! so hopeless

[ohsosad]

warning........this could be a trigger

This is my first post here. I've read some of the discussions and know that I am in the right place. I have suffered from major depression for as long as I can remember. I am 53, and I remember as a child praying that I'd fall asleep and never wake up. Here I am so many years later, still doing the same thing.

There has been a lot of things that have gone wrong in my life but the latest is loosing my job. This is only a month after breaking off a 6 year relationship. Needless to say, I'm quite depressed these days. I was recetly hospitalized and am now attending a partial hospitilazation program. I have been on antidepressants for the past 10 years, and in therapy, on and off since then. The off times were due to not being able to pay for it. I am in the process of applying for short term disability. Come December 30th, FMLA will be used up and I will no longer be employed, which also means I will loose my medical benefits. I will not be able to continue with my treatment or my meds cause I can't afford to pay for all of that on my own. I feel I am at a point where my life is hopeless. Like I have nothing to love for. My boys will be burdened by my situation. They don't need that and I don't want it. My problem is that my boys have begged me to tell them if I feel desperate enough again to do something drastic. I am desperate, but so are they. (obviously for different reasons) I just don't know what to do anymore. My depression is treatment resistant. I have tried everything. I've even had ECT treatments. I feel like all I can do now is to exist, as miserable as that is and just wait for the day when something happens. I have no fight left in me. I'm so tired of insurance and finances interfearing in my treatment. I guess I am here because I know what I want to do to end all of this suffering I'm dealing with, but feel stuck in this life because of my boys. I just don't know how to go on. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I don't want to go anywhere, be with anyone, or talk to anyone. My family is trying to help, but it no avail. All I do is sit around watching tv, even though it doesn't interest me, and sleep. Obviously I need help which is why I am here right now writing this. I guess I am hoping something or someone will strike a nerve or something. In another thread I read, there was talk about feeling numb. That is how I feel right now, most of the time anyway. There are times now and then when I will cry. But most of the time, I feel nothing. I don't care about anything. It was mentioned that that might not be such a bad place to be since if we aren't feeling anything, we aren't hurting. But that is not the case, not for me anyway. I do hurt..............I'm just don't have any energy to react to it.

If anyone can relate, or be of any help to me at this time, I would really appreciate it. Christmas is next week, and I am going to have to spend some time with my family whether I want to or not. (which I don't) I feel like I will be such a downer to everyone. I don't want that to happen, but I just don't have it in me to even try to put on a fake smile and pretend like I'm ok.

I hope I didn't say anything in this post that is not allowed. Thanks to all of you who took the time to read this.

[FlowFreak]

I'm not in a great place myself right now, and I don't know how much help I can be, but I do want to say I heard everything you typed. Reach out to your children if it's nothing more than just emotional support until you get the gears turning all the way your way again. As far as your finances to afford your treatment/meds there are things, but paperwork can take time. Have you thought about contacting a mental health social worker who I think could help you out with these stresses or take some off of you at least..get the ball rolling a little quicker for you? I'm not sure, but I think they do help with these like this.

Don't pretend or feel like you have to because it will make it worse. Think about some things you could do to give yourself some comfort before, during, and after. Simple things like a cup of hot cocoa or hot tea with a cinnamon stick in it for warmth, taste, and aroma. Wrap up in a blanket and get comfy sitting in a chair or on the couch while visiting family with your hot cocoa, and that will take the pressure off of trying to mingle when you don't want to.

I think it's important that you don't force yourself to do anything that would be uncomfortable for you. Think comfort even in the uncomfortable of having to spend time with your family next week. Think and/or do beforehand.

I've been a walking sore in the places I walk through now, and just a simple piping hot cup of tea with honey and lemon soothes me, and helps take some of the pain/stress away for at least a time.

I hope you find some comfort ideas in the midst of the stressors and pains.

[Celeste]

I can most definitely relate, but I'm not sure that I'm in any position to advise right now... spending time with my family, especially around holidays, can be a real struggle for me. This is because I'm so often depressed and I feel like I'm just pulling everyone around me down...

I really identify with your current activities. I spend more time sleeping and staring at a television than is healthy for anyone... I have a permanent nest on a couch, where I do both of these. I'm sick of that room, I'm sick of those stupid blue pillows, I'm sick of House and Friends and Jeopardy and the other shows and old movies that I just don't care about anymore... but I'm not going to leave. That requires effort, motivation, and all the other stuff that I just don't have.

