My life so far - ocd/pocd/anxiety

[cj_fran]

Hi - i've been reading these forums for a few months, but thought I should finally post. I think I have a quite complicated back story. Sorry if this is long, but I really feel I have to completely open up, and tell you my background so I can be properly understood.

To start with, I've got a long history of OCD like symptoms. In fact, I have a long family history - all of my siblings (two sisters) have been treated for anxiety/depression/OCD, as well numerous cousins. Lucky family eh!

I'm incredibely shy, socially. I'm terrified of even talking to someone on the phone. I even find calling a good friend, or my parents a very daunting, worrying experience. For example, I've been paying 3 mobile phone bills for over 2 years, as I've found the prospect of calling up and cancelling the 2 old (which I'm free to do) ones too daunting/scary. On the same theme, I've been paying rental on a dating site I never use, for over 2 years, as I can't face ringing them to cancel it. I'm probably spending about £60/$100 a month on this stuff.

Secondly, I'm a 33 year old virgin, and have only even kissed 2 girls. I've always been heavily aroused by adult women, and desperate to have sex with as many as I possibly can (like any guy) but I've

My main anxiety has always revolved around my sexuality, and general confusion. As far back as I can remember, I've always been into women - off the top of my head, my main crushes when I was was a 13-14 year old boy were people like Pamela Anderson and Britney Spears etc etc. I was always really into the volumtous type (irony).

However, I've had long spells of intrusive thoughts, sexual confusion, sexual obsession, sexuality OCD probably since I was about 13 or 14.

First, I was obsessed with the fear that I was gay. I would constantly look at men, and think about them, and try and decide whether I was sexually attracted to them. Running this around in my head over and over again. Looking for any sort of reaction. This went on for a while. And has come back regularly over the last 20 years - even as recently as 3 months ago. However, I've (almost) managed to beat this. I can snap myself out of it within a few weeks.

Then at around 14 I was obsessed with the thought that I was into cross dressing. Again, the same irrational fear, checking, double checking, being terrified of any slight reaction I had. I managed to beat this after 12 months and it's never come back.

Then at around 17 I was obsessed with the thought that I was attracted to my sister. Again, the same pattern. This has come back occasionally, but I realize it's stupid.

Then at around 20 I was obsessed with the thought that I was sexually attracted to small boys. As I recall, I felt a slight groinal reaction/twinge once when walking behind a kid, and that was basically it - I spent the next 6 months terrified that I may be into them. Thinking. Re-thinking. Checking my reaction. This ended when I went to University. As if by magic, as soon as I had something else to occupy my mind, it just completely vanished. And I realised how stupid it was.

Maybe a year later, I went back to POCD, this time with small girls. Again, the trigger was quite innocent - I think I just saw a programmed about paedophiles, and then spent the next 6 months checking, re-checking that I wasn't. But of course, the more you check, the deeper you fall into it. This happened during the summer holidays at Univeristy. And again, I beat this by going back to University. Within 48 hours, or being back into my college routine, I was thinking how stupid my fears all were, and it was perfectly obvious I was normal.

This is where it gets tougher for me, and where I'm still hung up. After graduating university (and possibly falling into depression - my OCD periods do seem linked to just being sad/bored) the POCD came back.

This period is very hard for me to remember, as it was a long time. But, I think I just gave in to the OCD (the need to check, and find "the answer) and I started looking at teen sort of porn. I think I probably, somewhere, stumbled across underage porn. As I remember I was only looking at normal (ish) sort of porn sites - so I have no real idea how old the girl was. It could well have just been a very young looking 18 year old (I know that's what they sometimes do). Or it could have actually been an actual kid. It's very hazy.

I sort of remember, having this sort of "groinal" response you read about. Like a mixture of extreme anxiety/uncomfortable and sexual energy. I think I decided I would do the ultimate "test" and attempt to masterbuate to it (hoping/assuming) I couldn't.

This is the really weird bit (that sticks in my head) to this day. I think I went to the bathroom, and had a very weird experience. I almost had, what can probably be described as a premature ejaculation. As in, no fun, no enjoyment, no pleasure - I just ejaculated, in quite an emotionless, joyless way. As anyone with OCD, I of course researched, read, worried, for weeks. I did find out that this reaction is sometimes just extreme anxiety/worry/guilt (which obviously fits the situation).

So after a while, again OCD, I just had to go back and check again. And it was the exact, exact opposite. I just looked at the same porn, and was almost physically sick. I could barely even comprehend what I was seeing. It was just absolute disgust, with no sexual reaction whatsoever. I hated it so much, I almost wanted to cry. It was just horrible. When I picture it now in my head (i struggle to forget the image) I just feel disgusted, and horrified - again, no sexual reaction whatsoever.

So, that was the real low period. I overcame it, and actually beat my anxiety and worry for a long long time. I went years convinced i was normal, and thinking any fears were just stupid. Again, this coincided with a very happy time of living with friends, and having a great social life. It's almost like I fall into these slumps, when I'm lonely and have nothing else to do.

Then, I moved out from a shared house with friends, and got my own place. This was probably a bad idea. Again, I got a bit depressed and lonely, with nothing to do. Then I saw something on the news about pedophillia, and I fell back into the checking, double checking, worrying, staring at children, intrusive thoughts.

And that's where I am today. Living on my own, very lonely, depressed, and constantly worrying, checking, re checking, thinking, being disgusted by the fact that I'm possibly a pedophile.

