My Story

[texasgirl]

I was badly abused as a child. Sexually , verbally, mentally and physically. I never told anyone, I learned to push the pain deep inside as a child it only surfaced in my violent nightmares . As a teenager I became a cutter and had a few accidental suicide attempts. Again those feelings were never dealt with they were pushed deep inside hoping to be ignored. I have always struggled with self harm, now it's the worst it's ever been. The only difference is it's happening in my nightmares I am not awake when I hurt myself. I wake up doing it, I'm am 35 now why is this happening ? I do not understand at all. I do not sleep anymore because I'm afraid to. I can not begin to tell you how ashamed I am of what I do, it's sick and I feel like a huge freak. I think I'm crazy because the people that hurt me ,I still loved them as a child. That's pretty twisted is it not?

[sheryl]

I was badly abused as a child. Sexually , verbally, mentally and physically. I never told anyone, I learned to push the pain deep inside as a child it only surfaced in my violent nightmares . As a teenager I became a cutter and had a few accidental suicide attempts. Again those feelings were never dealt with they were pushed deep inside hoping to be ignored. I have always struggled with self harm, now it's the worst it's ever been. The only difference is it's happening in my nightmares I am not awake when I hurt myself. I wake up doing it, I'm am 35 now why is this happening ? I do not understand at all. I do not sleep anymore because I'm afraid to. I can not begin to tell you how ashamed I am of what I do, it's sick and I feel like a huge freak. I think I'm crazy because the people that hurt me ,I still loved them as a child. That's pretty twisted is it not?

hi texasgirl

when i read this i was nearly in tears i know what your going through in was sexually abused as a child by my brother and his best mate, i've suffered for years also with self-harm only mine isn't as bad as yours i don't cut myself in my sleep, have you ever considered therapy i see a therapist and it's really helped me, i have flashbacks and nightmares. therapy may really help you think about it, your not crazy for loving your abusers i still struggle with m,y feelings towards my brother i don't now what to feel because he's my brother, you are not sick or twisted either no one who self-harms is it's just a way of coping, it's understandable that you love your abusers but that doesn't make you twisted, i would just like to say that i wonder how you kept your abuse secret, i managed to for years and then my cousin told someone, have you told your doctor how you feel

[texasgirl]

hi texasgirl

when i read this i was nearly in tears i know what your going through in was sexually abused as a child by my brother and his best mate, I've suffered for years also with self-harm only mine isn't as bad as yours i don't cut myself in my sleep, have you ever considered therapy i see a therapist and it's really helped me, i have flashbacks and nightmares. therapy may really help you think about it, your not crazy for loving your abusers i still struggle with my feelings towards my brother i don't now what to feel because he's my brother, you are not sick or twisted either no one who self-harms is it's just a way of coping, it's understandable that you love your abusers but that doesn't make you twisted, i would just like to say that i wonder how you kept your abuse secret, i managed to for years and then my cousin told someone, have you told your doctor how you feel

Sheryl,

I do not know how I kept it hidden for so long, I blocked it all out I guess. I always knew something was wrong, just this past summer it has all come to the surface. My husband of 17 yrs my teenage son just now found out as well. It's like those view finder things you play with when your a kid, I think it's called "flash backs" they pop in my head like the pics in a view finder. Sometimes I don't get it right away, but other times it makes complete sense. For example a random picture that I saw, that's all it took for me to remember what my brother did. I'm the youngest of 7 I was not planned or wanted, my parents drank to tolerate each other then they would fight usually about me. I hate my mother she made the abuse from my daddy worse, she also kept me loaded on 3 types of ADHD meds most of my life she did these things to me she called "therapy". My Daddy was not always the monster that the alcohol made him, the alcohol and my mother fueling the fire mad him that monster. Then one night one of my brothers girlfriends kicked him out because he was drunk and stoned and abusing her. He came home and begged to stay the night, then he turned into the same type of monster as my daddy. I live in constant fear of remembering more, the touch of my mother makes my skin crawl, I do not know if there is more to that or not. I'm not sure if I can handle to many more "flash backs". I caught the blame for everything even my grandmas suicide. I do not want to be like this anymore, I'm to the point that I'll do what ever is needed to make it go away.

