Time to exteriorise

[tea]

Hello everyone,

It took me some time to decide that I perhaps need help. Here I am. I just need some perspective I suppose.

I am the yonguest in my family. Always considered myself pretty strong and never stopped to dwell on things. I thought I did what had to be done. Few years later, I suddenly start thinking about every single detail! It's getting too heavy.

So, like I said, I'm the yonguest. I have a sister older than me. And... everything evolved around this sister. EVERYTHING. Since my early childhood, it's been all about her. She is a very jealous person, so whenever she felt I got attention from my parents or anyone else for that matter, things got dramatic. And she seems to be a magnet for trouble. When we were kids, if she messed up, she dragged me into her mess, had to live in the consequences of everything she thoughlessly did. It may all seem quite innocent, but then as we grew up, things got more serious.

When I was 14/15, she became anorexic. This was probably the worst time of my life. Dealing with her anorexia almost broke me beyond repair. She became overcontrolling, she forcefully fed me more than my body could stand, overdosed me with butter and still screamed and accused me of "losing wait" of"walking a certain way to get attention" of "being too skinny". I was called ugly sooo many times. When you're a teenager and you're called ugly, it doesn't really help. Even when I overate, she would scream and cry and say I don't eat so that I stay skinny. I weighted myself several times a day to make her stopped following me around with a balance. She overcontrol what I did on the internet, whom I talked to, what I do in the bathroom... I thought she would never heal. That was really horrible. And at the time, though I did have meltdowns, I never reallllyyy dwelled on it. I tried to distract myself with other things, books and movies and music.

Then she started getting better, dating around. But then she date an ass****. A real jerk. And then managed to get pregnant. I'd like to say that the word sex was never allowed between us. She always acted shocked, changed the channel if people kissed, checked the books I read in case there is something "inappropriate", but then she announced she's pregnant!

There was no way she was gonna keep it. So there was talk of abortion. I think I might have gone a week without sleeping. My parents knew nothing about it. The jerk said he didn't want to hear about it neither. She cried and cried and cried, not because of the dramatic situation but because he wouldn't let her abort at his place. Of course, I was there when she took the meds; made sure she didn't die, made sure she was comfy on the couch, brought her the food, didn't sleep at night.

One week later, the jerk calls and I hang up on him. When she found out, she slapped me and screamed and insulted me because I DARED hang up on him! The summer they broke up, I went through hell and came back, she threatened to kill herself at the first occasion and made huuuuge scenes in the streets.

Now she left to work abroad and she still manages to call everyday with some kind of drama. She loveees the attention. it has to be all about her.

But now, the voices in my head are getting louder. I'm not always happy to talk to her, Im not excited to see her.

I don't consider myself an unstable person or depressed for that matter. But I feel like I've been feeling miserable for no reason and reminiscent of the past and impatient. I don't want to be bitter all my life. I don't want to hate her.

What are your thoughts on this? Am I really depressed? Perhaps I am.

thank you for reading me and thank you for your help.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome, tea.

This must have been a very distressful environment for you growing up. Maybe it helps to focus on yourself now and your needs. Do you have any support at home from parents, friends, or a counselor?

[tea]

Thank you for your reply It's very kind of you.

I didn't really have support from my parents who were oblivious to all she did. Of course they coped with her anorexia the best way they knew, spoiling her and allowing her everything. But they didn't know what she made me go through and I never told them.

Since she left, they make me talk to her for hours on the phone, I always have to soothe her, talk to her, make her laugh so that she cheers up. But I find myself incapable of doing it. I can't stand talking to her or listening to her. I don't want to be that way, but I guess I'm just toooo tired.

[IrmaJean]

Have you tried expressing to your parents that you don't want to talk with her at this time? If you are feeling tired from your sister's situation, it's okay to step back from it if you need to. It's okay to take care of yourself and your needs. Is there something you can do just for yourself today, perhaps a hobby or activity that you enjoy?

Take care.