I get the classic symptoms. A trigger to start me worrying, then checking in my mind, and generally being disgusted by the thoughts, and having no reaction. Then convincing myself I'm normal. Then thinking I've had a groinal response. Then checking.

I just keep coming back to these thoughts, and worries about children. Why did I ejaculate. How did it start. Am I forgetting things. Quite often, in the past, I've been heavily aroused by a women I've seen on the TV, or thinking about a girl I saw during the day, I've been masterbuating about them, and really enjoying it, and I'm getting nearer to the point of no return - and then an image of a child has popped into my head and I've had that premature, emotionless, joyless, almost feelingless ejaculation again. And then of course I've gone back to the checking, worrying, testing - and attempted to create the scenario again (getting heavily aroused by women and then trying to switch to the same child thought) and it's been nothing. Again, it's like the ultimate turn off. Loss of erection, and completely unable to do anything.

And it's even sort of developed. I've had this same scenario, when I've been heavily turned on by a women, and I'm masterbuating, and near the end. then an image of my mother, or my sister pops into my head and I have this premature, emotionless, joyless, almost feelingless ejaculation again

The thing is, somewhere in my head, I sort of suspect I'm probably normal-ish. And because it's been going on so long, I can almost feel the OCD in my brain. I recognize the process, the symptoms, and know it's happening. It's like I know, somewhere, deep down, is the logic that I'm normal-ish. But every time I get into the compulsion/routine, of checking that I'm not a pedo, it gets buried again.

And I also, sort of, see that it's a bit illogical.

As in, I'm currently in love with a 25 year old women, and she also likes me a lot (the irony being I've never been able to develop the relationship into anything physical, as I've been too worried, depressed, anxious about all this). Every female infatuation I've ever had from the age of 16 has been a women. I realize that as a 12-13 year old I'm obviously going to be into other 12-13 year olds.

The only instance in my life, of any sort of erection/arousal was that one incident. That I'm completely unable to replicate, as now the same images repulse me. I've tried very very hard to get an erection thinking about kids, and it's impossible. There's no way I could ever get an erection, and start masterbuating thinking about children.

I have very strong sexual feelings, for numerous women. And always have. In fact, I've sometimes find it a problem in itself. Erections and strong sexual feelings, when I've seen women at work. Struggling to control myself. Struggling to concentrate. Endlessly fantacising and masterbuating about hot women I've seen.

Part of me thinks, I'm a highly sexed, super shy, 33 year old virgin. And of course I'm bound to be a bit screwed up in my mind. When you're constantly desperate for sex, and super horny, of course you're going to get confused. The irony being, I'm very ready now to start having sexual relationships, but I'm just waiting for someone to come along.

But then other times, I'm thinking back to my teenage years, and early 20s, and worrying if there whether I have actually been aroused more times, and I forgot. And worrying about possibly being attracted to 14-15 year old girls when I was a student, and whether there was anything else etc etc (I don't think so).

A good example of my mind and how my life has been is - at the minute, this name of this gymnast came into my head for some reason. And I sort of had a memory of being attracted to her, but it's a bit hazy, when I was maybe 17-18. So of course, I looked it all up, and saw she was only 14 and is pubescant (she has small boobs and hips) but could probably pass for 12.

Now, I have no idea where the name came from, or if I have the right person (it could be a completely different gymnast who was 18) or how I even felt back then - I'm starting to think I just thought she was a bit cute, and there was nothing sexual.

But of course, in my head, I'm thinking I have the right person, and I was sexually attracted, and how could I have done this.

So I look her up (of course) and there's just nothing reaction wise. Complete indifference. I just look at her and feel rather disgusted that I'm even sitting there looking at a young looking 14 year old. I'm not even having any groinals, let alone a sexual reaction. So I move on.

But, it sticks in my head. So I start stressing, and worrying, and thinking of scenarios. And I'm getting closer and closer to looking again. And then I do. And I get a small groinal reaction. And I'm worrying, and checking, and going back, and stressing. Then I go back again, and I'm back to the start - no reaction at all. Disgusted that I'm looking, if anything. Annoyed that I'd wasted weeks stressing about it.

And that's really been my last 5 years. This process over and over again.

I do sometimes snap out of it think a lot of my problem is anxiety. And realize I'm highly sexed, because of my virginity.And a lot of my reactions are anxiety. As in, I've had stupid situations where I've seen a cardboard box, and for a split second thought it was a child, and had that anxious/groinal/sick feeling/ slight arousal. I've had situations where I've seen a grown women out of the corner of my eye, and for a split second thought it was a child, and had that same groinal/anxious/sick/slight arousal feeling.

It's almost like I'm just terrified of how I will react, if I do see something, and I'm always on guard, and when I do see a child, I have this automatic reaction - whether it's a child or not.

Again, I'm sorry that this is very long, but I hope someone can read it and talk to me. I do need to talk. Thanks

[malign]

Well, I did read it all, though it took some time.

And, without being insulting at all, I'm not sure anyone was helped by reading it. After all, it's really just an externalized form of "checking", isn't it? Then you have to throw in everything to make sure you're not leaving out any incriminating stuff, then you have to check that ...

It seems to me that you already have a good idea that you're obsessing. I guess if you have such difficulties with the telephone, there's no way you could arrange to see a professional? {This brings up the unrelated question of how you contact your lady friend ...}