mommy to do what mommys do best...make him happy. And he is almost 9, so I think that he is immature for his age. And if that is the case, I know it is nothing to worry about because *hopefully* someday he will mature and grow up, but just not today. In the meantime though he needs a major attitude adjustment sometimes. And he needs to be reminded of how lucky he is to be him and how good his life is. They get about whatever they want materialistically and all of their needs are met and then some so they have no idea what a hard time is. Like I said they are very spoiled. They do not know what a real problem is and like to create unnecessary ones. So.... now what do ya think? lol I am just worried that if the behavior is not kicked in the butt, so to speak, when they are young that they will think they can walk all over me or even others when they are older with typical tyrant behavior and I cannot stand by and allow that to happen. So I wonder is this a phase and something that will pass or should I actively participate in the possible attention seeking behavior? So, teaching them self discipline at this age will greatly benefit them when they are older so they can concentrate on the important things like becoming a doctor or whichever greater path that they choose rather than stupid arguments or disagreements or trying to control the decisions or opinions of others, things that is natural and normal and should be appreciated and respected. How do you teach a child to look outside of their box and better yet, should I ?. Sometimes I just have to speak up and say …Just relax. Calm down!!! Lol What is the point in this behavior, pleaassee help me understand! (in little kid language that is lol) J

About their father... no we do not talk about him. They do not ask any questions or ever talk about him so, thats that. Keep in mind it happened 5 years ago and they were young 6,3,2,5mths, so we have had time to heal, and they have very few memories if any at all. And he was not very involved in our life anyway. We lived together but he worked during the day and did his own thing after his shower and dinner. I was the only caregiver. As a matter of fact, my 8 year old cried when I left him with his father for short errands when he still was a baby so that should give a little hint on how close they were or how involved he was. I volunteer memories when they strike my mind sometimes, and I guess I talk about him the most. They are close to their biological fathers’ father (their grandfather) and his wife (their grandma) and their biological fathers’ brother (their uncle). They take them at least once a month for the weekend, sometimes more sometimes less depending on their schedule and life.

As for my boyfriend...beings that they were still young when he became apart of our life, he is all that they know. They do not call him daddy. They call him by his first name but when talking to somebody else (anybody) they refer to him as their daddy. So, it is in their heart. They love him. He helps me discipline them of course, and also refers to them as his children when speaking of them to other people. They have a brother that lives with us that is my and my boyfriend's son. And they are treated no differently than that of his biological son, and they love their brother as though he was a full brother. That concept is totally foreign to them as it should be and I do not think even when they are introduced to the concept that they will care!

I am sure that I will get through this trial. God will lead my path and help me make the best decisions for my children. Writing it all down like this does help to make sense of it for me! J I was a very young mother as well. I had my first child when I was 17 and a senior in high school. Even then I was working and attending school and yes I did receive my high school diploma! Yay for me J I was 20 when I had my second child. But it took 3 years to adjust to being a mommy before I was prepared to be. And, our families did not financially support us very much, as they shouldn’t have because it was our decisions and our life. But if your still with me, lol feel free to offer any insight as the insight that you already provided proved to helped me put the whole situation into perspective. I was actually thinking that they are too dependant on me, and that I need to withdraw myself a little and allow them to deal with more hardships, at the least to learn how to get along correctly with others (their siblings) with direction of course. But if they have me there to continuously remind then, “now aiden, you are in trouble for doing that. That was rude. Please tell your sister you are sorry,” than how are they learning anything. I learned when I was young due to reading books on parenting that if you ignore the negative behavior it goes away. By giving negative behavior attention you are rewarding them for it and even supporting it to continue. But I know you cannot ignore anything that would harm them in any way, which is why I mediate, because it is mentally that they are behind I suppose. They do not hold the humanitarianism that their older 11-year-old brother does. They only think of and see their selves and what they want, like not sharing their toys. Or just simple things. They are not very considerate of the feelings of each other, hence sibling rivalry. Hence mommy’s mediation. Lol and to think that it may get worse than this…… so that’s why im asking for advice lol J I guess now ya’s know enough to see clearly to be able to make a proper observation. Thanks for listening lol

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