[sheryl]

hi texasgirl

i'm so sorry, i have flashbacks and unfortunately they keep coming, have you thought about therapy because that really will help you alot maybe your remembering it all because your unconsciuos is telling youn that it's ready to open up your heart to someone hopefully to someone who can help you, i will try to help you as much as i can, i'm so sorry that your mother never helped you my mother didn't either she was the one i relied upon to save me and she didn't, don't give up on life your husband and son need you, it's so painful remembering what you have been through but you can't stop it i hope you will continue to talk to me.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sheryl and Texas Girl,

Abuse is a terrible thing and leaves lasting scars. The reason you each have flash backs is that you each suffer from Post Traumatic Stress. It does not take much to bring the past back when you have experienced this type of abuse.

However, I agree with Sherly that psychotherapy would be very helpful. In addtion, there are medications that can help with this. It is really important that you be able to sleep peacefully at night and a good Psychiatrist can help you with this and with depression and anxiety.

You know, it is always curious that those who have suffered the abuse at the hands of others feel guilty. Why is that? Do the perpetaters of abuse feel guilty? I doubt it. Well, neither of you is guilty and neither of you have anything to be ashamed of.

Allan

[sheryl]

You know, it is always curious that those who have suffered the abuse at the hands of others feel guilty. Why is that? Do the perpetaters of abuse feel guilty? I doubt it. Well, neither of you is guilty and neither of you have anything to be ashamed of.

Allan

Hi

How is post traumatic stress treated? that is a hard question to answer for me i don't think my abusers would of felt any guilt, the thing with abusers is that they blame there victims they treaten you into not saying anything by telling you if you do tell you'll be the one in trouble, my abusers told me that i asked for it so i got what i asked for and i belived them so everytime i was abused i blamed myself, when your so young you believe anything that an older person tells you they make you belive that to take the blame off of there selves but once it's deep inside your head it's really difficult to stop blaming yourself i've had such problems believing that it was there fault and not mine.

[texasgirl]

You know, it is always curious that those who have suffered the abuse at the hands of others feel guilty. Why is that? Do the perpetaters of abuse feel guilty? I doubt it. Well, neither of you is guilty and neither of you have anything to be ashamed of.

Allan

Hi

How is post traumatic stress treated? that is a hard question to answer for me i don't think my abusers would of felt any guilt, the thing with abusers is that they blame there victims they treaten you into not saying anything by telling you if you do tell you'll be the one in trouble, my abusers told me that i asked for it so i got what i asked for and i belived them so everytime i was abused i blamed myself, when your so young you believe anything that an older person tells you they make you belive that to take the blame off of there selves but once it's deep inside your head it's really difficult to stop blaming yourself i've had such problems believing that it was there fault and not mine.

Allen,

It is not so easy to let go of the shame and guilt that the abuse leaves you with. I also have the guilt and shame that goes with self harm to deal with. Sometimes I really question if life is worth it at all. I think you and Sheryl asked me if I've tried therapy, lack of money is a problem for me so I guess that's why I found this forum.

Katie

[sheryl]

Hi Texas girl,

i'm actually very lucky when it comes to therapy because i don't have to pay for it because i live in the UK, it's awful when you need the treatment and you can't have it because you have to pay for it, i still question if lives worth living and sometimes i don't think it is but what keeps me going most of the times is my family well my husband and my daughter, i hope that the forum has been helpful to you, it's been helpful to me. i hope your feeling okay.

[texasgirl]

Hi Texas girl,

i'm actually very lucky when it comes to therapy because i don't have to pay for it because i live in the UK, it's awful when you need the treatment and you can't have it because you have to pay for it, i still question if lives worth living and sometimes i don't think it is but what keeps me going most of the times is my family well my husband and my daughter, i hope that the forum has been helpful to you, it's been helpful to me. i hope your feeling okay.

Sheryl,

I could give you my e-mail if you would like

[sheryl]

hi texas girl

how are you? i hope your okay?That would be great my e-mail address is sahanabia@yahoo.com.

[Mark]

There is a whole boatload of shame that comes with being abused as a child. I wrote an essay about shame a few weeks ago in reaction to another community member who is struggling with self-injury issues.