FlowFreak makes some great points, and doing little things to pamper yourself can often work. Of course, it does still require doing something... but if you can find it in you to do it for yourself, and no one else, you can try to forget everything except for what is going on in the moment. For me, other things work... I'm big on writing and reading. The more I read or write, I more slightly I feel a bit of release of my current suffocating feelings of loneliness and helplessness. I use it as an escape from who and where I am, becoming the character for a while. For someone I know, making themselves take a walk through the woods helps out. Hopefully, you can find something that works for you.

[ohsosad]

It's comforting to know that there are people out there who care. You gave some wonderful advice and I plan on using it. That cup of hot cocoa sounds really good right now. The social worker is a good idea too. I will definately look into that. I also plan to do some reading and writing as one of you suggested. I can relate about becoming the character for a while. Anything to get your mind off things, even for a short period of time is helpful. I used to write things out when I had a lot of strong negetive thoughts and feelings. It does help and I need to start doing that again.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for providing me with some very good advicd. I know you aren't doing too good yourselves right now. I really hope you are feeling better very soon. From your replies, it seems that at least you have some positive coping skills that you are using. Just the fact that you are able to think of these things and are doing them is great. It's a start, right? That is what I am going to do also. Take care and thanks again!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi ohsosad and all,

Just reading your nick name made me feel "oh so sad." You have been given some great advice by our wonderful members. You see, you are not alone and many are struggling with feeling bad, especially this time of year.

First, I want to point out to Everyone that, just because you are feeling bad does not mean you have nothing worthwhile to add. In fact, having these feelings means that you are better able to understand more than most. Your support is greatly appreciated and needed.

Second, ohsosad, the only thing I would suggest is that you do force yourself to do stuff. Go out there, see your children over the holidays, do things and do not sit at home.

Can you tell us more about yourself.

By the way, you say that you just broke up with someone after six years. You know, you have a right to feel bad about that. Can you tell us about it and what happened? Also, why did you lose your job? Was it because of the economy or something else? So very many are losing jobs these days.

Allan

[paula]

Just when you think things can't get any worst, they do! I've learnt that life is like an hour glass.

Sooner or later, everything hits rock bottom?

All you have to do is be patient and wait for someone to turn everything back around!

Just because today is a terrible day, doesn't mean tomorrow might not be the best day of your entire life, you just have to wake up and get there!

[ohsosad]

Hi everyone. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years because he lost his job and wasn't even looking for another one. I could not afford to support both of us on my income. We had other problems also, but I broke it off when I did, because of the financial situation. I could not pay the bills and it was stressing me out so bad that I ended up in the hospital with a reoccurence of major depression. He's an alcoholic, which made things even worse. He didn't get mean when he drank, and he never got falling down drunk. But he did drink all day, every day. He would ask me to pick up a case of beer for him, knowing I couldn't even pay the bills. That would upset me and stress me out even more.

I lost my job because I have arthritis in my knees and it has gotten much worse lately. My job duties required me to be on my feet most of the work day. I was no longer able to do that so I gave my supervisor a not from my dr saying I could only do light dury. The next day I was called to HR and told that since I can't be on my feet, I could no longer work continue in the department I was in. They then informed me that there were no other openings in the other departments, so I could apply for disability. I only have 3 weeks left of the FMLA leave. At the end of the 3 weeks, I would be unemployed. A week from now the leave runs out. I would also loose my health insurance, but I called and asked about Cobra ins. and they said they would send me a form in the mail. It will cost me, and honestlly, I won't be able to afford it, so my boys are going to have to pay it for me. They are going to do that and I am very grateful. I just hate to be a burden on them. Anyway, there is a little more information about my situation. Thank you again for your replies. They are much appreciated!

[mscat]

Hi,

Have you thought about applying for SSI or SSDI ? With all that your dealing with on top of the depression, I believe you have a good chance of recieving benifits. It can take a while though, but, once approved you will have the medical insurance depending on what your able to be approved for, then treatment can be resumed.

[ohsosad]

Yes, I have thought about applying for SSDI. I've gotten it in the past, but went off of it when I started working full time at my latest job. I already applied for short term disability through my job, so I'm not really sure how that works out with Social Security. I have a lot of questions that I need answers to. I did ask about Cobra Ins for now, and they were supposed to mail the paperwork about it. I haven't recieved it yet, but I'm hoping it comes today. My current ins ends on the 30th. So who knows what is going to happen. I am currently attending a Partial Hospitalization Program, but if I can't get the Cobra ins in place by the first, I won't be able to continue going there. I'm afraid that is going to happen, and I'll be left sitting at home all day every day. That's not good for me because I tend to start dwelling on all my problems when I have too much time on my hands. I just have to take one day at a time right now. Thanks so much for your reply and the advice. It is much appreciated!