all my fault!

[sarah2901]

ok - dont really quite know where to start with this... but here goes!

I got married 3 years ago to my wonderful and gorgeous husband who I love so much... when we got married we had already been trying for a baby for nearly 2 years, but due to the wedding, we never followed up on nothing having happened due to the timing.

After we returned from our honeymoon we visited the doctors and were referred for fertility treatment, and numerous tests and investigations were done on both of us over the next 12 months which resulted in us being told our dream for a baby would never materialise. At the time, for all I cried, I felt that it wasnt the end and that together we could deal with it. Looking back I now realise that was not the case, we never spoke about what was happening through all of the tests and we never discussed the results together without an argument occuring. I never told anyone how I really felt and brushed it all under the carpet and life continued as normal.

In the same year my husband lost his job and a few months later I did too.

It felt like everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. We have now both got new jobs, however, in the unemployed interim we run up debts of almost £20,000 just by paying the mortgage and bills that needed paying. We are still paying this money back grrr

Every time I tried to talk to my husband about any of this, he would become agitated and walk away from me. and 12 months ago he walked away once too many times.

I went on a girls holiday to Spain for a few days and on the last night, I cheated on him with an older married man. The next day, instead of feeling incredible guilt like I should have done, we began texting and eventually met up again back in England a few weeks later before he said he couldnt take any more risks to see me again.

I felt at that time like all of the grief I had been holding inside for the previous 4 years all came out - I was grieving for the baby I wold never have, the family I would never have, the life I would never have and most of all the honesty and fidelity that could never return to my marriage.

In the ensuing 6 months I had affairs with a further 2 men, began going out and binge drinking and had one nights stands with a further 2 men.

I am absolutely disgusted with myself for this, and have stopped drinking completely.

My issue is that I dont know how to say sorry to my husband when he doesnt know what I did. I know if he ever found out he would never forgive me. Yet I still feel like a statistic of women who do this kind of thing - I was never "the type" to cheat but I have - the inane guilt is eating away at me and I feel like I am going crazy with it all.

I am constantly paranoid he will find out yet I know that telling him myself is not an option.

the past few months have been like starting all over again with us (well for me anyway) although my husband appears oblivious to this. We are now talking a lot more about things and we have decided that we might look in to adoption. Yet I still cant shake these feelings away. I read on a website that when you feel this way it is best to share your feelings, even if with a stranger - so here I am!

My best friend recently found out she was pregnant and when she told me I cried for a week. I knw my behaviour was unrational and when she miscarried a few weeks later I felt guilty and that it was my fault for being jealous of her.

I cant help but think my life will continue in one big circle of guilt, depression and jealousy if I dont do something about it - but I dont know what....

Thanks for listening to me vent my lifes frustration

Edited December 15, 2008 by sarah2901

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sara2901,

Welcome to our forum.

Well, you certainly have been through a lot. I would like to know what others think about what I am about to write and I would very much like to hear. Here goes:

What about not telling your husband? If this was a one time thing, why tell him? I do not advocate secrecy but, sometimes it can be important if there is a single event. However, Sara, you and your husband must address the problems between you and one of those problems is his unwillingness to talk over problems.

Also, the one example of infidelity was NOT all your fault. Why do I say that? In a marriage, a problem is never the fault of just one person or, rather, rarely so. I believe your single escapade was a desperate attempt to get his attention. Well, you still have to get his attention but it's a matter of how to do it?

As to having children, have both of you really explored all the options? For example, if you have viable eggs and he has sperm, in-vitro fertilization with using a host mother into whom the fertilized ova is placed can make all the difference in the world. And, there are other ways to go about it. The two of you should explore it. Finally, there is always adoption.

So, what do you and others think?

Allan:)

[kaudio]

Hi Sarah, welcome to the community. After reading your post I agree that you do have quite a lot of concerns, and I can understand the frustration you are experiencing. But, when you mentioned your circle of guilt, depression, and jealousy, I recalled some important advice when I was depressed: it is not always good to take credit for everything. As you already noted, it was irrational when you felt guilty for your feelings of jealousy towards your friend; and, you certainly were not responsible for her miscarriage. So, whenever you become excessively critical of yourself, you must stop and remember that these thoughts are not you. These harsh thoughts may involve you, and they may raise many different, difficult emotions, but they are not you.

Society attributes a great deal of shame to infidelity, and from what I gather of your post, you expect to feel guilt for your one-night stands. But, guilt and remorse are not the only ways to account for your actions. What do these feelings accomplish other than make you privately miserable? As Allan suggested, what do you think of not mentioning your infidelity? So long as these one-night stands are not a habit, they do not define you as a person, nor should you think they do. You can try to account for your actions through some other way, like committing yourself to working with your husband though these challenging times.

[Mark]

Sarah,

Life is so busy these days. I had seen your post a little while ago and meant to respond to it, but time got away.

Infertility is a horrendous stressor. There is the terrible grief and stress and pain of realising that something that comes effortlessly to others may be denied you. There is also the reality that people are typically insensitive towards other's infertility pain. They haven't been faced with it and speak bluntly from their ignorance, or they have strong beliefs that make them easy moralizers. The drive to have a baby that is "your own" can be incredibly powerful, and many people just don't get that. Adoption is a viable alternative (although it has gotten much harder in the last few years), and, if you have the money and live in a country that has not outlawed the process, infertility medicine can do some magical things. But regardless, this is just hard, hard, hard to go through.

It seems to me that with the infertility (which is enough to break up a marriage all by its lonesome) and then the added weight of job loss and money worries that the two of you have been through the wringer. And you did make a bad mistake with your affair, but not one that is hard to appreciate. I gather that you had no physical affection in your marriage at the time, and were hungry for it. That is understandable.

I think that, having recognized that you made a mistake, it is now time to stop beating yourself up about it. Your transgression has helped to clarify what you do not want, which is a broken marriage. So, turn your energies towards making your marrage better again to the extent you can do that. People make mistakes all the time. The real mistake is not learning from your mistakes.

I don't think that telling your husband will serve any useful purpose at present. If he asks, ever, you might tell him then, but for now things are already difficult and telling him may only fan the flames. The thing to do right now is to try to repair the relationship. You both face some difficult problems and it will take time to work them through. You can start simply by telling yourself that you are an okay, acceptable person, and by telling and showing your husband that you love him.

My two cents.

Mark

Edited December 18, 2008 by Mark

[finding my way]

Please don't attach importance to this, but I just wanted to say I hear your desire to get it all out in the open with your husband so you don't have to carry around the secret. I would want to do that too. I would want to know why he was so distant during your mutual struggle, and what he did to cope with the enormity of it all while you were isolated from each other.

I hope things are getting better for you and that you are not being so hard on yourself.