There are a few different ideas about how to treat PTSD. There is a form of therapy out today called EMDR (stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) and the aim of that therapy is to defuse the negative emotions attached to trauma memories. Basically in this therapy, you are helped to recall specific trauma memories while the therapist has you move your eyes in a particular way. The net effect that people report is that they are later more able to think about the trauma without reacting to it so painfully. I'm not trained in EMDR and it still seems too good to be true to me, but many respected therapists swear by it and there is supportive research so who am I to say otherwise.

The older way of treating trauma is based on the idea of exposure therapy - that what keeps the trauma memories so strong and painful is that people avoid them and run from them rather than tolerating them until their pain subsides some. You have to do this very carefully and respectfully, of course. often this is done in a group therapy format so that there is maximum support for whomever is sharing.

I wish we all had magic wands to wave and make the pain go away. It's really sad to know that you all are in such pain. Talking about it often helps, and I hope that this forum will continue to be a place in which you can find support.

Mark

[sheryl]

There is a whole boatload of shame that comes with being abused as a child. I wrote an essay about shame a few weeks ago in reaction to another community member who is struggling with self-injury issues.

There are a few different ideas about how to treat PTSD. There is a form of therapy out today called EMDR (stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) and the aim of that therapy is to defuse the negative emotions attached to trauma memories. Basically in this therapy, you are helped to recall specific trauma memories while the therapist has you move your eyes in a particular way. The net effect that people report is that they are later more able to think about the trauma without reacting to it so painfully. I'm not trained in EMDR and it still seems too good to be true to me, but many respected therapists swear by it and there is supportive research so who am I to say otherwise.

The older way of treating trauma is based on the idea of exposure therapy - that what keeps the trauma memories so strong and painful is that people avoid them and run from them rather than tolerating them until their pain subsides some. You have to do this very carefully and respectfully, of course. often this is done in a group therapy format so that there is maximum support for whomever is sharing.

I wish we all had magic wands to wave and make the pain go away. It's really sad to know that you all are in such pain. Talking about it often helps, and I hope that this forum will continue to be a place in which you can find support.

Mark

Hi mark,

I see a counsellor and i have sessions on my own i'm a shy person but i'm wondering if group sessions would do me some good? i'm not sure whether it's classed as psychotherapy, i've heard of EMDR recently but didn't know what it was, i struggle with self-injury myself so i know what it's like,the worst parts of remembering for me are the flashbacks and nightmares i get it's awful to feel like your back there being abused all over again, avoiding and running away from my pain was always easier than confronting it, it's even more painful bringing it all up again after having buring it deep down in the first place.

[Mark]

Well - it's one thing to talk about therapies and another to experience them, but if you want to listen to a podcast about EMDR, we have a good one with the originator of the therapy, Dr. Francine Shapiro which I recommend you listen to.

As for group sessions, I'm a great believer in them. In one-on-one therapy you have a therapist to help you but there aren't any peers around who can really understand what you're dealing with because they too have lived it. In a group, you get less time for your own issues, but you gain from listening to and helping others who have similar problems. In the process of helping others with their stuff, you end up helping yourself. Also, no therapist in the world ever has the credibilty of a peer. I've seen peers give each other feedback that was accepted becuase it was from a peer; a therapist might not have been able to say it and have it go over well. So - i'm very positive about it and have seen it work out well for many people.

it's awful to feel like your back there being abused all over again

Yes - that is one of the the definitions of awful

[texasgirl]

Well - it's one thing to talk about therapies and another to experience them, but if you want to listen to a podcast about EMDR, we have a good one with the originator of the therapy, Dr. Francine Shapiro which I recommend you listen to.

As for group sessions, I'm a great believer in them. In one-on-one therapy you have a therapist to help you but there aren't any peers around who can really understand what you're dealing with because they too have lived it. In a group, you get less time for your own issues, but you gain from listening to and helping others who have similar problems. In the process of helping others with their stuff, you end up helping yourself. Also, no therapist in the world ever has the credibilty of a peer. I've seen peers give each other feedback that was accepted becuase it was from a peer; a therapist might not have been able to say it and have it go over well. So - i'm very positive about it and have seen it work out well for many people.

