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Anxiety in Relationship


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I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He lived in another city but recently moved to the same city as I am about 6 months ago. During those 6 months, I have found out things that he has done before, even during our relationship including:

1. sending nude photos to women in exchange for photos of them

2. sexting with other women

3. flirting with women on Facebook

He claims he stopped doing those things, but the fact is, he did them. He did them until almost a year into our relationship. He admitted he used to do those things (he says he doesn't know why) but that he loves me and he was 'stupid' and 'an idiot' but he realized what he was doing was wrong and quit. He deleted his Facebook to help with my anxiety (he says he was addicted to it). The thing is, I just don't know if he really did. It has given me the worst anxiety of my life. This is the man I thought to be my soul mate and that I was going to marry. He didn't physically cheat on me, but I feel like it counts as an emotinal cheating.

Sometimes I feel like he is being honest, but then I think he could be still doing these things and covering them up. I feel like he is addicted to the rush. He asks his friends when they meet girls 'did you see her boobs". I mean, he is 30 years old! It makes me feel like he is not ready to take the next step in his life and grow up.

I also know before we met, he used match.com to hook up with girls in different cities while he was there for work. This bothers me beyond belief. I am so confused by all of this.

Am I being paranoid? Or do I have low self esteem. Sometimes I think, well he could have used me as one of his escapades, but he just happened to fall in love...other times I am completely happy, then worse times I feel like the relationship is over and I am holding on to his words.

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Is there a chance that several of the options you listed are true at once?

I know that many people would consider his behavior on social media to be cheating. It's possible that he isn't ready to grow up, as you suggested. It's also possible that you have low self-esteem (you'd be the one to know for sure), and it's possible that you and he may not agree on whether his behavior will change.

It would seem that this might be the time to find out, though. If the two of you can't talk something like this out to your mutual satisfaction, would you still want to be married to each other? Counseling may be of some help, either together or individually. At least it would help to separate out the various possible issues and their combinations.

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you are not being paranoid. truth is he sounds like he is not ready to settle down. are you? he needs to man up and decide if he wants to be in a long term committed relationship with you.

often times men will date as many women as they can not only to fulfill their sexual desires, but also to boost their self esteem, self worth, and do it as a "badge of honour".

it's not you, it's him.

good luck,

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  • 3 months later...

i don't think he is ready to settle down. And based on what you said he probably is still doing the same things. You shouldn't feel this way with the man you wanna marry. You should feel happy and at ease that he is the one for you. If something in you tells you there is something wrong then maybe you should listen to that instinct. Based on my experience if a man really wants to be with you he will make it super obvious and you will be happy with him there shouldn't be any guessing or doubts.

I am sure he has other good qualities but maybe he is not the right guy for you not saying he is a bad guy but not the one for you. in a healthy relationship there should be love, respect and trust in each other.

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