Yes - that is one of the the definitions of awful

I think I'm beyond any kind of therapy.....

[Guest ASchwartz]

Yes, EMDR is a type of psychotherapy. I know a number of people who have been through it, people with anxiety disorders and PTSD and they have reported to me that it really helped them a great deal.

I know it is hard but try to stay hopeful. No one is beyond helped by psychotherapy, of one type or another.

Allan:)

[sheryl]

I think I'm beyond any kind of therapy.....

Hi Texasgirl

Your never beyond help I never had therapy for 8 years and therapy is really helping me so i'm sure therapy could help you, you just need to find the right therapist and the right therapy, when you have done that you will been on your way to recovery you should listen to the interview with Francine Shapiro about EMDR(Eye Movement Densenitization with Reprocessing Therapy) it's really interesting i've listened to it.

[sheryl]

Well - it's one thing to talk about therapies and another to experience them, but if you want to listen to a podcast about EMDR, we have a good one with the originator of the therapy, Dr. Francine Shapiro which I recommend you listen to.

As for group sessions, I'm a great believer in them. In one-on-one therapy you have a therapist to help you but there aren't any peers around who can really understand what you're dealing with because they too have lived it. In a group, you get less time for your own issues, but you gain from listening to and helping others who have similar problems. In the process of helping others with their stuff, you end up helping yourself. Also, no therapist in the world ever has the credibilty of a peer. I've seen peers give each other feedback that was accepted becuase it was from a peer; a therapist might not have been able to say it and have it go over well. So - i'm very positive about it and have seen it work out well for many people.

Yes - that is one of the the definitions of awful

I have listened to the EMDR podcast i found it really very interesting, i'm just wondering if it's used in the uk?

I'm still not sure about group therapy it makes me nervous just thinking about it, it's talking in a group about what happened to me that's making me scared

[Mark]

I know what it is like to be frightened and hesitant about participating in something. I'm thinking about times when I wanted to get into a swimming pool, but the water was cold. Sometimes I'd jump in and have a shock but in very short order the water temperature became something I could tolerate. other times I'd go in up to my knees, and then acclimate, and then go in a little deeper until at a certain point I'd get up the nerve to jump in entirely.

I think going into therapy (or any sort of treatment you feel apprehensive about) is a little like jumping in a pool. There are different ways to go about it - some faster than others and some slower and both are perfectly fine ways to go about it. If the group idea is frightening now, then think about it for a while - no rush. There is time later on to try it out. Then you can get involved but not talk right away until you feel more comfortable. Then ultimatley you can participate.

I'm sure that somewhere in the UK people are working with EMDR. I just don't know where. Dr. Shapiro's website would keep track of that sort of thing. There is a link on the podcast page, I think.

[sheryl]

I know what it is like to be frightened and hesitant about participating in something. I'm thinking about times when I wanted to get into a swimming pool, but the water was cold. Sometimes I'd jump in and have a shock but in very short order the water temperature became something I could tolerate. other times I'd go in up to my knees, and then acclimate, and then go in a little deeper until at a certain point I'd get up the nerve to jump in entirely.

I think going into therapy (or any sort of treatment you feel apprehensive about) is a little like jumping in a pool. There are different ways to go about it - some faster than others and some slower and both are perfectly fine ways to go about it. If the group idea is frightening now, then think about it for a while - no rush. There is time later on to try it out. Then you can get involved but not talk right away until you feel more comfortable. Then ultimatley you can participate.

Hi Mark

That's true going into therapy for the first time is like going into the swimming pool with cold water, i rather think it's more like learning to swim when your a youngster because the first time you go into the water it's scary and the first time you have therapy that's scary too.

I think i will have a long think about going into group therapy, but whether it will be right for mre is another matter.

[sheryl]

Hi Texasgirl,

How are you? i hope your okay?

[texasgirl]

I know what it is like to be frightened and hesitant about participating in something. I'm thinking about times when I wanted to get into a swimming pool, but the water was cold. Sometimes I'd jump in and have a shock but in very short order the water temperature became something I could tolerate. other times I'd go in up to my knees, and then acclimate, and then go in a little deeper until at a certain point I'd get up the nerve to jump in entirely.

I think going into therapy (or any sort of treatment you feel apprehensive about) is a little like jumping in a pool. There are different ways to go about it - some faster than others and some slower and both are perfectly fine ways to go about it. If the group idea is frightening now, then think about it for a while - no rush. There is time later on to try it out. Then you can get involved but not talk right away until you feel more comfortable. Then ultimatley you can participate.

I'm sure that somewhere in the UK people are working with EMDR. I just don't know where. Dr. Shapiro's website would keep track of that sort of thing. There is a link on the podcast page, I think.

My mother did these things she called "therapy" sick twisted things. The more nightmares I have the less sleep I get the more depressed I become, I don't know, I just want one night without nightmares. Why is that to much to ask for ?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Texasgirl,

What about Mark's suggestion about EMDR in the UK? And, did you go to Francine Shapiro's website? I believe there is a list of EMDR therapists there from Europe as well as the U.S.

Allan

[texasgirl]

Allan,

I'm not to sure about therapy, this is private very painful issues I am dealing with. I'm having what I think they call "flash backs" more to do with one of my brothers than my dad now. When the flash backs start they just hit me out of the blue, some random thing a co-worker said was enough to trigger this cycle of "flash backs". When the "flash backs" start the nightmares begin as well and so does the self injury, followed by very little sleep that can last any where from a few weeks to a month. That becomes very discouraging and draining at times.

I find my self entertaining the thought of look for my brother, why ? I don't know wouldn't do any good. I don't even know if he is alive anymore. My dad on the other hand is dead rotting in hell hopefully. I go see is grave from time to time, I tell him each time that I go that I remember I remember it all. Where ever he is I hope he knows that I remember everything.

There is a song that is popular on the rock station here by a group called Apocalyptica (feat: Cory Taylor) The whole song is about an abused child there is one lyric though that I love and wish I could claim and hold on to. It says "THE INNOCENSE YOU SPOILED FOUND AWAY TO LIVE" Maybe some day.

Kate

Texasgirl,

What about Mark's suggestion about EMDR in the UK? And, did you go to Francine Shapiro's website? I believe there is a list of EMDR therapists there from Europe as well as the U.S.

Allan

[sheryl]

Allan,

I'm not to sure about therapy, this is private very painful issues I am dealing with. I'm having what I think they call "flash backs" more to do with one of my brothers than my dad now. When the flash backs start they just hit me out of the blue, some random thing a co-worker said was enough to trigger this cycle of "flash backs". When the "flash backs" start the nightmares begin as well and so does the self injury, followed by very little sleep that can last any where from a few weeks to a month. That becomes very discouraging and draining at times.

I find my self entertaining the thought of look for my brother, why ? I don't know wouldn't do any good. I don't even know if he is alive anymore. My dad on the other hand is dead rotting in hell hopefully. I go see is grave from time to time, I tell him each time that I go that I remember I remember it all. Where ever he is I hope he knows that I remember everything.

There is a song that is popular on the rock station here by a group called Apocalyptica (feat: Cory Taylor) The whole song is about an abused child there is one lyric though that I love and wish I could claim and hold on to. It says "THE INNOCENSE YOU SPOILED FOUND AWAY TO LIVE" Maybe some day.

Kate

hI kate

how are you? i hopr your okay? if your having lots of flashbacks they won't go away until you get help for them, i understand your situation i do i'm just lucky i don't have to pay for any medical care, i'm sorry to hear about your husband and your mother-in-law it must be hard looking after both of them and going through what your going throught, you should be proud of yourself for coping as well as you are doing.

Why don't you see your brother? have you just lost contact with him, why do you go to see you father's grave it's obvious that he did something terrible to you, does it give you satisfaction to know that he's dead and that he won't be able to hurt you again? i suppose it's the same as me going to see my mother knowing that my brother still lives there, everytime i see him i find myself plagued with the past and i can't get away from it. were you abused by your father and your brother?

take care, sheryl.

[texasgirl]

Yes Sheryl,

I was abused by my dad and one of my brothers, my brother is an alcoholic / druggie I have no idea if he is alive or where he is. I have no desire to see him, my dad is dead and most of the time that satisfies me on the other hand I wish just for a moment I could tell him I remember everything.

Texas girl